Idle ramblings of the village idiot

"Vacation" Reading

2011-10-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back to work full time today after surgery and recovery. I was at work halftime last week but my brain wasn't really ready for it and neither was my body. *Note to self - if you have to have hip surgery again give yourself three full weeks for recovery time.

I was very optimistic about how much reading I would be able to get done during my time away. The first week was spent in a narcotic induced haze. I looked at magazines and did a little reading but didn't really have the stamina (or ability) to tuck into a book until almost the second week.

Here's what I read and what I would suggest or not for those of you looking for a good book.

1) Made in the USA by Billie Letts - entertaining book but not the best one I've ever read. I really like Letts' writing. If you want to check something out by here try Honk and Holler Opening Soon. It's the best of her's I've read.

2) One Day by David Nicholls - this was my book club book. I didn't love it although I loved the Britishness of the story and picturing being in the different places the characters went (Sir Aurthur's Seat, Chichester, etc). I never really got to a point I liked either of the characters. That made it difficult to like or care too much about the story.

3) Homer's Odyssey: A Fearless Feline Tale, or How I Learned About Love and Life with a Blind Wonder Cat by Gwen Cooper. I loved this book. (Amanda Morken you have to read it) I really like memoirs to start with but then the story of this kitten and the woman's devotion to it made me love the story. It's a must read - especially if you like cats.

4) Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. I wasn't a fan of this book - in fact, I read the required amount (100 pages minus my age = 67 pages) and then returned it to the library. Within the first chapter the main character has slept with her best friend's fiance and then spends the rest of the book trying to justify it. Not my thing.

5) I Don't Know How She Does it: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother by Allison Pearson. Another book I really liked. I saw one of my good friends EVERYWHERE in this book. (She's getting it for Christmas) There was potential for it to take a turn to a place I didn't want it to go and it didn't go there. I don't really like Sarah Jessica Parker but I'll probably see the movie.

and finally

6) Then Came You by Jennifer Wiener. After loving Good in Bed and In Her Shoes by the same author I was excited to try a new one of her books. It was a disappointment. I finished the book - unlike Something Borrowed - but it never fully engaged me and there were enough unnecessary and controversial things in the story that I didn't really enjoy it. If you want a good read try Good in Bed instead.

Next is The Scorch Trials, the second book after The Maze Runner. I'm excited for this one and have a deadline for getting it back to the library. I should be done with it by the end of the week.

My Brain Needs a Vacation

2011-09-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Stupid things I've said lately

1) To a young good looking guy in the hardware store "what is a three-way?".

2) Left a message for a potential client telling them I wanted to find out if I can trust them or not.

3) "Hello - I would like to talk to you about something on your bush."

I would like to blame the drugs but I'm off them as of Wednesday.

Remembering September 11th

2011-09-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

I always feel a little bad about having mixed emotions on September 11th. For one thing it was a terrible day for our country. I can't believe it was ten years ago. I was one of few people who chose to not live in front of the television the week it happened. I prayed instead and went about my life. I didn't think dwelling in and being overwhelmed by the sadness of the situation would do anything to help. I didn't want to get stuck in the tragedy. I knew I couldn't handle that. It was a sad day and when the anniversary comes around it's a reminder of how fragile life really is.

However, September 11th is also my niece's birthday. She turned one ten years ago. I think having something to truly celebrate that day is actually a really good thing. My family would be very different if it didn't have Kelly in it. She is a spitfire to the 20th degree and is one of the most pleasant kids to be around. I love her like none other and I celebrate every year that she is alive.

That's where the mixed emotions come in. It's sort of this weird middle ground of emotion where I know I should be sad or thinking of people's whose lives were lost on 9/11 but yet all I really think about is the joy one little girl's life gave the people she knows on 9/11. I find it hard to be sad in the face of that blessing.

They were talking on the radio this morning about where they were when they heard about what was going on in New York and elsewhere. It got me thinking about where I was. I was in my second year of law school and I was getting ready for class in my still pretty new to me apartment and I got this feeling I should turn on the TV. I never have the TV on when I'm getting ready so it was a weird feeling and I decided to follow it. (I'm one to rarely discount my woman's intuition and usually attempt to follow it pretty closely.) I turned on the TV as footage of the first plane came on the news. I think my feeling about the television was probably within minutes, if not seconds, of when the first crash occurred. The commentators were still thinking it was a small commuter plane that crashed into the building at that time. I watched what was going on as I finished getting ready and then I went to school. I kept the radio on and then the timing gets a little bit foggy. I can't remember clearly if I heard on the radio about the second plane or if I made it to school and saw the footage. Because the footage played over and over of the second plane I get confused in my memory where I first heard. Needless to say my professor tried to have my morning class but it was let out early and classes were either canceled or not attended for the rest of the day.

I remember a kind of numb/dull feeling that came over me after about an hour. That's when I decided it was time to go about my day. I tried to run errands - at businesses that were mostly closed - and then I just gave up and went home. I allowed myself an hour of news everyday that first week and picked up the paper and tucked it away for another day sometime in history.

I never thought I would have a time in my life where I would say "I remember where I was when....". People talk about that with JFK being shot, or the man walking on the moon. I never expected to have National tragedy in my life but I do. I wonder what my niece and nephew will have as theirs.

If you feel like commenting and letting me know where you were when you heard about the World Trade Center I would love to hear about it. But also, I would love it if you could come up with something to celebrate about the day. It was already ten years ago. I can't believe it. I think it's important to remember as well as look forward.

Two weeks

2011-09-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

I realized yesterday that I am two weeks from surgery. It sent me in to a bit of a frenzy. I realized that my time to really clean my house for a while was ending. I'm going to be camping next weekend so I'll probably have a little time Sunday after I get back to pick things up but I have no other pretty empty days to really get after it. Needless to say, my day was spent in frantic cleaning mode. I took a break for "Happy Hour" at my house with Shannon and Katie but other than that I was the Tasmanian Devil, swirling around and doing everything I had been putting off for 6 months and other things I had been putting off for a couple weeks. I felt great walking downstairs this morning and smelling the smell of "clean" left behind yesterday.

The two week deadline has also made me more stressed at work. I plan to only be out a little over two weeks but I know thinking I'm going to come back full time that third week is in no way realistic so I need to start thinking more about three weeks. That's a big chunk of time to be out with the amount of needy clients I have on my book. My assistant has gotten more and more useless and of course decided to take a majority of his vacation right before and right after I am scheduled to be gone. I should have been more assertive with him and told him he couldn't take his vacation at that time but I felt bad that his plans would have to change. I stopped feeling bad last week when I overheard him complaining about the fact that he was going to be gone and then I was going to be gone, only to be back for a few short days before he left again. I'm sorry the fact that I have to have surgery got in the way of your fun a-hole. I wanted so badly to lay into him about those comments but I bit my tongue and talked to the department manager about it. I'll let her deal with the problem. Hopefully she'll be able to tell him what needs to be said without the emotions that I would have behind it.

It doesn't help that one of the final things I really feel I need to do before the surgery is get my Will and Powers of Attorney finalized. It's bad that it has taken surgery for me to finally decide to get it signed (I've had it drafted and ready to go for years) but it has. I can't even count the amount of times I've told clients not to wait to get their wills drafted. Clearly I didn't listen to my own advice. Now it's with fear that I've decided to finalize things.

It isn't like I expect to DIE. I expect to come out of it happy and healthier than I am as I sit here today, but there is that nagging fear in the back of my mind. I've actually never been afraid of death. I know I'm going to Heaven and I know really the people left behind are the ones who suffer the most but even though I'm not super afraid of death (just the questions about the unknown of death) there is a BIG part of me who also doesn't really WANT to die yet. My surgeon has done thousands of these surgeries. I don't know for sure but I'm fairly certain the amount of deaths caused by the procedure is very small but really it's the first time I've been through something significant like this where I thought - you know KT, you have to realize it is a possibility. I guess it's better to be prepared but I'm still pretty scared at times when I really think about it.

SO I guess I'll get those Estate Planning documents finished and then stop thinking about it. That's the only answer and it's the one I'm going to go with.

Also, if you are reading this and you are a praying person if you could pray for Mr P and Phinneygirl who I wrote about in a recent post. Mr. P is back at the hospital and dealing with some significant health issues. I'm not sure if it is from his surgery or some other underlying health issue but they both could really use some prayers for strength for both of them and healing for him. Thanks. I appreciate it and I know they both appreciate it as well.

The C Word and Perspective

2011-08-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

NO. Not THAT C word. Cancer. Or maybe that's what you were thinking in which case forget the OTHER c word. Great, now you probably can't stop thinking about the first C word, or the second, or which ever.

ANYWAY

This last spring I had the great fortune to meet up with some friends of mine in Bellevue at church. They suggested we go to brunch so Kirstin and I joined them at this great little place in Redmond. Mr.P and Phinneygirl (as they are known on the blogosphere) are about my age and have a wonderful and busy little family. They have a two year old and an eight month old who are such sweet kids but still are young kids and keep both Mr.P and Phinneygirl on their toes. While we were at brunch I really had a chance to look at Mr.P while we were talking and eating. He looked very thin. I asked him if he had been sick and he said he had been fine but had been losing enormous amounts of weight without trying. Now Mr.P is a tall thin man but this was taking his thinness to another level. To make a long story short they found out about a month ago that he had Stage 1 kidney cancer.

When Phinneygirl told me about the diagnosis I was very sad but also a lot humbled. I try not to complain too much about my hip pain but I know at times I make it a limitation that it maybe doesn't have to be. Or at least I mention that it's a limitation. I say - "I can't do that because of my hip", instead of just "I can't do that". I don't like having limits and I want people to know it's a short term limitation and not just laziness or disinterest. The reality though is I could call less attention to my injury but simply not mentioning it.

My problem isn't a life threatening one - although having surgery is never a 100% sure bet. I don't have the pressure of having a young family - not that Mr.P's life is any more important than mine but it does put a different type of pressure on him with his family dynamic. His journey toward good health is changing my perspective on my journey toward good health.

He is in surgery right now and I'm in constant prayer for him and his wife. I know she must be worried and I also know after this surgery more questions will be present - mostly had the cancer spread. My prayer is this is a short chapter in Mr.P's life and after the completion of the surgery the family is able to move forward and it gives a new perspective on things for them.

I pray all of you are aware of and thankful for each healthy day you have. Mr.P is going to get through this and be better off than he has been recently. I know that without a doubt. I'm thankful for his and Phinneygirl's friendship and I am excited to keep walking with them through this crazy roller coaster we live.

You Know It's Time For Hip Surgery When.....

2011-08-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

I was told about an on-line group for people with hip resurfacings and joined it last week. I have been getting the postings for the day sent to me and this one came up yesterday. It is scary how many of these pertain to me now.

You know it is time for hip surgery when...

You haven't worn socks for months and it isn't summer time.

You don't own a pair of shoes with laces.

You don't choose stores by selection or price, but by parking availability.

You drop something on the floor and have to kick it closer to the counter so you have something to lean on.

You turn around and go home when you discover you forgot your cane.

If you've ever walked too far and sent your companion back for the car.

The bottom shelf of your refrigerator is empty, and the top shelves are crammed full.

You avoid businesses with stairs and no elevator. No hand rail, no way.

You spend the weekend recovering from your normal work week instead of the other way around.

You only throw the ball for the dog if you have a pick-up thingy handy.

You trained the dog to walk himself on the treadmill that would otherwise only collect dust.

You decide clean floors are overrated.

Canes become fashion statements and you admire someone else's.

You start eating at drive-through joints because you don't want to get out of the car.

You have stopped one or more of the activities you did at twenty because of pain, not because you know it could kill you.

Your joints feel older than the rest of you.

You can relate to people in Aleve commercials, yet you know they are lying.

Your aching joints wake you up more often than your bladder does.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

2011-08-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Just short of two years ago I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (FPU) Class. My friend Jeanette introduced me to Dave Ramsey and I'm so thankful she did. I wish it had been five years earlier. Financial Peace University is a 13 week class that shares Dave's philosophy on everything financial from budgeting to investing in the stock market. I took to his philosophy like a fish to water. After the first two weeks I realized my financial house was really screwed up. I was way too far in debt and was barely living from paycheck to paycheck even with a decent salary. My student loans didn't help the situation but I had amassed a significant credit card balance, a car loan and a rather large mortgage on my home. I didn't understand fully what having to pay creditors did to the strength of your money and the thought of financial self-control hadn't even crossed my mind. I realized I was stressed out about my finances and it made me feel like I was living in a house of cards that could come crashing down around me at any time.

All of that changed when I fully embraced Dave's principles. It hasn't been easy and I'm not perfect. In fact I totally screwed up just this last month. BUT I've also had HUGE successes. In the last not quite two years I've paid off all of my debt (about $60k) except my now two mortgages and one mortgage sized student loan debt. As of this month I'm moving on to Dave's baby step three which is to actually begin to save. This is probably the most exciting step in the process to me. I'm finally starting to pay myself instead of someone else. Dave would say I really should pay off that student loan debt first (and I'm not really "Dave Debt Free") but I feel like I'm to a point where the payment is enough of an insignificant amount of my paycheck that I can lump it into baby step six and treat it like a mortgage. When that last student loan is cleared it's going to be amazing but in the meantime I need to have a bit of a larger emergency fund in place to deal with being a reluctant landlord. It's been a challenging and rewarding journey. I probably need to lead a FPU class and share my enthusiasm with other people that way.

I want to encourage anyone who feels a bit lost in the financial world to find an FPU class or even just find Dave's radio show. I listen to him everyday and there is great peace in hearing that 1) you are heading in the right direction 2) you aren't the only one with financial concerns and 3) more than likely you aren't as bad off as some of the callers. I know - I'm horrible.

If you are interested and want more information click either the link above or below and I hope it will take you to Dave's website. I'd love to hear success stories from you guys as you go along. You won't be sorry for one minute that you started this journey. It's not easy but it is one of the most rewarding things I personally have ever done.

That Umbilical Cord

2011-07-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

I don't have kids. I have animals.

We threw a surprise 40th wedding anniversary party for my parents this weekend and my sister made a great DVD of pictures from them dating and us growing up. Two of the photos were of me basically loving a kitten to death.

Somethings never change.

To this day I have a love for animals that may be a bit unhealthy by some standards. In movies when people die I sometimes don't cry. If an animal dies or is injured it almost inevitable that I will dissolve into tears.

I have no husband and no children but I do have Moxie and Tessie. Moxie, my 100 pound 2 1/2 year old Bernese Mountain Dog and Tessie, my 7 pound who knows what cat fill my house with almost more than any human could. I feel guilt when I'm not around them enough. I feel pride when they show how well behaved and smart they can be. It's weird, I know.

Moxie is at the vet today getting her picture taken. She has a limp for some still unknown reason (probably sympathy for me and my stupid limp for all I know) so I took her to the vet to get some x-rays and just to make sure everything is a-OK. I don't usually see her during the day anyway but just knowing she is at the vet instead of at home in her dark cool cave of a garage where she has access to her yard if she wants or needs it has her more on my mind. I can't imagine what I would be like as a mother to a human. How in the world do you not fall apart at the slightest inconsistency in your day?

We talked today about what it will be like to lose your dog. Two of my friends have dogs who are significantly older than Mox. I remember how heartbreaking and horrific it was to lose Ella. I loved that cat but a cat is different than a dog. I love Tess a lot. I would definitely miss her cuddles in the crook of my legs at night and her sometimes scary attention and eyes that don't close because they are so big. However, she doesn't depend on me the way Moxie does which creates a different type of bond. It's never easy to lose a family member - whether two legged or four.

For now, I'm going to drum my fingers until my mom picks up her granddog from the vet for me and I know she is safely home and then I'm going to hug and kiss her when I see her at home tonight. I'm going to enjoy every moment I have with her and try really hard to not think about a time when those moments might no longer exist.

My Hip Journey

2011-05-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

It started in May 2010. That little twinge of pain. A little stiffness when I first stood up. The pain of walking for the first few blocks. It was weird but it wasn't alarming. I was in Europe at the time I first started noticing things were off so I figured it was just a matter of walking more than usual and having a slight strain in the hip. But then it didn't go away. It would hurt horribly when I would run and then worse when I didn't. I remember very clearly walking to Safeco Field with my nephew and feeling like a knife was stabbing me in the front of my leg.

Something was wrong.

My mom had suggested I try her chiropractor and see if he could help me. After a summer of discomfort that was increasing I decided it was time to go see a doctor. Because I'm cheap and I figured with my mom's "free appointment" it would be less expensive to go to the chiropractor I went in to see him. His first thought was things were a bit odd because the pain was in the front of my leg. Usually, hip pain comes from the sacroiliac which would manifest itself in your lower back. My pain was almost exclusively in the direct front of my left leg. He took a bunch of x-rays and said to come back in a day or two. Before I was even back to the office he called me and let me know something was amiss and he needed me to come back the next day as early as possible.

My mind immediately went to cancer. When I got there he showed me the strange way my body was shaped. There was no tumor. No cancer. Just a weird body. Duh. I could have told him that. I've known my hips were uneven since I was in Junior High. I've had a sway in my back that is ridiculous for longer than that. My toes curl under in a way I can't control which evidently is from having short ligaments in the back of my legs and bottom of my feet. I could have told him I was weird shaped. It didn't take a medical degree to see that.

What concerned him though was the cloudiness he was seeing in my hip joint. That I didn't understand or know about previously. He wanted to take further pictures so he did and told me to come back again the next day.

The following day he explained to me that the cloudiness in my joint were actually cysts that had developed because of the sharp angle of my hip. He told me this was above his pay grade (my words not his) and sent me to get better pictures and to a specialist in odd hips. I'm thankful for his quick recognition of the fact that what I had was not a chiropractic issue and his referral to Dr. Lovell who is one of the top rated doctors for my type of issue. When I saw him in October I was told by his assistant, for the first time, that a full hip replacement was necessary.

What!? I'm 33 years old. I'm active. I'm not in THAT much pain. What do you mean, full replacement? But they were adamant. It was my only option at this point. The bone had died. I had no space left in my joint leaving the ball and socket bone on bone, he was surprised to see me as mobile as I was.

That diagnosis was devastating to me and to my too mom I think. We both drove pretty quietly back to her car. It didn't seem like it could be real. In my mind they had the wrong x-rays. I was getting a second opinion.

The second opinion though was more of the same. By the end of October I knew surgery was inevitable. The second doctor gave me advice to put it off as long as I could. He suggested I stay away from doctors. He gave me a prescription to an arthritis medication and suggested I take it as necessary along with Tylenol. The best thing to do was to put it off and get as old as possible before I had to do anything about it.

The hip replacement would end my ability to run and jump. This was a limitation I wasn't very willing to put my arms around. The new joint would be good and pain free but it would be not as strong as a real joint and it would wear out. A second replacement was inevitable. If I limited my activity level it might postpone the second or third replacement but future surgery was a reality. I was depressed. I was depressed and my pain steadily increased.

I told myself I could put the surgery off for years and that maybe the technology would improve in the meantime. I would stay away from doctors and I would show them, just like I showed the doctors who told me I shouldn't be walking around on my previously broken and damaged ankle. I am nowhere close to surgery on that joint and they had told me years ago that I shouldn't put it off. I was determined to do the same thing with my hip. I couldn't ignore the change in my walking pattern that eventually turned into a constant limp and I couldn't ignore the knife like pain that began to be ever more prevalent in my left leg.

Finally, the end of May I took Moxie for a hike. It was steeper than I expected and by the end of the hike Moxie was so hot I was practically carrying her and I wasn't sure my hip would get me back to the car. It scared me as I thought about having to be helped off the Butte and I knew I couldn't put the surgery off any longer. In one afternoon I went from thinking I was hopefully another five years off from surgery to thinking it couldn't wait another month. The next Monday I scheduled a second appointment with Dr. Lovell. He couldn't see me until the beginning of August but I knew I wanted to meet with him instead of his assistant if he was going to be the one cutting on me (a terrifying enough thought without knowing the surgeon).

In the meantime, I had a life to live. My prescription had run out so I went to my primary doctor and she renewed my prescription and agreed with my assessment of surgery being necessary sooner rather than later. My summer has been filled with weddings - eight between Memorial Day and Labor Day this year. The first one was in Seattle and I had a chance to go to a baseball game with Pete during the weekend I was over there. He mentioned to me an advertisement he had seen for a "new" hip replacement that allows people to remain active and lead their same lives as before. I listened but didn't really think anything of it. Then my mom told me she had seen the same thing. If my mom and Pete were both telling me about it, two people I love and respect very much, I figured it was worth looking into. My mom emailed me a link she had found with information about it and I did some research. It turns out it wasn't a full replacement of the hip. Instead it was a resurfacing of the existing joint, putting space back and limiting the bone on bone situation that occurs when a joint "wears out". There were some limitations in the candidates however. The most alarming to me was that it was not a good surgery for someone who was in their childbearing years. I don't know that I will ever have children but I also don't know that I'm at a place in my life where I can make that forever decision.

I decided it wasn't fair to just decide outright that I wasn't a candidate without at least discussing things with a doctor. I wasn't sure if there was a local doctor who would do the surgery but I decided it was worth looking into. There were in fact two doctors in Seattle who were authorized and trained in the resurfacing. One was at the UW Hospital and one was at Swedish. That's an easy decision for me. I've always thought Swedish was one of the best hospitals in Seattle and I didn't like the idea of med students being involved in my surgery so I made an appointment with Dr. Pritchett. He was able to get me in within a few weeks.

I was super nervous about the appointment. I didn't want to get my hopes up but I also was feeling as though this might be such an amazing answer for me. To make a long story short, Kathy, my Godmom went with me to the appointment and we both really liked Dr. Pritchett. He told me I was a candidate - despite the fact Dr. Lovell had said the bone was dead, which Dr. Pritchett saw but didn't see as a concern and that the surgery had changed so there were no longer necessary concerns over having children after the operation. It was a two week recovery vs. two months and once I healed I would not feel like I had ever had a hip surgery. No one would be able to tell (unlike with a replacement where some form of my limp would likely remain) and while I shouldn't go out and become a marathon runner my limitations would be few. He said I would feel as though I could run marathons but the resurfacing would likely wear out more quickly if I did. The wearing out of the resurfacing would lead to either another resurfacing or a full replacement at that time. I'm not anxious for more surgery or pain so I think I'll remain at the finish line cheering on all of you crazy runners. I can still coach basketball in comfort and should be able to run on occasion if the spirit moves me - which it usually doesn't honestly. I'll stick to my bike and the elliptical.

There is a higher failure rate in the resurfacing procedure than in the replacement (5% vs 0%) but I would say a 5% risk is worth taking. Plus if the resurfacing doesn't work I will still be able to get a replacement. The opposite is not true.

My surgery is scheduled for September 19th. I have those weddings to get through remember? I'm still meeting with Dr. Lovell in early August and if he sets off alarm bells things might change but at this point I'm very willing to take the risk and see where it leads me.

This journey has been a very isolating time. It has made me have a deeper appreciation for the people I know who are in chronic pain. It's impossible for your peers to understand the sadness and frustration that comes with that feeling and feeling as though you have limitations where others don't. That's a feeling I didn't understand until I've lived it. My heart now goes out to you and I apologize for not having more compassion for you before now.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me as I've gone through this.

My pre-op appointment is on Friday. I'll try to do a better job of documenting what's going on than I have recently. Maybe it will give someone else who is feeling alone in their situation feel like there is actually someone else who gets it.

If you are a praying person - please remember me on September 19th and the days leading up to that day as I'm incredibly scared for the procedure and the healing time to follow.

That's all for now,
The Future Bionic Woman

Monday

2011-02-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Things about Monday:

1) It's the only day of the week I find myself eating a cookie and a piece of chocolate at approximately the same time.

2) It's the most difficult day to work out but when I do I set myself up for a good week.

3) I like to close my eyes while I'm talking on the phone with clients on Mondays. This might be because I'm actually falling asleep during these conversations and it might be because I'm concentrating extra hard. That's for me to know and no one else to ever find out.

4) It's a day of the week that generally requires afternoon caffeine. (See #3)

Other things about work:

1) I love that you can bring a bag of baked goods that taste horrible because your mom raised you not to waste anything and so even though your Crisco turned bad you still used it anyway and they disappear by the end of the day with no one even asking a question.

2) I have to walk far to great of a distance to go to the bathroom.

3) My employer doesn't like to buy it's employee's sticky notes. I use three times more sticky notes on Mondays than any other day of the week.

Stay True To Your Course

2010-09-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

There is a compass on my desk that was a gift from my parents when I graduated from college (ten years ago – scary). On it is a small gold plaque that says “Stay True To Your Course.” It’s been a good and gentle reminder for the last ten years. I purposely keep it where I can see it on a very regular basis.

Even with it in an obvious place I sometimes forget. I find myself drifting to a place I never intended to go. I think these are the times when I decide to follow my own ideas instead of listening to God’s nudging. I’ve actually had prayer time when I’ve said “I hear what you are telling me God but I want to go down this other road instead” or as is the most recent case “I hear you and I will obey, but not yet.”

Those two specific times I’m thinking of have led to the most painful and tear filled times in my life.

How does one make decisions that gets them so off course when they know specifically what choices should be made? It’s that human tendency toward sin I think. It’s hard at times to not be of the world, make decisions that give earthly gratification but perhaps not heavenly gains. Sometimes that immediate payoff is hard to pass up but if we are truly living for the Glory of God our focus should be upward and toward the future instead of the immediate and horizontal.

I think I take over the rudder in steering the course because I think I found a more direct path; one that would get me to my goal in a more expedited fashion. I’ve found though that my seemingly quicker route leads inevitably through a route with menacing sharks and rough waters.

This summer my Bible study leaders from Seattle raced their sailboat from Vancouver Canada to Maui, HI. They were one of, if not the smallest boats in the race and they won. They were the fastest boat to get to Maui. I think they are one of the smallest boats to ever get the fastest time in the history of the race.

It was a grand lesson in perseverance. Susan broke her ribs on about the third day. Scott was seasick almost the entire race but they stayed on their course and made it to Maui. I think the injuries and illness made them even more focused on the goal and had them looking for the most direct, wind pushed course.

Perhaps that’s the reason God allows me to steer off course on occasion. Those injuries should make me focus on the joy and health that exist when God has his hand on the rudder instead of me.

I’m getting back to my charted course. It’s enough wandering around in the Pacific beating off the sharks with a small, splintered wooden paddle.

I’m tired and my ribs are broken. They’ll heal with time. Especially if I just sit back and rest and let God take over.

Well that Hurts - Prayers and Praises

2010-09-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

I spent a couple hours today with DH and his new lady SG at an after work, work function. It was a pretty painful thing to do. She's not the most bright person and she's twenty years younger than him with a best friend who is 25 years younger than him. She is much closer in age to his son than to him. I stayed as long as I could handle it but once conversation turned to them doing the things he and I had talked about doing I had to leave. It was enough. I have more respect for myself than that. I met his buddy T who I had heard so much about and have really wanted to meet for the past few months. Meeting him confirmed that I've been used by DH for the last few months and that I really didn't mean to him what he led me to believe. "Look me in they eye DH - I know you lied to me about who I've been to you for the last eight months." F you. T had never heard of me because why would you tell your best guy friend about a girl who "knows you better than almost anyone else"? T talked mostly to me, but of course he did. I was the only person at the event that was 15 years or closer to his age. I can't respect T for not having higher expectations for DH but I do appreciate the fact he is a good friend to him even if maybe he isn't the best one. I feel more than a little numb about DH right now. I'm not angry, I'm sad but I'm also apathetic. It's time to move on.

I said goodbye to DH's dog who loves me and sticks close to me when I'm around. I don't foresee that I will ever see him again.

I was told by God very loudly on multiple occasions the three or four weeks before this all went down that I needed to move on. Each time I heard it I told him I would.......just not quite yet. I feel sad that I didn't listen and obey when I was hearing so clearly from God that I needed to. My disobedience again led to further pain. When will I learn?

For the last couple of weeks I've fallen back into a question I used to ask myself in college a lot. That question is: if I died today, who would come to my funeral? It isn't that I want to have a funeral. It's that I wonder who feels I am important enough to come remember. I think a funeral is the ultimate expression of what you did while you were alive. I often ask myself if I am living in such a way to leave a mark on the people around me. The last two weeks I've worried that DH wouldn't come to my funeral. After tonight I hope he wouldn't. I guess maybe I have a bit of anger in there.

I've been dealing with some significant hip pain for the last four months. It's finally been diagnosed and I'm going to see a bone and joint specialist on October 4th. It would be wonderful if you all (if you are praying types) could pray for pain free days until then and wisdom for the doctors. I'm very nervous I will have to have surgery but I'm also worn out from the constant pain.

I'm in the process of negotiating for another house. I really like this one. It couldn't get much better actually but I really do think it is going to take a miracle to make the seller have a realistic picture of what she can get for her house in this market. I was praying about it on the way home tonight. I know God can make miracles happen and I really think that is what this is going to take. Please pray he'll make a miracle happen for me.

Finally, a HUGE praise. Tonight after I left DH's house I had to pull over and cry for a bit, try to pull myself together for the next event of the evening. I got a text message as I was pulled over from a new friend from my Wednesday night small group. She told me she is trying to find me a cheep ticket to the fair and that she had postponed going so she could go with me on Thursday without me even asking. One of the things I've been praying for is a good girl friend. Teah and I have spent some time together and I really like her. I'm very hopeful that God has put her in my life as an answer to that prayer. Her timing tonight with her text couldn't have been any better. She made me realize it was OK to walk away from all parts of my relationship with DH. It's too painful to watch someone you love self-destruct. I'm not going to watch that so Teah is a definite answer to prayer. My goal for the rest of the week is to continue to look for more of those answers.

I think I'm taking a day tomorrow.

It Seems I'm Still In A Sticky Situation

2010-09-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

The question has now become: how many times do I reach out, have the door slammed in my face and yet still reach out? Things are ridiculous with DH right now. I had a few minutes at lunch with him today where it was only the two of us and he wouldn’t talk to me so I told a random story that had no point and breathed a sigh of relief when two other friends joined us. I reached out again this afternoon and got no response. Zero. Ignored. Message deleted. I don’t really know what happened. I feel as though I’m the one who was wronged in the situation and yet I’ve moved on, moved forward and he is the one who acts like he has a chip on his shoulder. Guess what “friend” – I’m not going away. Get used to it. No matter how many times you break my heart, until you give me a reason for your odd and hurtful behavior I’m going to be an annoying reminder of how immature you are being.

I’ve learned a really valuable lesson in all of this really. It’s about communication. I’m probably overly communicative. It comes along with being female I think but I’m in touch with my feelings and emotions and really have very little problem expressing them. Odds are I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had just kept my mouth shut about how I was feeling two weeks ago but I would still be mad and hurt and wouldn’t have moved on. Instead I’ve moved to a good place about the situation, just not a good place about DH’s and my relationship. DH on the other hand clearly isn’t as good at this communication stuff. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Yet he won’t tell me what it is. Instead he is stewing and keeping things from me and it is very sad. My guess is it would be solvable if the problem was put on the table and we both could have the friends back that I know I miss. I’m guessing he feels the missing friendship as well. He told me two weeks ago I know (knew) him better than almost anyone else in his life. You can’t help but miss that if it isn’t there. I feel the same about him and I know I feel the vacancy.

I keep praying that he will just open up to me and tell me what the issue is because this is getting on the ridiculous side. I’m terrified he’ll never do that; my heart will end up too broken to continue to pursue the friendship and I’ll lose what’s become so important to me the past eight months.

Do I sit down and force the issue again? Do I make myself realize this is probably the reason for his failed relationships in the past and things will never change and give up? How much abuse do you take before it isn’t worth it? Do I write the email I’m dying to write:

Dear DH:

I’m not going anywhere. If you want to face whatever issue is lingering and move beyond it I’m here to do that. Keep pushing away and it will only make me push forward. Let’s face what’s there and move beyond it for the benefit of both of us.

Forever your friend unless you tell me why I’m not,
KT

Fighting Through The Fighting Through

2010-08-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

The past couple weeks have not been easy ones for me. I keep telling myself to just buck up, it’s not as bad as it could be but I’ve been sort of in the Chinese Torture Chamber where the water keeps dripping on my head in the same place. Eventually, water is going to make it into my brain and some serious issues are going to be created. Until then, I just listen to the steady knocking on the top of my head and keep praying over the noise of it.

It’s hard in tough times to remember to look for God’s blessings within them. You know somewhere in the far reaches of your brain and in the dark corners of your heart that blessings are there but you’re mad and confused and a lot scared. A lot scared.

A little over a week ago Work (now known as DH – and no that has nothing to do with baseball) and I had a disagreement. I got mad - he didn’t know it, I got my heart broken - he knew it. It’s almost worse actually that there was a fraction of a second that he knew what he was doing would cause me pain and yet it was done anyway. I lashed out at him in anger on Wednesday and it was unfair of me to spring it on him when he was probably not expecting it but I couldn’t walk around with it anymore. We talked things through a bit better later in the day but I still feel uneasy. I tried to reach out and make a mend in the fence this weekend but my effort was ignored. Now I’m really feeling the loss of my friend. I sort of wish I had kept my mouth shut about being hurt but that’s not real honest and I try to live pretty honestly with the people I care the most about.

This weekend I got to thinking about disagreements I’ve had with the people I’ve loved in the past. They are always really scary. For some reason I don’t believe people will stick around. I feel like there will be a fight and that person will be long gone. Sometimes that’s been the case. I remember when Carney and I had our first big fight. I was terrified that he would decide to walk out the door. But he stayed. Our relationship didn’t end because of a fight. It ended because we were two entirely different people and we weren’t meant for each other.

I remember I was driving and we were on the phone when that first fight took place. I remember specifically the moment when I thought I was for sure going to lose him. I was merging onto I-405 going south, probably headed to church. I don’t remember what the fight was about but I remember thinking, “well this is it. I’ve lost him.” But at the end of that conversation he told me he loved me and that he would see me later in the evening.

I was shocked by that. He still loved me and wanted to stay with me even though we had disagreed. I’m sure the fight was about me needing more of his time and to be his priority since that was what we always fought about – that or his timeliness – but I remember I was being demanding. Asking for more from him. In getting through that disagreement and remaining together I learned just because you fight it doesn’t have to mean an end.

I’ve learned that lesson more than once now but I’m still terrified today that I’ve lost the man who has become my closest friend in this city. There are some (Jeanette) who would say that’s a good thing. That perhaps it’s time for me to free up my heart for something else. I feel as though I’m capable of looking at DH with friend eyes and to move forward to some of the opportunities which may have already been presented, but I feel like I’m stuck without my friend and it has broken my heart all over again.

I feel like once again, I need him to reach out and say it’s going to be ok, that our friendship is worth fighting through the fighting through. All I can do is hold my breath and hope. Hope that while he might have had a moment where what I was going to feel didn’t matter, that it was just a temporary thing and he’s missing me just as much as I’m missing him.

That we’re ok.

Give God your Hurts

2010-08-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

Rick Warren's darn devotional always talks about exactly what I'm going through. Sheesh.

If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

"For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them."

In your life, you will be hurt by others; sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. How you handle that hurt determines your happiness. When you bottle up hurt in your life and hold onto it - that's called resentment. If somebody hurt you years ago and you're still holding onto it, it will poison your life. For your own health and happiness, you must learn to forgive.

The Bible says forgive and be forgiven. In fact, Jesus says "if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done" (Matthew 6:15 TEV). They're inter-related. It reminds me of the story where someone told John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, "I just can't forgive that person! They hurt me too badly." Wesley's response was, "Then I hope you never sin."

For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of the past. Forgive them and let it go. Get on with life. Forgiveness erases the videotape of that hurt memory that keeps playing over and over in your mind.

When we let go of our hurts and forgive others, we are reflecting the grace of our heavenly Father who forgave us and continues to forgive us. It means we've given God our love; we've given God our lives; and, in doing that, we worship God.

Sensing a Pattern

2010-08-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

I was thinking recently about the major moves I’ve made in my “adult” life. Really there have only been two non-school related moves. I tend to be pretty steady when I pick a spot and a direction. I’m always open for the call of the wind if need be but my history has had the wind keeping me grounded rather than picking me up and moving me around. I moved to Seattle in 2003 to take the bar exam and start my career. I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends in the area who were my home base. I was also fortunate to meet two girls in my bar review class who became good friends for the summer and a bit of time beyond that. It was just enough support to get me started.

When I worked for the judge I was surrounded by a lot of people more or less my age. My friendships at work started as casual acquaintances and then developed into more meaningful, although frustrating, relationships as I dated and spent more time with people. For the first year they kept me from being lonely. Then right around the same time MFer and I broke up I was invited to a church group with Aaron and Heidi where I found friends and a support group that continues to exist to this day, even across the miles. My friendships at the county slowly dissolved as I moved to a new job at a firm in south county. Some remained longer than others. Some I was happy to move away from. Some I mourned the loss of them in my life.

I moved to Spokane in January of this year. I am very fortunate to have my family here as a support. I made some friends really quickly at work. My expectation is that most of those friendships will last because I have no thought of leaving my awesome job. Things change but for now that’s where I see myself. Now, I’ve found a church and was invited to a small group for 20-30 year olds and I hope that once again I’m going to find a place filled with friends and support.

It will be interesting to see if the pattern from my earlier move continues as I’m seeing it unfold now. I would be happy if it did. I would have liked to avoid the broken heart that I went through in Seattle, and to some extent I think I have for now, but if it all ends up with me as happy as I was there it will be well worth it.

I'm Somewhere In There

2010-08-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Confusion to super confusion. Hopeful to hopeless. Peaceful to distress. To Clarity.

Happy?

2010-08-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

The question was posed to me of "are you happy"? It seems like it should have been a fairly easy question to answer - are you happy or are you unhappy. Well, I have joy. But joy is different than happiness. My joy comes from my faith in God. Oddly enough that's a easy question to answer. But am I happy? I'm not content. There are too many things about my life that I would like to see as different to be content. If I was content I would stop growing and my life would become stagnant. It's good to be content to a point but I hope I'm never fully content.

But am I happy? Happy has been defined as "delighted, pleased or glad". Delighted in life is maybe a bit too strong. Pleased in my life? Yes. Glad? Some/most of the time. So does that make me happy? I suppose so. I don't really know what would make me MORE happy other than maybe getting everything I want in life. I don't actually think that would truly make me happy either because usually I think we don't get what we want because God is protecting us from something we can't even see. If I could eat every sweet in the world without being fat I would still be sick from all those sweets. That wouldn't make me happy. Not at all. I'd like to have all the money in the world so I didn't have to worry about finances but then there would be many problems associated with that too. I just know it. (I'd be willing to try it out though if someone is looking to donate to someone) I'd like to have a really expensive car. I would worry about it getting scratched or stolen. I would like to be married. OK - studies do show that married people tend to be happier and I would really like to be married but I KNOW it isn't all ponies and puppy dogs in a marriage. I've seen struggles from my friends and I've been involved in enough divorces in my work life to know it can be ugly.

So am I happy? I can't answer the question. Are you?

Daydream Tuesday

2010-08-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

While cleaning out my purse today I found the Kate Spade "calling card" in the pocket. I opened it up and it had a nice little succinct saying in it that sums up my daydreams on a regular occasion. I've never been to Italy but I sure wouldn't mind going there.

occasionally she dreams of italy.
she dreams of cheese shops, persnickety fiats,
and very fine leather goods.

I've put it up on my cube wall next to my quote that says "Despair Defined". That quote came from an article I was reading about birth defects and how that life experience effects the parents of the babies, especially when caused by medical malpratice. I put it up to remind myself of the compassion I need to have for my clients. Those two things (along with my latest addition - an advertisement from Volvo that says "An Invitation to be Naughty") pretty much sums up my life right now.

Who is your "person"?

2010-07-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs a “person”. You know, the individual you would call in the event of an emergency. They should be in your life on a daily basis and live in the same town or at least within close proximity of you. I had a sad moment last night when I realized I don’t really have a “person” right now. I have my family but that’s a weird concept for me. I’m not used to having to rely on them for that sort of support and it’s a prideful thing for me to feel like I don’t need to. I got extremely frustrated with Work yesterday when I realized that I actually am his “person” or at least one of them but yet the same isn’t true for me. He can text me, ask me for a favor and know it isn’t stepping over any lines but yet I don’t feel like I can call him when I’m locked out of my car, in tears, in the parking garage. I'm in desperate need of a single girlfriend around my age who can be my person and for who in turn I can be their "person". Life is too lonely without that.

Make sure to call your person today and thank them for being that for you. You will miss them and wish you had when they aren't around any longer for whatever reason.

work and Work, etc.

2010-07-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a bit out of touch lately and I apologize for it. The move to Spokane has been remarkable and has made me not super interested in sharing some of my thoughts with my cyber friends for whatever reason. Wow – I can’t believe I just said the phrase “cyber friends”. I’ve suddenly become a super SUPER nerd. Anyway. It’s been good but also a challenge. I’ve tried to stay as upbeat and positive about things as possible which has been easy at times and very difficult at times. I’m thankful for the friends who have been to see me (Kirstin, Adrienne) and those who are coming (Murph, Scobys, Schneiders). You all have kept me sane.

My job is GREAT. People are happy to be there everyday. I’m happy to be there about 99% of the time. There are some great personalities that keep me amused. I get to be in this incredible place where I’m on a team with individuals who have and who are caring for people who have various disabilities. What an honor.

As is often the case there’s someone who has caught my attention who I’ve come to care about a lot. We’ll call him “Work”. It was successful for Lora. Maybe it will be for me as well.

Work (the capital W one, not the lowercase) probably creates 80% of my joy and about 90% of my frustration. That doesn’t seem like a very good balance. It’s not very fair sometimes as I feel like perhaps I’m getting used a bit for his benefit. This feeling seems to go in waves. It’s probably a lot in my head based on where my security in myself is for the day but as I’ve become fond of saying – you really can’t help what you feel whether it’s rational or irrational. It is what it is. He definitely knows how to get to me. On more than one occasion he’s told me I’m his priority. This is an absolute key phrase for me after my experience of feeling like I have never been good enough to be someone’s priority. With MFer it was always work first. With Carney it was anything he could think of. With Mr. Airplane it was, well, it was Mr. Airplane. I was his priority when I could be. I can’t ever find fault with that guy. (sigh) It’s one of the things that has been the most painful in my dating life so when that statement is made I swoon. Whether he means it or not I don’t know. But I also don’t know why I doubt that he does.

On my run last night I was berating myself about some of the mistakes I’ve made and telling myself that God is still holding those mistakes against me. I found myself wondering if I hadn’t done this or if I had made a different choice in certain situations would I be in a different place in life. As is usually the case when I got done beating myself up I didn’t feel any better. Funny though the devotional today reminded me that there was no truth in what I was telling myself.

God Says You Are Forgivable
By Rick Warren

I am the God who forgives your sins and I do this because of who I am and I will not hold your sins against you. Isaiah 43:25

When something starts going wrong in your life, do you automatically think, "God's getting even with me, I know it! I did that thing I'm ashamed of yesterday (or last year or twenty years ago) and now he's settling the score."

Does God really treat his children that way? Absolutely not! Isaiah says God doesn't hold our sins against us. Once we've confessed our sins to him, it's all forgiven and forgotten and he doesn't even bring up the past.

If you're a Christian, pay close attention to Ephesians 1:4-5: "Even before the world was made, God had already chosen us to be his through our union with Christ, so that we would be holy and without fault before him. Because of his love God had already decided that through Jesus Christ he would make us his children—this was his pleasure and purpose." (TEV)

Do you realize that when God looks at you, he sees you through Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ on the cross paid for all of your sins so that you're forgiven and they're forgotten.

That's why becoming a Christian is such GOOD NEWS. I give Jesus all my life -- the good, the bad, the ugly - and he takes it and he forgives me and he gives me a new chance. He says, "Now I see you without a single fault. You stand before me covered with my love."

What a relief.

I have found a church that I really like which is going to be a good thing. I’m hoping I’ll meet some people and I’ll get rid of some of the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately in addition to getting some good teaching. We have a new pastor and he’s great. It’s nice to feel like I’m not the only newbie around.

I’m closing in on a house on the South Hill but it is still a ways out in the negotiation process. I’m looking at new construction again so it probably won’t be done until the end of the year (or according to Nathan a year from the end of the year. Please don’t let that be the case again!). It will be nice to have a decision made however – one that gives me the mental peace of knowing when I should be on my own again. I can’t wait to be in a house that smells like me with my own things around me and only who I choose to answer to to answer to. I appreciate the time spent with my parents, it won’t ever happen again more than likely, but the time has come.

So that’s it for now. I have my Europe stories to put up and I’m going to have a quiet weekend more than likely so I’ll do my best to maybe get some stuff uploaded.

Going off the grid

2010-05-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow (a day late unfortunately, but I'm going none the less) for my European vacation. I'll be off the grid for over two weeks and I can't wait. I'm needing some time to sort of check myself for lack of better words. It's funny because I was talking to Jenny on Sunday about what's going on in life and we were talking about my last trip to Europe which was twelve years ago. I was struggling with many of the same issues when I left the states then. Then I had six months, this time I have only two weeks, but I know it will be a time that will be equally good for my soul and my state of mind.

Rick Warren's daily devotional was perfect today.

God's Word gives us three habits that can help us recharge emotionally when we have nothing left to give.

Solitude - The Bible says, "So many people were coming and going [Jesus] said to them [the disciples]. Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" (Mark 6:31 NIV) Jesus understood that our emotions are like a battery. If you plug one light bulb into a battery, it will last for a fairly long time. If you plug in 100 lights, the battery will drain very quickly. Many of us have so many lights plugged in, our battery is nearly shot. When your battery is drained, then you can't help others recharge their batteries -- you can't give love.

Play -- The Bible says, "Jesus came enjoying life." (Matthew 11:19 Phillips) He was the most people-focus, ministry-intensive person who ever lived, yet he took the time to have fun. Certain activities recharge you emotionally; they literally re-create your energy and enthusiasm for life. We each have different activities that recharge us because we're all made differently. Find out what recharges you emotionally - and make time for it.

Laughter - The Bible says, "Being cheerful keeps you healthy." (Proverbs 17:22 GN) Studies prove that when you laugh, it raises your immunity to illness. Laughter is good for your health. Humor is God's gift to us. Remember, God has a sense of humor -- he made you and me!

To be emotionally balanced, take God very seriously but don't take yourself seriously. Learn to laugh at your limitations. If you only laugh and enjoy life when your problems are all solved, you'll never enjoy life.

Needless to say it's going to be a needed time away. I'm going to miss Moxie and my friends and family but I'm looking forward to some time alone, time laughing with Theresa, Scottie, Shannie and Rob and some time to play in some countries where none of my "stuff" follows me around.

I'll be taking a journal and I'll post on here with pictures when I get back - don't you worry - adventures are made to be shared.

See you on the flip side.

Self-evaluation Weekend

2010-04-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

Starting on Friday I had some things to mull over about myself. All of it was in a positive way, it was just some personal understanding stuff. On Friday evening a friend and I were talking about taking the opportunities life throws you or choosing to walk away from them. I like to think I am the kind of person who takes ALL the opportunities, big or small. It's lead to some pretty neat stuff: singing at Carnegie Hall, meeting President GW, singing the national anthem at a minor league baseball game, meeting a bunch of Mariner's players on the field, etc. He pointed out there is an area in my life where I haven't taken all the opportunities presented to me. This particular opportunity has been presented multiple times in my life and each time I've turned it down. Granted there is a moral reason for this but I started thinking that perhaps there was something more to my decision than just that. I realized yesterday while ruminating on this that I have some serious trust issues that I've never really faced or understood. We've all dealt with rejection. It sucks. It's survivable. Or it has been up to this point. But I also realize that it has caused me to keep part of myself to myself. I've held a part of myself sacred to myself because I don't trust anyone else to not take advantage of it or crush it a little bit. I'm not saying this hasn't served me well, perhaps it has, perhaps it has limited some of the relationships I've been in. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Really, it's simply something to think about in how I deal with people in my life and the decisions I make moving forward. I think we all need to recognize fears and insecurities and how it effects us and the people we interact with on a regular basis. I know I will continue to struggle on occasion with trusting people to not hurt me or leave me or to find a better option but being aware of this fact might take me a long way in improving relationships in the future.

I'm reading a book called Blink by Ted Dekker right now. My assistant Jon gave it to me to read. Evidently, he really likes the author although he says this isn't his best book. I'm not very far into it so I can't tell you if it is worth reading or not. However, there was discussion in the book about free will and predestination. As any of you who have read my blog for long knows, this is something that I really struggled with a few summers ago. I never came to a good conclusion about it. I don't really know what I believe but I decided it was something that didn't really matter as far as my salvation or my belief in Jesus as my savior but philosophically it made a difference. I finally did decide that without any Biblical reasons but based on my personal relationship with Jesus I lean toward free choice with an understanding God knows what choice I am going to make before I make it. It seems a bit contradictory but in my mind based on my relationship with Jesus it makes perfect sense. This section of the book sort of explained the reason behind my final conclusion better than I have. So - for your reading pleasure:

Harland regarded him for a moment. "Do you really believe that God exists, or is he just a concept to you - a mathematical abstraction?"

"I'm not sure I see the difference, but yes, I do believe in God. We are living in a definite design. A design that requires a designer. I see that like I see numbers - plain and simple. What I don't see is how man's attempts to know God through religion make any sense. The very existence of God contradicts the idea that we have free will or choice."

"I don't buy that conclusion," Harland said.

"What's there to buy?" Seth leaned forward and took a sheet of paper from Harland's desk. "May I?"

"Be my guest. This is the equation you wrote?"

"No. This is more of a hypothetical syllogism. In the vernacular." He spoke his argument as he drew it out longhand.

(A) If an all-knowing God exists, then he knows precisely what THE future is. (He knows I'm going to cough in ten seconds.)
(B) If God knows what THE future is, then that future WILL occur, unless God is mistaken. (I WILL cough in ten seconds.)
(C) Because God cannot be mistaken, there is NO possibility that any other future, other than the one future which God knows, will happen. (There's NO possibility I won't cough in ten seconds.)
(D) THEREFORE, if God exists, there is only ONE future, which is THE future he knows. (I cough in ten seconds.)

Seth set the pencil down.

"If God exists, the probability of there being more than one possible future is zero. To believe God exists also requires you to believe that the future is unalterable. By definition. There is only one future, and no amount of willing or choosing or praying or churchgoing can change it. Religion has no purpose."

"Knowledge of fact doesn't necessarily prove singularity of future."

"You're only splitting hairs between knowledge of fact and probabilities."

Harland smiled. "For reasons of faith that won't make any sense to you now, I disagree. And I'm no idiot; I hope you'll give me at least that."

"Of course. But it seems to me that you're committing intellectual suicide to choose faith over logic."

I believe faith clearly plays a roll but I also think there is an aspect of relationship and God listening to us and our worship of him, not that you can earn anything based on your worship or your devotion or your works, but your communication with God has a place and therefore, religion has a role. Without free choice as some part of the equation I think it takes away the relational side of God and that's what I feel the most strongly, even when I feel his silence.

On another note, Jess and I started training for the Beat the Grade bike ride in late June. I still haven't committed with a registration but I'm feeling like it's something I should challenge myself to do. It's an 18 mile bike ride with 8 of those miles being pretty straight uphill, gaining 2000 feet in those 8 miles. It's gonna be intense. It's gonna be an accomplishment.

Oh yeah.

The Common Cry

2010-04-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have heard so often recently the cry of frustration from my single girlfriends of what does it take!? I am sitting in the airport right now waiting for my canceled flight to Seattle and eavesdropping like always and just overheard a lady talking to a friend in Boston who was saying the same thing. What's wrong with me? Why isn't he into me? What is it about me that isn't enough to make him move? I suppose if misery loves company it is nice to know women all over the country feel the same way. I guess I sometimes wonder if society has turned men into boys and made it impossible or at least improbable that they will take a chance, even in the safest of situations - or at least the situations that seem safe to start with. I don't know. My cry of frustration is the same as everyone else. Am I not enough or is there more to it than that? Where are/is the man who will see the value of these incredible women (me included) and not dare waste a moment of possible time? What and who in the world am I waiting for?

Let's Ramble a Bit about Baseball and Boys (well really they are the same)

2010-04-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Warning - this one's pretty random.

I was lucky enough to have work to do in Seattle so I was able to take in Opening Day. Well, I would have found a way to be there no matter what but it was nice to be able to be there after working for the day and feeling guilt free. It was a difficult game to watch but it was so wonderful to be in Safeco field with Kima and Jeanette that it didn't really matter. Just walking up to the field made me breath deeper. Seeing as that's been my mantra for the last three months or so it was exactly where I needed to be. I stayed in the coolest hotel and I'm staying there again in a week. I went and played trivia with Pete, Mark, Andy, Jess, Chris and Ann Marie after the game at this great little German bar. It was a great day.

I love baseball partially because I love to see the boys with the nice legs take the field.

Jack Hannahan may be on the DL but he's hot. Super hot. And he wears my favorite number.

Brandon League on the other hand is not hot.

Sometimes you carry crap around with you from the past. I was on a run in the beautiful sun this evening and realized I had this "thing" just clinging to me. I was able to shake it off and feel it just sort of roll off me. There really is something to this "breathing" thing I think. I love the spring because it's a time of rebirth and I always feel like I'm waking up after a long sleep. Being at Safeco on Monday and spending time with people I care so much about reminded me about the fact it is spring and things are new and exciting again. Baseball has a LONG way to go and so do I. I can breath in that and more easily shake off the stuff that needed to be left behind.

By the way - Franklin is hot too.

Can anyone say spring fever? :)

I went to an auction with Bret on Friday. We had a great time and I had a great time having an excuse to buy a new dress and spend some extra time attempting to look nice. I'm so happy that I've been able to get pulled into things in Spokane farely quickly. It has definitely helped with the transition and I'm starting to feel much more at home here despite being gone quite often. So far so good. We are supposed to have our first 70 degree day on Friday. Life is pretty good.

And so we continue to wait, worry, hope and pray.

2010-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

That is all.

Chaos

2010-03-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

Each one of us is unique but we are being stitched together to form a tapestry, something large that can't be understood until we step back to see the whole thing. At some point we all wake up and then we have to chose. Do we walk in hope believing what God is doing is good or do we stumble around resigning to chaos?

In My Own Way

2010-03-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

I often find that I get into my own way. I over analyze (thank you Jeanette for the talk down last Friday), I get freaked out and then I pull away. For some reason starting yesterday evening I've been doing that. I've got that heavy feeling on my shoulders. I'm second guessing everything I've said or that has been said to me. I'm assuming the worst. I'm negative self-talking. It's really pretty stupid. At the same time I can find no reason to change the thinking. My patience has been pushed for the last four weeks and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be fully honest without repercussions and I'm tired of feeling like I come up a bit short on a regular basis.

On the bright side - it is absolutely gorgeous out. I went for a run last night at 6 and it was still sunny and spring like. The fields around my parents house are starting to green up and my cough is going away. I think Saturday is going to be a good day for a hike.

Patience is a Virtue Right?

2010-03-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

Life is interesting right now. I'm in a new job where I'm still learning daily (at least it doesn't feel completely like a foreign language anymore), I'm meeting new people, having new adventures, experiencing down time for the first time in a lot of years and learning to be patient - as seems to always be the case. I seem to be doing a significant amount of sighing lately.

I never realize how impatient of a person I am until there is something I want that I don't have complete control over. Right now there are a number of things but the "blogable" item is a new house. It's been fine living with my parents. I love them both dearly but it also has been a huge change - one that I wasn't really prepared for even though I thought I was. I've been living by myself for about nine years straight and off and on on my own for another four before that. I'm pretty good at living by myself. I actually really like it. It gives me a chance to recover in the evenings when I need to and I don't feel like I have to report to anybody. While I like to think I'm less self sufficient than I am I really do just fine fending for myself - I've had to learn how to out of necessity. I'm not saying it's how I want to live my life forever, but I thought once that cord was cut when I went away to college it wasn't growing back. It's been hard at times. So, I'm learning to be patient and notice my own bratty tendencies and learning how to think about someone other than myself on occasion as I save money for a down payment on a house here in Spokane. It's probably good for me and maybe preparing me for something in the future (another area of necessary patience - this one harder than the others actually. Baby step. Breathe. Baby step. Breathe.) that I'll need to have this life lesson learned for but phew, it can be a struggle. Thank goodness for the gym and some new and old friends who laugh about it with me and tease me mercilessly.

The rest of my life is taking some patience as well but that's something you'll have to call me about if you want the scoop on that one and haven't already heard it. Oh and it's far more interesting and exciting by the way.

Dear Delta Employee

2010-02-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a hard transition for me switching over from pretty regular travel on Northwest Airlines to now having to put up with Delta. I've had pretty bad experiences with them in the past. I'm currently sitting in the Salt Lake City Airport waiting for my connecting flight home from a surprise Birthday party for Erin (more on that in a later posting). My flights have all been fine. I'm now addicted to the Delta cookies. Crap.

As I'm sitting here killing about a half hour I was eavesdropping on a Delta employee who popped in line ahead of me and asked for the jump seat. (We'll call him Darren because, well, his name is Darren) I guess since I was eavesdropping it was a little bit of my own fault that I overheard such a disappointing conversation but still.... (oh and I can't fault Delta for hiring such a jerk so don't take this as yet another ranting again Delta - I don't want to jinx things and cause my flight to become delayed)

Anyway, Darren first was talking to his girlfriend making plans for the evening. He was being SO sweet to her and I found myself thinking that there is really nothing that is much more attractive than a man who is polite and willing and able to express his admiration for the person they are dating. It wasn't a thought like - I want to date him - it was more a thought of - I hope someday in the near future someone is able and willing to talk that way to me again. So he ended his conversation with his girlfriend with a very heartfelt, "I miss you so much" and then made another phone call. To another girlfriend. Who he "missed so much" and "couldn't wait to see". I almost walked over to the guy and stabbed him in the eye with the straw in my iced tea.

Seriously, what is wrong with people.

Well, my plane's about to board so I had better wrap this up. Welcome back to my blog. I promise to get more faithful again in writing and will give an extended life update sometime in the near future.

One of my favorite things about close friends

2009-12-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

I love when you can read an email from a friend and hear their voice saying the words to you. (That is for your Laura!)

Sorry I've been radio silent. There's a lot going on but much of it isn't internet ready until the end of the year.

I DID do 55 pushups on the pushup challenge. And I had the highest score of all the girls. Well I was the only girl who followed through but still.

I went to Austin with Erin for my Birthday last month. I was able to have two hours with Jenny, Jodi, Kristen and Sarah in MN too. It was wonderful to have some girl time and get away admist what has been some serious madness.

I spent Thanksgiving split between my parents' house and Adrienne's in Colorado Springs. We made an absolute feast for the two of us (her boyfriend Chris was too sick to eat poor guy). I'm sure she's still eating the leftovers. :) She gets to Seattle for Christmas break on Saturday. I can't wait to see her again.

Erin got here last Friday. We cruised up to Arlington where we've gotten trees together since we were kids and hunted down a nice Christmas tree in the snow yesterday. We couldn't be gone long because Moxie was spayed last week and is acting a little needy but it was still a great time. One of those things I'm trying to slow down and enjoy as they come along.

Those of you who don't know all that is going on are going to be quite surprised I do believe. Hang in there. The news is coming on New Years Day.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Push Up Challenge - end of week "four"

2009-10-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

This was the end of week "four". Technically it was the end of week five but week four was tough so I took an extra week to finish. I have until the end of the month with only two weeks of the program left so I have a little breathing room.

At the end of week four you do another exhaustion test. I'm up to 45 consecutive push ups now! Almost half way there!!! I think I might actually be able to do 100 push ups by Halloween!!!

Does Anyone See a Pattern Here?

2009-10-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Moxie and I (and Kirstin) have done some hiking the past couple weeks. It started with a hike to Twin Falls on a chilly but beautiful day. Moxie gets better and better at the whole hiking thing. When I first went out with her she had to stop and "talk" to everybody who passed and generally she took more time to smell the roses than I would have. Probably not bad all in all but sometimes it's hard to be patient. By the end of the Twin Falls hike we were passing people she wasn't even really acknowledging. She is starting to show her maturity. For the most part.

The following weekend just Moxie and I headed over to Whidbey Island for a hike in Fort Ebey. Again, it was a beautiful day. Going over to Whidbey is great because you get a ferry ride and on a day like last Saturday that was well worth it. I ended up in the ferry line next to a client so we chatted while we waited - it's a small world I tell you.

The hike we were doing was a loop. I had a book with the path spelled out and I figured it would be a good easy trek. Not a lot of elevation and not really all that long. It was only supposed to take 2 hours according to the book so I figured we would be able to do this other short one on another part of the island as well since we were over there. We left the car around 3 and started out on the "Bluff Trail". It was beautiful! Walking along the Straight of Juan de Fuca with the sun shinning off the water can not be beat. I found myself thinking - umm I live here. It was nice. We stopped to take some pictures and that's where the first problem started. First of all Moxie kept almost walking off the edge of the cliff where I was taking the pictures. I was so focused on keeping her away from the edge that at one point I bent over and her water bottle fell out of my pack, over the cliff, and into the ocean. I had to tell myself it was like the Jack Handy quote: "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let them go, cause man, they're gone." I figured what the heck - we were already thirty minutes or so into the hike and she would be fine for another hour. I had water in my pack but it was in a bladder for my hydration system so not easily accessible for her but I figured in a pinch I could make something work. And eventually I had to.

Moxie was wearing her own pack for the first time. It was empty but she didn't know. She was very proud.

As we traveled down the trail I suddenly realized we were doing the hike the opposite way of the description in the book. I figured we could just follow the directions backward and we would be fine. Wrong. This is what ensued. (Yes, this really is a sign I found while we were lost on the hike)

Eventually I found our way back but the two hour hike turned into a four hour hike. Moxie had to be convinced to continue forward rather than retrace our steps a few times - she evidently has more sense than I do and we had to run from a low growl in the woods on one occasion. I know this should have been a fun adventure, especially since I knew we could always retrace our steps if we needed to, but really it was pretty stressful. Next time I'm going back to just stay on the bluff trail even if it is an out and back and not particularly long. I'll take a picnic and we'll enjoy the scenery at the gun stands (for those of you who have been there you know what I'm talking about) or there are some great looking campsites there. We'll stay and enjoy those.

We made it back to the car around 7 and in time to watch the sun go mostly down. I was cold because I was dressed for afternoon hiking not night hiking and Moxie was begging to get in the car so she could sleep so we didn't stay until the sun went down but we sat on the beach long enough to enjoy a bit of the sunset and to spot a nuclear submarine. It is a diverse place we live.

Confusion

2009-09-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

So I'm confused - how is it possible to go over a month clearly ignoring or at least failing to respond in any way shape or form to attempts at communication with a supposed friend to then suddenly thinking that friend (or what one person thought had been a friend) who had been ignored for over a month is going to give in to attempts at communication? HELLO JERK FACE - A LITTLE COMMON DECENCY PLEASE.

A little tip - if you decide to ignore someone completely it's probably best to at least contact them directly the first time you try to make contact again so you can at least explain why you are such a jerk in the first place.

Oh and an apology would be nice.

Oh and there's going to be no reciprocated communication until there is an explanation in an appropriate forum.

MAN UP ASSHOLE.

Neighbors

2009-09-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor has Tourettes. I'm not even kidding. You should hear her. Then again it might also have something to do with the smell of liquor that is so frequent from their home's general direction.

Sometimes I wish I had Tourettes. Then I could just randomly yell profanities and explain them away - oops, sorry my Tourettes again. It would at least give me an excuse. I used the F word with my coworker the other day (sorry mom) and he asked me to begin randomly coming into his office and swearing at him. I guess it didn't come across as rudely as I expected it do. Damn it. Oops sorry.

Tourettes.

Push Up Challenge - end of week 2

2009-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I had to do an "exhaustion test" the end of this week to reevaluate where I am in my abilities. After two weeks of following the program, I'm happy to report that I can now do 30 consecutive push ups. Yup - I'm ripped. hahaha

Blowing My Top

2009-09-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

Confession time: I literally lost it last night. The last week and a half has been emotional for me personally and work has suddenly turned it on. I feel like I'm sitting in front of a fire hose. So last night when I was trying to be nice and spend some time with Tessie since I think she gets left out on occasion and she decided to bite me on my eyebrow while also clawing me I sort of went out of control. I already have another sore on my left cheek from some unknown source, I'm not sleeping well because of Tessie being all over me in the night and it pushed me past my breaking point. I started screaming at her and (I'm sad to admit) spanking her and then I carried her upstairs and pushed her into her bed in a not gentle manner. About ten seconds later I found a spot where she had decided to pee on Moxie's blanket. Again. For the second time in five days. And I lost it again. I have NOT felt that angry in a really long time.

I actually kind of scared myself because I took it out on Tessie and even scolded Moxie for getting in the way while I was cleaning things up. I knew it wasn't the right way to respond but at that moment I thought I might have a stroke and I had to somehow release the tension. It was a horrible feeling. I also know it really wasn't the fact that Tessie had bit me or that Moxie was in my way. It was a culmination of factors that were making me want to crawl into a hole.

I haven't felt that angry since I learned to control my temper. When I was in elementary school I used to lose it like that. I remember the feeling where I would almost get light headed from anger. It was the same feeling last night and it has carried into today. It's sort of scary. Somehow I've learned overtime how to chill out and not let things get to me like they used to but I've clearly reached my breaking point this week.

There - now you all know I'm a bad person. Tessie wasn't harmed. She and Moxie were both a bit afraid of me for the rest of the night but all seemed to be normal this afternoon. Actually - Tessie took a swipe at my bracelet and thought twice of it. I keep thinking maybe she will eventually stop biting me and generally being a bad cat at times but I don't know.

I told her last night I was going to send her back to the pound but I can't really do that. So does anyone have good stress relieving tips for me? I don't see work letting up anytime soon and my personal life will be somewhat stressful too for some time. Running doesn't really help. Drinking heavily for the rest of my life is one option (just kidding - mostly). Any other thoughts?

Sweet Dreams

2009-09-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Moxie was sick last night. I’ve been very fortunate with her because really other than the first couple of nights she hasn’t needed to go out at night to go to the bathroom. Last night she woke me up a couple times desperate to get out and she very clearly had an upset stomach. (no details necessary poor thing) So I was obviously concerned about her and it made me have a very funny dream that I had to share.

I had a dream that she was really good friends with Ted Kennedy and after he died she was supposed to play golf with Ethel Kennedy but I didn’t want her to because they were democrats. Of course the logical thing was for her to be really mad about it so we were having a fight about it on Facebook. Yes – I did say it was Moxie. A dog. On Facebook. Playing golf with a Kennedy.

Sometimes I even scare myself.

Push-up Challenge

2009-08-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

My gym (Anytime Fitness) is one of those gyms where I know the owner really well and chat with her on a regular basis. I'm not the only one either - she seems to know each of us members and is involved in our lives. Shoot, she's even given me advice on men before. She does what she can to give inspiration to her gym members to keep them motivated and to make things fun. Recently she announced the beginning on the Anytime Fitness Push-up Challenge. I'm not sure if it is a franchise wide event or if she is only doing it at her clubs but when my trainer Shaune found out about it she told all of us that we have to participate. The challenge is this - go from wherever you are in your push-up abilities to doing 100 push-ups by October 31st. I was out of town when the program was released to the members and didn't run into Jen to get it until toward the end of the week last week so I'm starting the program today. I can fairly easily do 15 push-ups now. I probably could do 20 if I really tried. It's not a bad start but I still have a ways to go in only 2 months.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. If your interested in doing the program along with me let me know and I'll send you the weekly workouts. It's three days a week so nothing that isn't totally "doable".

Happy Friday

2009-08-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

Moving on from the dreary posts of yesterday (ick - get OUTTA that funk):

Juli and I were at the baseball game together last night and we got to talking about why sports are so fun. We realized there is nowhere else in life when you get to just outright cheer for something or someone.

I decided this ought to change. Today I have cheered for myself for:

1) Excellent laundry folding
2) A quick and efficient shower
3) A beyond stellar parking job
4) A well written email

Yes - that strange cheering you hear from Mill Creek is just me enjoying my own greatness.

Pain

2009-08-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’m not really a “heady” person. I’m not a brooding artist – although music makes a big impact on me as you know if you’ve read my blog long enough. I don’t sit around all day and contemplate the meaning of life.

I like sports. I like mindless romantic comedies. I like laughing at the stupid stuff. I’m a glass is half full kind of girl.

But when I get hurt by people in whatever capacity they are in my life I get stuck. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I don’t expect it. I always go into relationships expecting the best. Expecting joy not pain. I was severely disappointed by a friend yesterday and I’ve been pouting about it since then. I say pouting because I realize disappointment is part of life and I’m being childish but my heart hurts. (stomps foot) I had let down my guard as far as beginning to trust this person and it turns out my trust was placed inaccurately. They hurt me anyway.

I've been feeling a bit (a lot) invisible lately and this situation with my friend hasn’t helped that matter. It seems that the people I really want to SEE me and KNOW me frankly don’t. It leaves me feeling a bit insignificant. That feeling really hit me last night when four cars in about a 15 mile distance almost pulled into me merging into lanes on the highway. It was like people I love didn’t see me, strangers didn’t see me – I felt insignificant and invisible.

As I was driving to Rotary this afternoon I was thinking about the situation and the hurt I was feeling. I was praying about it but feeling like that wasn’t really helping – sort of the “falling on deaf ears” scenario – when the song I Know You’re There by Casting Crowns came on the CD I was listening to. Without thinking about it I started singing along.

The chorus went through once and caught my attention. When it came through again I stopped singing and realized God really was listening and that I needed to place my trust in him because he would never prove to be unworthy. The chorus of the song goes like this:

'cause I, I know You're there, I know You see me
You're the air I breathe
You are the ground beneath me
I know You're there, I know You hear me
I can find You anywhere

It was of some solace that while my pain wasn’t gone, and my sadness didn’t immediately dissipate, I knew God heard and that he had gone through far worse than what I was going through and all for my benefit. My situation doesn’t benefit God at all, other than the fact I think my being happy makes God happy, and yet I realized he was there for me, loving me, listening to me.

The pain eventually subsides again. Eventually. I continue to hope the amount of times this sort of situation arises in my life won’t be enough to make me lose faith and trust in mankind completely. Through it all though I’m lucky to have a personal relationship with a creator who loves me, even in my weak and doubting, pain filled moments. He hears my crying.

From Rick Warren's Daily Devotional

2009-08-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

“But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” (Habakkuk 2:3 LB).

Even as you make a decision to follow the dream God places in your heart, you can expect a delay. God will not fulfill your dream immediately because this is another step toward building your faith.

In Habakkuk 2, God says, “These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.”

In this step of faith-building you will most likely start asking the question, “When, Lord? When are You going to answer my prayer?”

And we hate to wait. We don’t like to wait in a doctor’s office, or in traffic jams, or at restaurants, or for Christmas presents, or for anything else. But what we hate worst of all is waiting on God.

Have you ever been in a hurry when God wasn’t? It’s so irritating! You’re ready, but God isn’t. God wants to work on you before He works on the project. Every believer must go through the University of Learning to Wait (ULW). Some of us are still working on our degrees from ULW!

• Noah waited 120 years from the time he started building the ark until it began to rain.
• Abraham was told he would be the father of a great nation and didn’t have a child until he was 99.
• God told Moses he would be the leader to lead his people out of 400 years of slavery, but then made him wait in the desert 40 years.
• Joseph spent years in prison before God raised him up and he became the ruler God wanted him to be.
• God had David anointed as king, but then David waited for years until he actually got to be king.

We all have to go through these waiting periods. Even Jesus waited for 30 years in the carpenter’s shop before setting out on his public ministry.

Why do we wait? It teaches us to trust in God. We learn that His timing is perfect. One of the facts we have to learn is this: God’s delay never destroys His purpose.

A delay is not a denial. Children must learn the difference between “no” and “not yet,” and so must we. Many times we think God is saying, “No,” but He is saying, “Not yet.”

Me on vacation

2009-08-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

Vacation and I sometimes fight. It started three years ago when Adrienne, Erica and I went to Maui. I threw up all over the island for the first 24 hours. Then in Hawaii last year I picked up some bacteria. We won't go into details on that one. I threw up in both Colorado and California earlier this year. I'm not usually someone who pukes so I don't really know where that has come from. It seems that my body rejects the idea of relaxation or something - at least that's the theory. So heading into my week off at the lake (pictures and more details to come) I figured I would have at least some type of physical reaction to the whole thing. Thankfully I didn't but it is funny to look back and see what it took to unwind.

Saturday: Get up early. Work out with Shaune. Run around like a chicken with no head. Drive six hours to Hayden, ID.
Sunday: Get up early. Go for a long hilly run before breakfast. Think about reading a book. Sit long enough to read two chapters. Check my cell phone about 60 times. Spend some time in the lake. Fish. Watch a movie but jiggle leg as I do so.
Monday: Get up a little later. Lay in bed and read for a while. Sit in the sun for a while. Swim. Take Keith into town. Go to the gym. Come back. Play with Kelly. Crack a beer. Drink it at the beach. Crack a second beer. Drink it. Stay up too late watching a movie.
Tuesday: Sleep in a bit later. Go fishing. Spend the rest of the day in the water. Read 4 magazines. Consider running during the day but decide to wait until after dinner. Go for a run too soon after dinner. Almost vomit on the road. Come back. Go to bed at 8:30. Sleep more than twelve hours.
Wednesday: Sleep in. Spend the day in the lake. Decide to swim instead of run. Finish book 1.
Thursday: Sleep in. Decide running is for the birds. Take the dog for a walk instead. Finish book 2.
Friday: Sleep in. Make breakfast for the family. Hardly move from the sun all day.
Saturday: Sleep in. Mope about having to leave the lake. Decide to go to the gym in town. Decide not to go to the gym in town. Shop with Jessy instead.
Sunday: Plan to leave mom and dad's at 8:00 am. Get out of bed at 8:00am instead. Leave around noon. Decide to go to church. Decide not to go to church. Decide to work in the garage for a while. Decide not to work in the garage for a while. Finish book 3.

Soundtrack for my life (today)

2009-08-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

A year ago I created a "playlist" that fit my life at that time. I thought maybe I should do it again and see where I am now in comparison to then. Here goes:

1. The More Boys I Meet - Carrie Underwood
2. Ooh Oh - Keri Noble
3. Everything Glorious - David Crowder Band
4. I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney
5. Single - Natasha Bedingfield
6. White Horse - Taylor Swift
7. Facedown - Matt Redman
8. Oh Love - Brad Paisley
9. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
10. Silent Movie - Natasha Bedingfield
11. Life #9 - Keri Noble
12. Shake Me Like a Monkey - Dave Matthews Band

Interesting - it's a bit conflicted.

A weekend that is good for your soul

2009-08-12T10:55:00.001-07:00

I had a tough week last week. Coming back to reality after Grandpa's funeral and realizing that reality didn't include him anymore was far more difficult than I expected. I tend to be a bit of an avoider when it comes to unpleasant things. I think I've taught myself overtime how to ignore sadness around me. A perfect example of that was with the 9/11 NYC attacks. I was one of very few people who didn't sit by the TV and watch and stay tuned to the radio at all times for the next however many weeks after it happened. Instead, I turned off the radio, gathered newspaper articles for a time when I might want to read them and went about my life. I'm not saying this is the right way to deal with sadness but it is my coping mechanism and is what it is for me. It was the same way with Grandpa. I didn't think about losing him until I had to. It's easy to get stuck in grief and I did a pretty good job of doing that last week so this past weekend I decided it was time to shake of the cobwebs and enjoy my weekend celebrating life instead which is what grandpa would have wanted anyway.

I went to Brian and Suzannah's house for a house warming/bday party on Friday. It was great to see so many good friends. Brian and Suzannah's house is great. They have an INCREDIBLE yard that Moxie and Cinnamon went crazy running around in and have officially moved into my "neighborhood". I look forward to many warm evenings at their house.

On Saturday morning I got up and loaded the Volvo with my camping gear (not an easy feat for someone used to using an SUV for camping trips - but Babe is broken) and the dog and we headed over to Moxee, WA. Moxee is a small town only a few miles south east of Yakima. I had never been to Yakima which is a bit silly and I wanted to take Moxie to Moxee. Everyone talks about Yakima not being a nice town but I thought it was really nice. I did a lot of driving around and looking at places and I found numerous hidden spots that I found myself thinking I could frequent.

In researching Moxee, WA when I decided to name Moxie after it I learned it is one of the top Hops producing towns in the world. They hold a Hops Festival the first Friday and Saturday of August every year so I thought it would be a good excuse to head over and check it out. The Hops plants were amazing to see. The town itself is hemmed in by the plants that are about the height of a two story home. At first I couldn't figure out what they were which is a bit silly but they are sort of surprising to see.

After spending a few hours at the festival we went and set up camp at the State Park in Moxee. It was the first time I had ever camped by myself but I had some planning to do for Bible study this week because I was leading and it seemed like some good quiet time to spend with God. I thought it might be a bit scary but it was a crowded campground with very friendly people and a very attentive Park Ranger so I didn't worry about it. Turns out the Park Ranger wasn't actually a nice protective Park Ranger but instead a creepy stalker I'm asking you out for drinks Park Ranger but I didn't know that until the next day so it was all good.

I got to spend my quiet time with God focused on waiting on his timing/call and Moxie and I had fun hiking along the dyke next to the Yakima River and avoiding the skunks that kept coming through our campsite. After the incident with the park ranger on Sunday morning I quickly packed up camp and headed home.

I got home early enough that I was able to go watch a friend play baseball. It's something I've done a few times this summer and each time it has been a highlight of that day or weekend or even week sometimes. He's a good guy, someone I'm happy to have in my life, and I enjoy being able to cheer him on at something he loves to do. It's sort of like how I enjoy doing that for Pete and Steve too. There is something in my nature that gets joy out of supporting the people around me. After the game we went to Dairy Queen with his parents and another friend of his and were there for a few hours. It was nice to have the social time after a day of solitary time. God clearly made us for fellowship.

On Monday (which isn't really the weekend obviously but I have to document this) I met up with a friend of mine that I have known since grade school days. We met at summer camp and would renew our friendship every summer. We both worked the whole summer at camp in 2000 and our friendship has been a comfortable one since then. We see each other about once a year, despite our best efforts, but each time I see him I go away with joy in my heart. He is a FUNNY guy and because of that I'm funny as well which makes me feel good. We went to a Mariner's game. My seats are great seats thanks to Uncle Kit. I never complain about them. This time however, Chris had some friends who were sitting in the second row in the same section as us. Second row vs. seventeenth row is quite a difference. About the 6th inning the guys made two seats open up and had us come down to join them. I never in a million years would have thought I would sit second row at Safeco field. It was sort of like I was in this weird dream. I know it seems silly but you have to remember - I started going to games in the Kingdome with my great grandpa when I was a kid. We always sat upper deck and I would pray that I would get picked to go down on the field when everyone else got injured. As long as I can remember I've loved the Mariners. It's as much a part of me as anything else. It's definitely how I've held on to the special relationship I had with Grandpa James since he passed away. I think about him every time I walk into Safeco Field and think about how much he would have loved to have seen a game there.

I remember cheering for Ken Griffey Jr with Grandpa when he first started playing with the Mariners. When Chris and I first sat down in the second row Griffey was at the top of the dug out steps and he turned around and looked in our direction. I've always told myself if I was in a situation where I could meet the players again I would act "cool". When I met Dan Wilson I couldn't talk and when I met Freddy Garcia I was a smarta**. I had determined with myself that I would be somewhere in between those extremes if I ever had an opportunity again. So when Griffey and I made eye contact I put my hand up and waved to him - not really what I would have planned but whatever - and he nodded at me. I turned to Chris and must have had the funniest expression on my face because he started laughing and asked what was going on. I told him and the other guys that Griffey had nodded at me and they all started cheering and high-fiving me. Then of course I freaked out, took Chris by the shoulders and shook him telling him - KEN GRIFFEY JR NODDED AT ME!!!!!! I became the lame fan again but you know what, I'm ok with that. We got to hear Ichiro talk, in perfect English mind you, to Mark Lowe about his performance and I was "this close" to Russel Branyon who doesn't know it but is going to marry me someday. It is a night I won't forget.

After a week where I was mired down in mourning my weekend gave me a quick jolt into the reality of joy and hope. I'm looking forward to a week at Hayden Lake with my family next week and coming back rested and ready to finish up the summer strong. Isn't life remarkable?

Dr. Jack Fowler January 31, 1922 - July 27, 2009

2009-08-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed away a little over a week ago. It didn't really hit me until I was in Spokane for the funeral earlier this week. My cousin Joe and I kept saying that we expected him to come out of the living room from taking a nap on the couch to bark at us "kids". Deb and I both agreed the best term for him was feisty. (both his bark and his feistyness were good things) He was my dad's step dad. He and my grandma got married when my dad was in high school and were married for 43 years. I will always remember him for his habit of eating his napkin at the end of a meal and the time in high school when my friend Kristen and I went to visit him and grandma and we were eating spaghetti. I looked over at grandpa and he had a mouth full of noodles hanging out of his mouth. I started to giggle and grandma, who is ever so proper, gave him the stink eye. He immediately put the noodles in his hand and ate them from there - with his hand over his mouth. He had a dry sense of humor that was right up my alley and I think tried to act more gruff than he ever was. He had three biological kids and three step kids, twelve grand kids and twelve great grand kids.

I didn't realize how much I would miss him until this week.

From the Spokesman Review:

Jack Fowler put inspiration to work
Flying dentist who envisioned ski area dies at 87

Where some might have seen a long commute to work, Fowler saw a chance to fly one of his beloved classic biplanes. Where some might have seen hazard, flying into the Guatemalan jungle, Fowler saw a chance to help people with no dental care.

And in 1960, where many people had seen a mountain basin above Sandpoint, Fowler saw the perfect spot for a ski resort. Almost half a century later, the little ski area he helped establish – Schweitzer Mountain Resort – has become a regional landmark and one of the country’s top ski destinations.

“He just always had a new thought,” said Debbie Huestis, Fowler’s stepdaughter. “He was such a visionary, and he would apply the passions of his life – whether it was skiing or flying or dentistry – to make that happen.”

Fowler, 87, died early Monday, surrounded by family and loved ones at his home near Marshall. He died two weeks after being diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer that had spread through his body, Huestis said.

His family remembered him as a man with a hunger for adventure and a desire to help others, a practical man who worked constantly and deflected attention.

“He had absolutely no ego,” said his wife, Dorothy Fowler, 83. “He would be the first one to correct you if you started bragging about him.”

The story of Fowler’s inspiration to create Schweitzer has become a part of the ski hill’s lore and was recounted in the book, “Looking Back on Schweitzer.”

Driving back with his family from a miserable ski trip to Montana one day in 1960, Fowler stopped in Hope, Idaho, for a break. There, rising above Sandpoint, was a snow-packed mountain basin – the ideal place, he thought, for a ski hill a little closer to home.

For three years, he worked with others to promote the idea and raise money. The hill opened in 1963, with a single chairlift and a rope tow. He later sold his stock in the ski hill, though he returned with his family often – most recently in January.

Schweitzer is now owned by Harbor Properties Inc., and it includes a lodge village, 2,900 acres of terrain and 10 lifts, and is regularly included on lists of the best destination resorts.

“He just couldn’t believe it; he never envisioned it being that huge,” Dorothy Fowler said. “He’d just scratch his head. … The thing that amazed him is people building million-dollar homes up there.”

Born on a farm south of Spokane in 1922, Fowler went to military dental school, served in the Air Force and opened a dentistry practice in the Spokane Valley in 1949. He became a pilot in 1960, and flying – along with building and restoring airplanes – became one of his life’s passions.

He frequently flew between his office near Felts Field and the family home near Marshall. “They ended up calling him the flying dentist,” Huestis said.

He rebuilt nine planes and built one for his wife, who became a pilot the year after they married in 1966. During the 1970s, they flew to Guatemala frequently to perform dentistry for people without access to medical care.

Fowler encouraged and supported his wife’s sculpture – and she’s become widely known for her work in bronze. Her sculpture of Spokane native Michael Anderson, who died in the explosion of the space shuttle Columbia, stands near the Spokane Convention Center.

“They were such an inseparable team with every single aspect of their life,” Huestis said. “It was never just one person accomplishing something. It was always both of them.”

Jack and Dorothy Fowler had six children, 12 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren.

“He always loved a challenge,” his wife said. “He’d get things done. There was no ‘no’ in anything.”

No words necessary

2009-07-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

My City of Ruins

2009-07-23T15:54:00.001-07:00

This song hit me today. Springsteen wrote it for 9/11 but really I think it fits our world. What have you done about it today?

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As a side note - whenever I hear Springsteen I think of being 10 years old, mirrored sunglasses on, standing on a chair in the kitchen on Lord Hill with a fake microphone in hand singing Born in the USA at the top of my lungs. I should find that picture.

Oh those Summer Nights

2009-07-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about having a dog has been the excuse to get out and walk. I've always liked walking but have felt I should run rather than walk when I have the opportunity. I don't enjoy running (but do it because I feel like I should) so my runs generally are not that long. OK - I've run for over an hour before but that's pretty rare.

Anyway, now with Moxie I walk twice a day every day. We take a quick 20 minute walk in the morning and walk for 45 minutes to an hour in the evening when I am home for that long. Last night I got home and had to leave again for dinner with Adrienne, Molly, Erin and Adrienne's mom Linda so I didn't take Moxie for a walk. It was 90 degrees here in Seattle yesterday so it was too hot for her to enjoy a walk anyway so I didn't feel my usually large amounts of guilt putting her back in her cool dark kennel.

It was nice to have dinner with A. She leaves today and I'm very sad to see her go. Even though I didn't really see her in the last week it has been nice just knowing she was hanging out somewhere in the same state. I desperately miss her when she is gone. So it was with sadness that I headed home after dinner last night, having said goodbye until November at the soonest.

When I got home Moxie was anxious as always to greet me. I grabbed her leash and we headed out. It was after 9:00 pm so it was getting darkish but it was still in the upper 70s so everyone around had their windows open. My neighborhood is pretty nice. We all live very close to each other but compared to what it could be, it's pretty quiet and people are pretty nice to be around. I would ideally choose 5 acres with a couple head of Black Angus Cattle but for where I am in life right now this will do. I didn't know any of my neighbors at all until Moxie came on the scene. Now I know far more and we get stopped often on our walks because people want to say hi. I know it's more Moxie's popularity than mine but it is nice to know people.

I don't ever take my Ipod and I try not to talk on the phone too often during Moxie and my walks. I figure this is her time with me and it isn't fair to get distracted but it also has greatly increased my ability to observe and take in what we are seeing which I have enjoyed. Last night with everyone's windows and doors open it was a pretty neat walk. It's interesting how everyone does different things in their homes - there were radios playing, kids laughing and crying, TVs on, dinner dishes being washed and conversations being had. There was something intimate about the falling darkness and the quiet murmurings and other sounds from the homes around us.

Obviously, in all of this I was an outsider but strangely it didn't feel like it. It felt like during the moment I passed each house I was brought into that family's day. Like we truly were neighbors.

It stilled my sadness and made me feel like I was home.

Waiting on God

2009-07-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm leading Bible study on August 8th and I'm supposed to talk about finding God's will in my life. I've decided I want to talk about waiting on God - those times we all have that can be scary, frustrating and growth giving as we try to discern God's will for our lives.

I have some initial thoughts but would love some anecdotes to share from others lives. So those of you not part of Acts 2:42 Fellowship (formerly known as YAG) do you have any insight? Any gems I should share to start conversation? Those of you in A2:42 now is your time to start thinking. I expect you all to be well prepared for me on the 8th!

Thanks for the insights.

Dating Tips

2009-07-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me very well knows I love Rachel Ray. (One time someone told me I remind them of her - talk about a well landed complement!) I found this on her website today and it cracked me up. Good tips but still funny what she thinks is important to remind guys. Are they really this inept?

date night rules
Dos
• Take down photos of old girlfriends. Turn off your computer and the ringer on your cell phone. (Internet chat partners and your buddies can wait a few hours.)
• Always serve her first. If you burned the food, serve yourself the portion that is the most "well done."
• Fill the wineglasses half full (or half empty, depending on how you feel the dinner is going).
• Walk her out at the end of the evening—provided, of course, she does walk out at the end of the evening.

Don'ts
• Don't talk with your mouth full of food. Don't chew with your mouth open. And, most importantly, don't talk with your mouth closed.
• Don't do the dishes while she's there. You can take care of them next week.
• Don't let her do the dishes, even if she insists. Unless, of course, she's stronger than you are. And don't ask her to do the dishes. Especially if she's stronger than you are.
• If she excuses herself to go to the restroom, don't offer her a magazine.

Reality Check and what I SHOULD have done about it

2009-07-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

I complain sometimes (not ALL the time I hope since I like to think of myself as a glass is half full kind of girl) that my work is hard. Emotionally it's difficult. Mentally it's difficult. After last week which was one of the worst work weeks I have had for a while I started asking myself (again) the question of "can I fight with people for a living for the rest of my working life"? I'm not certain I will. The alternative however, is not as clear.

It was only a four day week and I got to spend the three day weekend in one of my favorite places in Washington State - Chelan.

I came back tired but recharged and felt as though I could take on what I figured would be another tough week. Monday and Tuesday were about what I expected but Wednesday was a lot easier than I had planned. As I was leaving the courthouse after my hearing (where opposing counsel didn't yell profanities at me like he did last week - that's moving in the right direction) I heard a commotion near one of the entrances. A woman was in hysterics and was crying and out of control with what I figured out eventually was panic. She had a small child and a service dog with her and the Marshalls and security personnel were assisting her in calming down in a friendly and helpful if not compassionate manner. It made me slow my step a bit to see what was going on because compassion (unless it is protection of me. THANK YOU SNOHOMISH COUNTY MARSHALLS!!!) isn't normally something you see from courthouse personnel.

What I pieced together was this woman had been on the bus and she had $300 cash on her somewhere and the cash disappeared. I don't know what the money was for but it very clearly was enough to send her into a serious spiral so it evidently was important. My heart totally broke for her. Her daughter was watching her and was clearly scared. People around her didn't know how to help her. I didn't either so I walked by.

It made me realize that my life is pretty cushy. Sure, I work hard and I worked hard to get to where I am and misplacing $300 would be very upsetting, but I also know this woman's difficulties were far greater than anything I can really imagine for myself at this point in my life. I looked at the rest of my day in a far different way.

In hindsight I wish I would have stopped and given her the money. It would have been a sacrifice for me to do it but it would have put the woman's world back upright. Who knows what that act would have meant to her. I feel really bad now that it was only in reflecting on her desperation that the idea crosses my mind. I wish I could turn back the clock and fix the problem for her.

Today I'm on the lookout for a way to correct my miscue. Jesus told us that when we ignored the poor and the hungry we basically were ignoring him. I did that yesterday and I know better. Clearly I need to focus on remembering what we have been commissioned to do for our fellow man.

Small Blessings

2009-06-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Today I experienced one of those small blessings that you have to appreciate because of the help they give you in your life. On my way home for lunch I had to stop suddenly to avoid a construction vehicle that figured it could cut in front of me even though it was driving at about 1/3 of my speed (grumble grumble). I didn’t think anything of it except that it was annoying.

When I got back into my car after lunch it smelled like I had left a piece of fruit in my car which had heated up from the sun during the 45 minutes or so that I was home. I couldn’t figure it out because I had taken my mango into work with me this morning which was the only fruit I remembered having in my car but Moxie’s hammock was in the backseat so I just figured it must have had something to do with it.

As I pulled into the parking lot at work it suddenly hit me that it smelled like fermented grapes – aka wine. Then it hit me even harder that I had four magnum sized bottles of wine in my trunk that I was returning to Rotary this evening. Suddenly, panic ensued and I began to sweat. Anyone who knows me knows my vehicles are sort of my babies. I still own and protect my first vehicle – a 1989 Jeep Cherokee with over 200,000 miles on it named Babe, and I love my Volvo, Lucy Lou, just because I do. It’s my dad in me and it will never change.

Anyway, I quickly did inventory in my mind of what kinds of wine were in the box and I realized there were three reds and one white. I began praying frantically that it was a white that broke. It would still take some cleaning but at least it wouldn’t cause a stain. I knew it wasn’t likely given the odds but I asked God to have had a hand in it. It seems like a minor thing but when your life is a little on the edge (as an example I just got rid of a 5 day headache which I’m pretty sure was at least partially stress induced) having a huge red wine stain in the trunk is not something you need. I opened the trunk with one eye open and thank you Lord – it was the white!!!

Just writing this here makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

We are so lucky to have a God who blesses us – even in the little stuff.

For My Love

2009-06-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

I’ve loved Bethany Dillon for a number of years now. I was surprised to be reminded that her first album came out in 2004 but reflecting back on my life that makes sense with what was going on at the time I fell in love with it. She was 15 at the time but yet still seemed to hit a spot in my heart that caused me to relate to her music in a profound way.

Lately, a lot of my single women friends and I have been talking about our desires to be pursued by a man who could or has fallen in love with us. For some reason, God has placed a desire in our heart for that pursuit – and I think if men where to truly listen to the longings of their hearts they would realize they wish to be the pursuers.

It’s frustrating when time and time again we see that pursuit fail. So many men in this world are afraid to be men and to take the risk that is involved to pursue something or someone who they admire. It is a source of utmost frustration for many (frankly all) single women in my life. Where are the men who are able to truly be the men God has created them to be? Why are we stuck on the side wishing they would step up? Call us old fashioned, call us backward – maybe we are in this world. But my Christian women friends don’t want to live as though we are part of this world. We want to live in a way that we reflect what God has created us to be, and part of that is a submissive wife. I know many people reading this cringe at the word “submissive” and to be honest, it’s a mite bit hard for me to type. But submission doesn’t mean insignificant or inferior. It means treasured, honored and honoring. I want to respect my husband more than anything else and I want him to love me more than anything else. That’s all any of us are looking for – but to get there one must be pursued.

The song For My Love by Bethany Dillon came on while my dad and I were working around my house yesterday and I was reminded of something I read about the song when it first came out. Thankfully I was able to find it again. I had this taped to my mirror for a long time and I think it’s time to put it back up there again as a reminder of what I truly long for. I love that she not only says she longs to be pursued but that she longs to be RECKLESSLY pursued. That is the sign of a true man. Someday, I know God will bless me with a man who will see the value in me and will not be able to pass it up. I pray the same for all of my single women friends as we struggle through this time of questioning and frustration.

I love each of you and know God has the best planned for you. I can’t wait to see what exactly that is.

For My Love From an Interview with Bethany Dillon - It’s deeply rooted in every woman- the question; do I stand out in a crowd? The vision of someone walking across a room and asking me to dance plays over and over in my mind; out of the whole room, I was chosen. I’ll be honest, I’m fifteen, I have crushes. But more than whimsical feelings and fickle emotion, I really do want to be fought for. I long to be recklessly pursued. I’m looking for true love, something honest and untainted, with no hidden agenda but that it wants to chase after me.

I love Psalm 45: Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your homeland far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty.

That’s it! That’s what every chick flick revolves around, that’s what every romance novel is written about, those are the exact words that made me want to be a princess when I was younger. The sad reality is, though, that women often aren’t validated and reassured that they’re worth that kind of affection. It scars us in the deepest places and causes us to cover our mouths when we smile and hide who we truly are. But, that’s what I love about Jesus. He’s a husband to the widow, the freer of a captive heart.

Seattle spring mornings

2009-05-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

Everyone is asked a time or two in their lives about their favorite time of year. I always unequivocally say it is Spring - in Seattle. In MN it was Fall. But in Seattle, despite the rain, it doesn't get any better in my mind. The trees and flowers blooming are out of this world. You actually get to see everything around you wake up. Yesterday was a crazy weather day here. We had beautiful weather for the four days or so before but then a storm blew in. It was a storm that isn't typical in the Pacific Northwest in that it included thunder and lightening. It was nothing like a Midwest thunder and lightening show (yes, it is more of a show than a storm back there) but it was fun anyway. I had a day at home and was happy for the deluge because it gave me an excuse to be in the house getting stuff done and taking care of my mental state. This morning when I walked out the door to take Moxie out I was hit by the beauty of the morning. The storm had passed, the sun was out, the air was cool, not cold, and so clean. It made me want to grab my cup of coffee and sit on the porch for an hour or two.

It's sort of an interesting metaphor for life really and that's why I like Spring so much I think. You go through the storms of winter where you are whipped around and jumping at loud and unnerving sounds but then the storm blows through and what you are left with is a crisp, beautiful, new day.

Moxie's First Hike

2009-05-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have a Minnesota trip to write about but I had to share my last weekend because it can be quick and MN won't be. Jon, Jeanette, Theresa and I took Moxie on her first hike. I figured she would go maybe half an hour and then be tired but she made it a full three miles (with very minimal carrying from me)!! I was SUPER impressed and relieved since I was beginning to wonder if she would be a hiker like I hoped she would be. I know she is only 15 weeks but I'm impatient! :) The hike was flat and shaded, two very important factors, but we are heading in the right direction. She is a total trooper.

Colorado March 2009

2009-04-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

I had never been to Colorado but thought it was a state I could really like so I was excited to go visit Adrienne for more reasons than just missing her to death. I got to Denver on Saturday afternoon and we headed up to Estes Park. It was a beautiful drive up there with a ton of bikers. I was amazed at the numbers. I kept asking Adrienne – where are they all going? I guess they were probably headed up to Rocky National Park or just enjoying the gorgeous drive up to Estes Park. Either way, I was definitely jealous of them. The weather was perfect for cycling and the scenery, though quite brown, was beautiful.

Estes Park is a very interesting town. It isn’t very big but it is on the edge of the Rocky National Park where I would love to go back and camp with Adrienne sometime. We had lunch at the famous Stanley Hotel which was the inspiration for the hotel in The Shining and used in Dumb and Dumber. Adrienne really likes salad with seven lemons.

After lunch we shopped a little downtown and then headed back to Denver where we met up with Dana, Brady and the cutest little twins you’ve ever seen, Frannie and Wenona. We stole Dana away and the three of us went out and got some drinks in downtown Denver. I really enjoyed seeing Denver and we went to some great places but I mostly enjoyed getting to know Dana. She is someone who is really close to Adrienne and has been for a long time and to not know her has seemed weird. I was very glad we had the chance to spend some time together, laugh and also have a chance to get a feel for Denver itself. Dana and Adrienne found their new favorite club and I’m pretty sure they have been regulars there since I left. What was the name of it again? The 316 Club or something? From the looks of the bouncers and the people going in and out they would most definitely fit in.

On Sunday morning Adrienne and I went to her church and then went to Garden of the Gods. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and my pasty white skin was so excited to see the sunshine. Garden of the Gods is an amazingly beautiful park which was given to the city of Colorado Springs. The rock formations are incredible and Adrienne and I enjoyed the opportunity to be outside in the sunshine enjoying the beautiful place she lives. Thank goodness we did too because there were a few rocks that were about to topple over. Don’t worry, we got them set back upright.

After Garden of the Gods we decided we hadn’t hiked quite enough so we went to Palmer Park and walked around where we got great views of Colorado Springs and surrounding areas. There were these weird plants that were growing up there that are supposed to bloom sometime in the near future. I’m super curious what they are going to look like so Adrienne, this is a reminder to go back up there and take some pictures for me!

After our walk at Palmer Park we went downtown Colorado Springs and had happy hour at a local brewery. Darn I forget the name of it. Anyway, we sat outside and people watched and listened to these crazy people behind us who insisted on talking to me when Adrienne went to the bathroom. While there of course Santa Claus drove by in his red VW Beetle. Oh don’t worry, Mrs. Claus was in the passenger seat brushing his beard. That wasn’t weird or anything.

On Monday we woke up to far different weather. We had reservations to go to the top of Pike’s Peak on the COG so we headed over to Old Colorado Springs where the COG is located but when we got there they informed us that due to blizzard conditions at the top of Pike’s Peak we couldn’t go all the way to the top. We went up anyway to about 13,000 feet, instead of 14,000, and still had amazing views and learned some interesting things about the history of the area. I really enjoyed getting more of a bird’s eye view of the valley. I want to go back at a time when they have the crazy car race to the top. I think that would really be something to see.

After we came down the mountain we shopped in Old Colorado Springs. From there we went to on a short hike up near these falls (Helen Hunt Falls) because we were hoping to find the super sneaky backway into Seven Falls. We didn't find it but we got to see some pretty waterfalls.

Then we went to the Broadmore which is this georgous hotel where Adriemme is going to get married to her Sugar Daddy someday. We walked through the grounds, around the lake, looked at the swans, shopped for Adrienne's wedding dress, you know - all the normal stuff. :) They were putting out spring flowers and it was beautiful.

From there we went to the Air Force Academy to see the chapel. The chapel is amazing. It’s size alone is overwhelming but the stained glass throughout makes it a beautiful piece of architecture. The school was on spring break so there were no cute military guys around but I guess that’s ok since I would be almost 10 years older than even the oldest now. I’m getting old.

Oh, one more thing – remember how I mentioned the beautiful day on Sunday. It was in the 70s and sunny I think. When we came out of the chapel it was snowing. Less than 24 hours later – snowing. I guess that’s Colorado for you.

That night we had the best ribs I’ve ever had and enjoyed watching this dad with his adorable daughter. She had Down’s Syndrome and to watch them together as he helped her eat copious amounts of chili was great. We had done so much we were both tired so we went to a movie and then called it a day. Phew.

My last day was of course full of fun as well. We went and looked at some townhomes one of which Adrienne actually ended up purchasing (YAY!!!) and then we went to the Olympic Training Facility and took a tour. I always forget just how long an Olympic length pool is. Being there made me wish I had the drive and skill to be an Olympic athlete. Their lives are pretty incredible.

Oh course our adventure and activity packed weekend would not have been complete without some airport drama. I arrived at the airport at 3:50 thinking my flight was at 4:45. Nope – 4:15. So I started running. I figured there was no way I was going to get through security, ride a train and make it to my gate in half an hour. Let me tell you, running at altitude was not the easiest thing I have ever done – although I didn’t even notice until I got on the plane and had to gasp for air. It was a new experience to be running through a gigantic airport with my name being paged as a “last call”. Thankfully, I knew there was another flight or two that night, although I didn’t know seat availability, so I wasn’t TOO worried but I still wanted to make it. I slid to a stop in the plane, they closed the doors and off we went.

I told you I was missing Adrienne. Subconsciously, I wanted every moment I could get with her!

Why I wish I was a cat

2009-04-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

I love the sun. I love to sleep. I should've been a cat.

(Before I walked over to take this picture her head was down on the couch and I'm pretty sure her tongue was slightly out)

Introducing...... MOXIE!

2009-03-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well, the long wait has finally ended. It's official - "little green girl" is coming to live with me on April 8th. I set up babygates (thanks Nate and Alicea!!) and have been talking a lot to Tessie about her new sister and how they are going to be the best of friends and that Tessie had better be nice, etc etc. Crates and food bowls have been purchased and borrowed. Sleeping situations have been discussed and decided upon. I think I'm ready. I hope this isn't more than I've bargained for.

Devin the Donut

2009-03-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm probably the world's proudest Auntie. I brag about Keith and Kelly all the time. Not having kids of my own, they are the closest I come. Keith is a twelve year old and in his first year of middle school. He has always had a heart for God. In fact, when he was much younger he used to say he wanted to be a veterinarian or a prophet when he grew up. haha His parents have done a wonderful job keeping him grounded and he still has a heart for Jesus. I wouldn't be surprised if I listened to him preach someday.

Yesterday he sent me a story he had to write for school. It is below. (Don't worry, he gave me permission to put it on here) He has the best heart and I love him. Good job kiddo!

Keith Hyle
3/17/09
LA
Final Draft
“The Living Donut”

Devin the donut was backing up by the minute. Alex the human licked his lips thinking oh what a yummy donut. But Devin remembering the secret passage leaped to the wall. He pushed the button and down he fell. Devin landed in his house amazing he thought.
His mom entered saying “Where have you been?”
“O come on mom I was just having fun,” Devin said.
“Well go downstairs to your room and read your Bible,” his mom said. Devin then slumped downstairs and got in his bed. He pulled out his Bible and began to read. He turned to Romans 5:8. It went like this but God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
“Well that has all truth to it,” Devin said closing his Bible. The next day Devin was strolling down the sidewalk. While Alex was sneaking around looking to pound Devin to a pulp. Alex was thinking to himself I am going to eat that donut so fast he will not know what hit him.
“HAHAHAHA” Alex Laughed.
Devin was thinking the same thing. But then he remembered a Bible verse Matthew 5:44Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
“Well I guess I will stop thinking about beating Alex the human up,” Devin was saying.
Then Alex came around a corner and saw Devin. “Ok before you beat me up let me ask you a few things,” Devin exclaimed.
“Oh ok,” Alex mumbled.
“Would you consider yourself to be a good person?”
“Why Yes! I would,” Alex exclaimed.
“Do you think you have kept the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes I always do,” Alex said.
“Ok have you ever lied?”
“Yes”
“What would that make you?”
“A liar,” Alex said suspiciously.
“Have you ever stolen something?”
“Umm yes,” said Alex.
“Now that would make you a thief. Have you ever said God’s Name in vain.”
“Yeah So I guess I am not a very good person,” Alex said thinking to himself.
“So would you be innocent our guilty on judgment day?” Devin asked.
“Well I guess I would be guilty”
“Would you go to heaven or hell?”
Alex thought a moment and then said “hell”
“Does that concern you?” Devin asked.
"Umm, Yes! it does,” Alex said.
“Do you know what God did so you don’t have to go there?”
“No, what did he do?”
“God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross. He died put our sins (all sins) on him and rose three days later. And all you have to do is Repent (turn from sins) and put your faith and trust in Christ Jesus. Do you have a Bible at home?” Devin asked.
“Yes, I do” Alex said.
“Well take time to read it,” Devin said happily.
They waved and walked away and never fought again.

PUPPIES!!!!!

2009-02-27T14:30:00.001-08:00

I got to go visit the puppies again this afternoon. They are now 2 days shy of a month old and are growing leeps and bounds. They have a bunch of curly soft hair and their momma is as sweet as ever. I'm still not sure which one is mine. Enjoy the pics!

TESSIE! How did YOU get in here. heehee

California February 14-17, 2009

2009-02-25T15:18:00.000-08:00

Since I get the puppy in only about a month I decided I needed to get some of my travel bugs out of the way – California in February, Colorado in March and Minnesota in April. I’m excited to see all of my friends who I miss so much.

It was so great to see Dan as an added bonus to my California trip this year. He was kind enough to pick me up at the airport so Sarah didn’t have to cut her date short so we had some time to visit just the two of us and of course the drunk birthday girl Ashley. What would a dive bar with karaoke be without her? I told Dan he should take her home but he only had eyes for me. hahaha Other than the guy on the plane who insisted on taking advantage of Southwest airlines free Vodka drinks on Valentine's Day Daniel I didn't think at all about it being a day I frankly don't enjoy. It was a nice change from years passed.

And yes - the cheesy pose is on purpose. Nothing like making fun of things when you can.

Oh AND I’m so happy to announce that a Coke commercial Dan worked on called “Meanwhile” just won the right to be played in various theatres across the country during “the 20” I believe. Make sure to notice the popcorn. That’s Dan’s beautiful creation.

On Sunday Sarah and I went up to Santa Barbra and did some wine tasting. As I have ashamedly mentioned on here before I have been a fan of The Bachelor for some time (although given what I’m hearing about this season it might be my last) and that includes if not totally started with Andrew Firestone. I’ve also always liked their wines. Their winery and brewery are in the valley north of Santa Barbra although it turns out the family fairly recently sold the winery. It was gorgeous up there. We tasted wines at Curtis Winery, Firestone and Fess Parker. Fess Parker, for those of you in my generation, was the guy who played Davey Crocket in the TV series. I guess he owns a lodge near his winery and you can often see him there. We went on a tour at Firestone which is where many of these pictures were taken. It was a beautiful day and such a great time to catch up with Sarah.

Later that day Sarah took me down to Huntington Beach and I spent the remainder of the weekend with Erin. Oh and Daniel too. Erin had a birthday on Monday so she picked the agenda and we just spent the day laughing, watching movies, shopping – oh and of course eating a whole pan of lemon bars. It was her birthday! What do you expect?

That evening a group of Erin and Daniel’s friends met at Duke’s. Erin didn’t know to expect as many people as showed up and it was fun to watch her confusion as she tried to figure out if she was supposed to know certain people were coming. I hadn’t seen the gang since the wedding so it was nice to see the old faces and some new ones as well. I was very glad I got to be there to celebrate Erin’s birthday with her.

On Tuesday I had to go home, sadly, but first Erin and I went on a hike. It was gorgeous and I loved being able to see the ocean with the sun shining on it. It definitely gave me the bug to get out again. I’m ready to shake off winter and head into spring – my favorite time of year.

AND just so you know – I found out I for sure get a puppy. I don’t know if it is a boy or a girl yet but I will keep you posted. I get to check in on them on Friday so I’ll take my camera and get some pictures to post.

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-06T12:37:00.001-08:00

This movie opens today and I had no plans or desire to see it. I read the book and frankly found it quite depressing and made me lose faith in the dating process in general. However, I just found this on www.ihategreenbeans.com which I usually only read for the bachelor recaps and I might go see if now. If the movie is as funny as this "advertisement" it would be worth it.

Blessed Be the Peace Keepers (I hope)

2009-02-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

I am constantly in the midst of figuring myself out. I don’t know if that ever stops in life but right now, early on in my 30s, it is a serious quest. I had a realization about myself about two weeks ago: I’m a peace keeper. Who would have thought? My profession causes me to fight a lot of battles daily but really, I work extremely hard to make things amicable. I settle cases. I am admittedly and proudly not a “bull dog”. The fact that I am proud to admit this to potential clients probably causes me to lose a few here and there but you know, you can’t be what you aren’t. It’s better for them to have no misconceptions at the get go.

I’ve realized that there are times when I take it in the teeth so to speak to keep things from going from bad to worse or fine to bad. I’m not sure what it is that makes me decide to handle things in that way but it always ends with me having a knot in my stomach. Recently, I had to do this twice over the same situation. It was a situation where rather than inflame the situation I stood quiet and just felt bad but did what I thought would allow the other person to feel better. Then about a week after that occurred I spent some time with a friend who I often have to bite my tongue around so as not to show that my feelings were hurt and to allow them to feel better about themselves.

It’s sort of hard.

I don’t know what it is that makes me feel that it is an acceptable way to be in relationship with people. I would hope that if I hurt your feelings at some point you would tell me without hesitation so I can apologize and fix the behavior. I don’t know why I don’t allow myself to realize other people might feel the same way.

And actually, in hindsight this behavior started back in high school. For example, I can’t tell you how many times I had a “crush” on a boy and I would tell one friend or another about it and the next thing I knew they were “dating” him. It was like by giving him my stamp of approval it was time for that friend to swoop in and do something about. Sure it was my fault for being shy or wanting the boy to want me and pursue me (that shortcoming – if it is one - continues to this day) but I always swallowed my feelings and justified it to myself that at least two out of three people were happy in the situation. If I did anything about it then three out of three people would be sad. Actually, come to think of it – it happened in college too. Ick.

So I’m turning over a new leaf. I’m not going to allow myself to feel bad at the benefit of other people anymore. I’m still going to be tactful and careful and kind but I’m going to start telling people when they hurt my feelings and when I feel their behavior is hurtful. Hopefully, it will lead to accountability for me as well as my friends return the favor.

But now I have a favor to ask of you, my friends. If you become one of those friends who are told that my feelings were hurt by your behavior please take it as nothing but an attempt to make myself better as a person and our relationship stronger by not allowing my feelings to be hurt to no one’s benefit. You have to know that I feel our friendship is strong enough for me to tell you in the first place and my actions are not with the intent to hurt you but rather filled with the I hope we will become better friends because of it. Maybe in reality keeping the peace doesn’t do anyone any favors after all.

PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY

2009-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a Bernese Moutain Dog puppy and it is supposed to be born next week. I won't know for sure until then that I am getting one but I am beyond excited at the prospect. Besides if it doesn't happen with this litter there is another one coming this fall.

I'm stuggling with a name for the puppy if it is a girl. It needs to be a city name, that's the litter's "theme", and I have too many really that I could potentially like. I've created a survey that is linked to here. Click Here to take survey Please take a minute to give me your feedback. I'll let you know the final results of and course will have picutres!

Thanks!

The young and the old

2009-01-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Last week I was pushing myself somehow through an incredibly long and tiring week and I hit Wednesday. Wednesday nights are basketball nights. I get to coach the best group of 3rd grade girls I have ever met. So, we haven’t won a game but we sure have fun doing it.

I was stressed when I showed up at practice this week. I was beyond exhausted and knew I had a couple of big days left ahead of me in the week and the last thing I wanted to do was be in the noisy Boys and Girls Club trying to be heard over the din. About five minutes into being there I was suddenly rejuvenated. I was running with the girls and they were daring me to do things and then when I couldn’t (or didn’t on purpose but that’s between you and me) they had me doing pushups, while sitting on my back. (Thank goodness for Shaun and her obsession with making me do pushups!)

By the end I left totally energized and in a fit of laughter at Kate and Katie’s offer to charge me an arm and a leg for a drawing that Katie was going to make. Oh, and Kate who was doing the wheeling and dealing was planning to keep the profits for herself even though she was doing none of the work. They are hilarious and I would say Kate is going to be quite an entrepreneur when she grows up. “Someone and Somebody” as I have taken to calling them during practice. They answer to it too. ha

Later in the week I had a Rotary function where I spent some time with people on the other end of the age spectrum. This group of people, while more straight faced for the most part, are also rejuvenating to the soul. You can learn a lot from people who have been on the planet longer than you have and I think they look at me in the way I look at my 3rd graders. Anyway, I again walked away from that event feeling rejuvenated and ready to somehow finish the week.

I relearned an important lesson last week. I learned it’s important to remember we all need balance in our lives in every way. Balance in rest, work and play. Balance in teaching and in learning. Balance in leading and in following. Balance in letting go and in holding on. Without that, we’ll get out of synch and things just don’t go as well.

If you’re interested in catching a Shooting All Stars game and are in the Seattle area we have games at 11 the next three Saturdays at the Alderwood Boys and Girls Club. Let me know. We would love to see you there. Watch out though “Somebody” might charge admission.

Extrovert? Introvert?

2009-01-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

We all have them – those weeks where you feel so tired you aren’t sure you are going to make it through. The last seven days have been that way for me. Even this last weekend I was tired and couldn’t rest enough to get over it. The last thing I wanted to do last night was drive half an hour to church for Bible study. But I did it anyway. I hadn’t been there for a while because of the holidays and work getting in the way. I’m so glad I did. I didn’t realize that part of my problem was that I had been missing the energy my friends give me. I slipped out quickly at the end to get home and try to get some sleep, which has been disjointed at best for the last week, but I definitely drove away feeling thankful for my extroverted tendencies that allowed me to get energy from my friends at YAG. I’m at work today, tired again, but at least I had a few hours where I felt like my eyes were open and I was able to enjoy some good old fashioned rejuvenating laughter.

White Horse

2009-01-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

Sarah sent this song to me the other day because she said it made her think of me. She is right on. I don't want you to have to suffer through a live Taylor Swift performance - she is NOT good live - so I'm sorry for the cheesy video.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2009-01-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my trusty old Jeep I was able to make it to Spokane for Christmas this year. They have had an incredible amount of snow. I was blessed with two good weather days on the days I planned to travel over and back. They have broken records in snowfall this year and everyone is a bit stir crazy. It was fun for me for five days but I was glad to get back to Seattle where we still had snow but snow which was rapidly vanishing.

Christmas was wonderful. It was a great time to remember why we celebrate and to be thankful for a few days to recharge before the New Year. I spent a bunch of time with my parents (and Maddie, their Newfie pup) and my sister and her family and even had a day where I didn’t do anything but read a book and take a nap. I know, lazy, but I was tired.

New Years Eve, as any of you who are long time readers should know, is not my favorite holiday. This year Adrienne was in town from Colorado and we went to a party at Jeff and Julie’s place. It started with me in bed about half an hour before we had to go, lamenting to Adrienne that I didn’t want to go, but ended with a wonderful time with some wonderful friends as it always does.

I always try to make some New Years resolutions. I have two this year but one of them I have forgotten already so I guess it is out the window. Anyway, the one I can remember is that I want to see more of Washington State this year. I don’t know how long I will live here (maybe forever, maybe not) and I would be very disappointed with myself if I left here feeling like I had missed areas that people always talk about.

I should hopefully be getting a puppy in March/April. I’m hoping to use the dog as an excuse to go places locally. It will be a good hiking dog and I plan to use him or her as an excuse to head over to the Olympic Peninsula for a weekend of camping and hiking or to southern Washington or the coast to do the same.

Ah – I remembered my second resolution. Each year I renew my effort to be home at least one evening a week. With the dog coming this Spring I’m going to have to change that to far more evenings a week or I am going to have to try to find ways to be involved in activities I can bring the dog to. So my second resolution is to be home for dinner two nights a week. That means on those days I will come home and stay home – whether it is on the weekend or the weeknights. It seems like it would be such a simple thing to do and it would be if I wasn’t such an over scheduler.

A lot of people have complained about 2008. 2008 was a good year for me. I feel somewhat settled, fairly secure financially despite the economy and excited to see where endeavors I started in 2008 will lead me in 2009. More than anything though, in 2008 I felt the presence of God in my life. I felt peace in his presence and I had many moments of “resting” in him. 2007 was harder. I felt more distant and as though I was going through tough times on my own. 2008 was a year to feel God’s blessings in my life, big and small and 2009 has already started in that same path. I’m excited to see what God has ahead for me.

Happy New Year my friends. Here’s to 2009.

What a Weekend

2008-12-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

I had one of those weekends that was so wonderful I feel like it couldn’t have really happened. It’s Monday afternoon and I’m starting my last (sort of) full week until Christmas so I know it DID happen but I think I might have dreamed my way through it.

It of course started on Friday. I was relieved the work week was over. They are a little long right now, mostly because of my inability to focus and Friday evening crept slowly into being. Erin got into town at about 10am and it killed me to not be able to immediately meet up with her, but I knew she needed time with her parents and I needed time to recharge myself so I wouldn’t end up starting the week out of sorts. I left work and went for a really nice swim. I did something to my right quad muscle about a week ago so I’ve been being careful with it and swimming, as long as I only do a flutter kick and steer clear of a frog kick, has been a good “rehab” type exercise. It was a very empty and quiet pool and I enjoyed it so much I swam twice as long as I had planned. I sat in the hot tub for a while afterward and enjoyed a conversation with my exboyfriend’s cousin (random) and had a good laugh as we talked about my most stressful moment working for Snohomish County (which he had caused). That stressful moment at the county was also the first and I believe only time, I almost committed a felony. It’s a funny and long story. If you want to hear it I’m happy to tell it. Just ask me sometime.

On Saturday morning I coached my basketball team to our second loss. Well, we can’t win them all and evidently the team we played has played together for a long time. My team is WONDERFUL. I need to get some pictures and post them. They are all third grade girls and they are all so incredibly well behaved it’s a bit amazing. Sometimes I wonder if they are scared of me or something. I don’t think I’m scary……

Anyway, after the game I went and met up with Kirstin and we went downtown for an Argosy cruise. It was the last of my three free cruises that my mom won for me at an auction. It was interesting, not my favorite of the three, but we went down around the industrial shipping yards near the West Seattle Bridge. That portion of Seattle is a bit fascinating to me because I just don’t think about it at all. It’s sort of an afterthought to me. To get up close and personal and learn some of the more interesting facts about the ship yards was really neat. After the cruise we went up to Green Lake and sat for about an hour in Chocolates and had a nice chance to talk and stay warm until we went and met up with Tammy, Grace, Susan, Alec, Ryan and one other girl whose name is escaping me (shoot) for the Green Lake Luminaries. It was beautiful and the snow started to fall as we walked around the lake. Spontaneous caroling broke out around the lake and we stopped and sang along with more organized caroling at times. From choirs to a band of Ukuleles who took “referrals” it was a pretty neat event. There was ample time to visit and enjoy the lights on the houses around the lake. It definitely felt like Christmas.

One of the things Ryan and I talked about as we circled the lake stuck with me into the next day and I’m still sort of pondering it. He told me that on Friday he was working in the pouring down rain and it hit him how it was a bit ridiculous (I think that was the word he used) to be doing what he was doing at that moment. I wish now I had asked him a few more questions about it. I don’t know if he meant that his work was ridiculous, that being out in the weather was or specifically what caused him to have that feeling. I asked some questions but in hindsight still didn’t have the clarification I wished I had gotten. I started thinking about it more on my way home and how there are times in life where you have that moment, we all have them, the moment where you ask yourself “what the heck am I doing”. I think at our age for most of us that question comes when thinking about our careers. They take a lot of time, time that you could be doing something else or working toward a different end. As some of you know I’m at a point where I’m trying to make a change. I currently have an idea about what that change might be but I’m not certain. If not this option then what? I know what I don’t want but figuring what I DO want is a bit more tricky. Sometimes, dealing with people’s stupid petty problems is a bit ridiculous. Having to work within the “rules” established by courts for page limits and time limits and other rules is often ridiculous – especially when you consider sometimes it masks what is truly “justice”. Anyway, I’m nowhere near finished processing this as related to my own life and I wish I had pressed Ryan a bit more about what he meant. Maybe he could have given me some clarification in my own life. If only the answer were simple. The New Year is coming and I have resolutions to make.

This is just one example of the good conversation that happened as we walked around the lake. I walked away feeling blessed by my time catching up with Susan and the time I had with Kirstin throughout the day and then topped off with good conversation about various things (serious and not) around the lake with a group of new friends. It was an amazing few hours.

Saturday night Erin was at my house and we caught up and watched cheesy ABC Family Christmas specials without heckling from Daniel. Sunday we got up and went to Arlington to hunt for a Christmas tree. Since as long as I can remember our families would go there to get a tree for Christmas. There were hayrides and cider and lots of wet years. The farm has changed a bit, there are no hayrides and you have to pay for the cider but the power lines still buzz above and there is still a smoking hot woodstove in the hut. This year we got to go get a tree in the snow. Still wet, but a fun kind of wet. I like to have an excuse to pull my Jeep out of the garage and have her do some work. It makes me think of being in OR and MN. Erin and I were called “burley women” for going on our own to cut down a tree and take it home. I think Erin was offended. I was proud. Ha!

The tree went up and was decorated all while watching Home Alone 1 (and part of 2) and we went to her parents place for dinner. It is so nice to have Erin in town. There is a comfort in “best friends” and my best friends have all scattered overtime so when they come back it is always wonderful. I’m counting the days (4) until Adrienne gets here and the months (3) until Sarah and my baby Jake come visit and the weeks after that (3) until I make a trip to MN to see Jenny, Jodi and Kristen. Not that I don’t have wonderful friends here that I love beyond belief but those who are so far away are missed terribly.

The weekend ended with a little time to read a good book and snuggle Tessie who loves the new tree. I’m hopeful she won’t eat the plastic one in my bedroom any longer now that she has a real one.

Now I’m here at work. It’s frigid outside and I’m counting the days until celebrating the birth of Jesus (9). It will be wonderful to be with my family for 6 days. I’m missing those best friends as well.

This will likely be it until after the holiday for me so I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas. I pray you will feel the warmth of Jesus’ love and the joy of God’s gift as we celebrate the most wonderful Christmas gift of all – the birth of Jesus. Merry Christmas!

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!!

2008-12-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure exactly why but I can almost feel the Christmas spirit in the air this year. Last year at this time I was not in a good place. I was dealing with some really emotional cases at work and some extremely tough stuff in my personal life. I sort of watched Christmas go by from a black hole.

This year I feel like Christmas is oozing out of my pores. I find myself singing Christmas Carols at the top of my lungs in the shower and whistling them throughout the office. I’ve enjoyed my Christmas shopping immensely and haven’t overdone things this year. I feel like I’ve been doing just enough. I’m excited beyond belief for the day to come but at the same time I am enjoying the build up so much I can hardly contain myself.

They are calling for accumulating snow in Seattle this weekend, Erin just got here for a two week visit and we are cutting down a tree (hopefully in the snow) on Sunday. I’m bouncing in my chair just thinking about it. Good thing Adrienne isn’t here yet or I might have just had to call in sick to work for two weeks.

I realized this week that I’m not the only one who is feeling this way. I live close to a major substation for our electric company. I know, not very pretty but it is what it is. Anyway, I was driving by the building on Monday night and noticed a particularly shabby looking tree near the front door. Draped around the tree was a string of Christmas lights. The whole visual was very Charlie Brown’s Christmas and I couldn’t stop grinning. It seems that perhaps the “hard times” this country is battling through has brought out the Christmas spirit in all of us.

Catching Up

2008-12-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

It seems I have some catching up to do. I didn’t realize I had been so busy lately. I’ve had a number of entries floating around but no time to put thought on paper. SO, here is my attempt to catch up. It’s going to be random and all over the place; hold on to your hats.

First of all: I’m officially in my 30s. Scary. I went to my parent’s place for my birthday which happened to fall on a Saturday this year. It was nice to be home since I hadn’t been there since June. I guess I haven’t been a very attentive daughter lately. We had a low key weekend and I got lots of love from my niece, nephew and the rest of my family. I’m lucky to have such an awesome one. I also have wonderful friends who threw me a party at Bucca de Bepo the following Friday. It’s always so wonderful to get together and share a meal with the people in your life you care the most about. Thanks guys for spending a Friday night celebrating!

Second: On November 16th Kirstin, Kim, Laura Belle and I participated in the Winter Pineapple Classic. It is a 5k obstacle course that you compete in as a team of two or four. We had a great time and Sam documented team “Good Dirty Fun” as we climbed over walls, through tubes and over hay bales. Kirstin put together a great collage on her blog. Take a peak.

Third: Thanksgiving – This year there has been a lot of doom and gloom over the state of the world. I think it sort of started to get to me around election time so as Thanksgiving rolled around I found myself wondering what I deep down was thankful for. I was talking to a client the day or so before Thanksgiving. He’s a client that I really like, around my age, pretty personable and we were just chatting a little before getting down to business for the day. I can’t remember specifically what his question to me was, whether it was how are you or something else along those lines but I started to sort of complain about something. About halfway through my sentence though I stopped myself. I said to him “You know J. I’m sitting in a warm office at a job that I am ok with, drinking a hot cup of coffee and having a good conversation so I guess I would say I am doing really well” or something to that effect. The conversation moved on from there and I didn’t think too much of it until the next day or so when I reflected again about what exactly I was thankful for in 2008. Of course, I’m thankful for my family and friends which I am always thankful for. I’m thankful for the country I live in where I can practice religion as I choose and of course that I have a God who loves me even when I screw up. I guess though mostly in 2008 I am thankful for the small things. I’m thankful for my health. I’m thankful I have a house that I’m comfortable in and can afford to heat. I’m thankful I have a cat that is nuts but who is like my second shadow and while I’m not ALWAYS happy at it, I’m thankful that I have a job that is challenging and at times rewarding. I’m thankful for my hot cup of coffee (or two) every morning. That’s an awful lot to be thankful for.

Finally: Worries – I was reminded yet again this week how much God provides for us. I worry about money a lot and it’s something I really should do a better job of letting go of. For some reason money to me is security. Instead, it should be God who is my security. I’m workin’ on it. The end of the year is always a little tighter for me because if I haven’t stuck to my budget closely my bonus money is all but gone. This Christmas I was determined to not have to use my credit cards to buy Christmas gifts. This meant being extremely careful in not only what I spend on Christmas gifts but also what I spend on everyday stuff. Well, payday comes next Monday and I looked at my bank account and realized I was going to be a little short –$30 short to be exact. I didn’t want to tap into my savings and I didn’t want to use my credit card so I was worried about what to do. I started to stress about it which seems stupid but I did – like I said, it is an area I'm working on. Well, yesterday I received a reimbursement check from my work for – you guessed it - $30. My dad is always telling me if we continue to be faithful to God in our giving he will be faithful to us in supporting us when we need it. I do not look at that $30 check as a random coincidence. That check to me was God reaching out and saying – Kristin, I’ve got you. He didn’t over provide for me, he gave me exactly what I needed and that is what he does right? He provides exactly what we need exactly when we need it. How lucky are we to have a God who loves us so much that he takes care of $30 when we need it.

Huh, another thing to be Thankful for.

How I feel today

2008-11-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

After work being too crazy for about six weeks things have really calmed down around here and I am back to being a bit too unoccupied. This gives me too much time to think. Then this song comes on and the day is done for me. I'm not in a funk but I am totally in reflection mode.

Not a good day

2008-11-05T10:47:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was not a good day for me as an American. I heard someone on the radio say this morning that they felt like yesterday was Christmas. I felt like yesterday was a slap in the face. I know many of you probably won’t agree with my politics here but this is how I feel so either bear with me – I’ll be bearing with your decision for the next four years and beyond – or stop reading and come back next time. I promise to write another entry shortly – I already have one brewing.

1) President: I have never hidden the fact that I am a conservative. Now, did I think McCain was the best candidate or the best person I could hope for to be the next in office, no. Did I think he was a better person for office than Obama, yes. Let me explain why. In large part it is financial. OK so there are some human rights issues too and environmental and foreign strength and health care policy and well, the list goes on but for ease of expression I am going to keep this to my financial/economic concerns.

I’m terrified of what his Presidency is going to do to my paycheck. First of all, I understand people go through hard times and sometimes need a hand up. What I am sick and tired of and something I see Obama strengthening is the “hand out”. I get furious when people do not take personal accountability and frankly I am almost as furious about the people who don’t expect it. If you are going to take my tax dollars that I have worked beyond hard for and give them to someone who simply hasn’t done what they need to do to move into a better place then that isn’t right. I’m not the smartest person you will come across in your life but I have worked my butt off to get to the place I am today. And I don’t even make that much money compared to what I am paying to have gotten here and will continue to pay for the next 25 years of my life.

I don’t care what Obama has said in the past 70 years of campaigning, my paycheck will be effected by him being president and having the economic policies which he does. Here’s why: I am a single person with no real tax breaks other than my house which puts me into a fairly high tax bracket. HOWEVER, if you look at what is coming in as income and what is going out to handle debt I am not upper class in fact I barely can be considered middle class. So, I fully expect to begin to pay more of the hand outs to people who haven’t done what they should do to get out of the various positions they are in (sorry if this sounds unsympathetic – frankly I am) which will then make things more difficult for me, causing me to carry their slack. This, I am not ok with.

The second reason I have no doubt I will see an effect in my income level is that I work in a small company (only eleven and one-half employees, no she isn’t half a person, she works part time) that makes over $250,000. I’m sorry but I don’t believe for one fraction of a second that 90% of small business in America make less than that. That’s stupid and anyone who believed that clearly knows nothing of small business. I generally get a pay raise at the end of the year. I would bet all of next year’s paycheck that this December 31st I will get the bonus I have earned through my revenue in 2008 but I will not receive a pay raise, or will receive an insignificant one.

Thanks Obama. Now not only do I have to pay you as the federal government more to give to people who haven’t worked as hard as I have all my life but I also get LESS money to do it with. Awesome.

Oh and just so all of you know - I give from my paycheck in many ways so it isn't like I don't already do a large part to help those who need the help. I would bet the percentage of my paycheck that goes to charitable giving is comparable to most of you reading this. I just want to get that out there, not to brag, but to make clear that I support giving assistance to those in need as God has commanded us to but I would appreciate being able to control where that goes. Now I'm going to have to cut back in areas I feel passionate about giving to because the government is going to reach deeper into my pocket and far more often.

2) Proposition 1000 (Physician Assisted Suicide) – I felt almost more passionate about this proposition than perhaps I did about the presidency. For the record – Webster’s defines suicide as:

The act of taking one's own life voluntary and intentionally; self-murder; the deliberate and intentional destruction of one's own life by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind.

- so yes, this IS suicide no matter if you call it “death with dignity” or not. It is WRONG to allow people to commit suicide rather than put their family through what they see as the hardship of their illness. It is just plain wrong. It is WRONG to make doctors lie on death certificates. It is just plain wrong. It is WRONG to not value human life. It is just plain wrong. Below is a letter to the editor my friend Molly wrote about Proposition 1000. She says it better than I ever could so I’m going to just leave it at that.

Let them keep their dignity

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer more than a year ago. When he wasn't improving, the doctor gave him horrifying news that he would die within three months. The hospital informed us that hospice would take over his care. Two nurses visited regularly at home.

Nurse Mickey treated my dad with compassion. If my dad experienced any pain, they took care of it. God blessed our family with my dad's presence for two months. During this time, each of us had a chance to say goodbye. Family members came and shared how my father made a difference. Childhood friends shared how they valued my dad's life-changing friendship.

It was hard to see my dad fade a little each day. Every moment was a precious gift from God. On Oct. 1, my father, Michael, died at 66. I will always remember my dad's never-ending faith in God and others. The hospice care gave my dad a chance to die with dignity. Initiative 1000 takes that dignity away. When we start playing God, we lose the value of human life.

-- Molly Feeney, Sammamish

3) Washington State Governor – I really wanted Dino to win this time. I got to meet him a few months ago and was VERY impressed by his ideas he had for the state and for getting us back on track financially. Now we are stuck with more of the same and the poor schmuck who comes into office next is going to have a terrible economic mess to dig themselves out of. Plus nothing is going to change about traffic and we are going to continue to see taxes rise.

Dear Lord, please don’t let the moronic voters of this state support an income tax. Amen.

PS - the only positive to come out of yesterday (well other than Norm Coleman beating Al Frankin in MN) is that I recieved five votes for Supreme Court Justice. All without doing ANY campaigning. Maybe there is something to this.....

Keller/Prentice September 27, 2008 – Kona, Hawaii

2008-10-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

What happens in Vegas sometimes leaves Vegas

I’ve been a bit remiss in blogging lately mostly because I went on vacation for a week and came back to a bees nest at work. I have my head mostly above water now so I can catch up on the rest of my life – including the sleep I lost the three weeks after my vacation.

My parents and I spent at week on The Big Island for vacation and to celebrate the marriage of my lifelong best friend, Erin Prentice, to some guy named Daniel Keller. OK OK so he is great, I ADORE him and he really is already part of the family but I still have to be my normal protective self. That doesn’t go away.

The first three days I told myself were strictly vacation. I did very little wedding stuff but instead enjoyed being in Hawaii. On Monday we went on a kayaking trip where we snorkeled and jumped off a 30 foot cliff.

Tuesday was spent seeing a bit more of the island via helicopter – with no doors thank you.

Me and Crazy George – our pilot

We went over the volcano and got to see amazing views of the flowing lava. It was amazingly beautiful. I asked our pilot if there is any type of state or federal assistance if your house is taken out by the lava flow on the Big Island. He informed me that there is not, and in fact, you can’t even buy Volcano insurance. This is why there are many homes built on the lava plains. The people own that land and just because their houses were burned to a crisp one time it doesn’t mean they don’t still own the land so they rebuild. It’s crazy.

We also went into the Thurston Lava Tube which wasn't as great as Ape Caves but was still pretty interesting and we went to the top of the volcanoe where you can see steam coming out of the crater. It's sort of like being in Land of the Lost - only without the Dinasours.

We also went to an incredible dinner at Mauni Lana which was to celebrate my mom and Erin’s dad’s great years with their company. I’m glad I got to tag along.

On Wednesday I slept in the hammock on the beach for as long as Daniel’s dad would let me.
Then Erin, Daniel, Joey and Tiffany (the pastor and his wife – all the way from England and some of my favorite people I have ever met) and I went shopping in Kahulia-Kona. It was fun to get to see all the amazing local fruit in the farmer’s market. We definitely took advantage of that later in the week as you shall see. Emily (another bridesmaid) flew in from Boston that evening and in my mind the wedding officially began.

On Thursday Emily, Erin, Juli and I went to the Hilton and swam with the dolphins. It was a very neat experience to get to be that up close and personal with such neat animals and the Hilton was GORGEOUS. We took advantage of being there and used the pool for a few hours before heading back for our nail appointments.

After that, my mom, dad and I went to a luau. I ran into Jamie, a friend from college who I hadn’t seen since 2000 and we enjoyed a very intimate luau. It was a lot of fun to have so much time with my parents. It isn’t very often we get a chance to vacation with our parents as adults. I have no idea if that will happen again so I enjoyed every moment.

On Friday the wedding got into full swing. We started decorating for the rehearsal dinner which was in front of the “cottage” and the tent went up in front of the big house. Erin, Emily, Kathy and I went to the farmers market and bought all kinds of flowers for the center pieces and the wedding site. Juli did an amazing job with decorating. I was very glad there were people like her around because I’m useless where that is concerned.

The rehearsal was relaxed and fun and there was a live band and BBQ for the rehearsal dinner. It was a true precursor to the fun that was ahead.

On Saturday morning Emily, Erin and I got up and picked up Mira (the other bridesmaid) from the house where she was staying and then went back to the big house to have a breakfast of tropical fruit and mimosas. The fruit was a lot of fun because much of it none of us had ever tried before. People were buzzing around the house constantly getting things ready and the wedding site looked absolutely beautiful by the time we left to get our hair done.

The ladies at the salon were great. They took apart their potted flower to have flowers to put in our hair and we laughed and enjoyed the time of just sitting and getting ready for the evening.

Saturday night brought the wedding. Erin was of course beautiful and Daniel was thrilled. I don’t think he left her side for more than about two seconds the whole night. We all had a blast and danced until the rules required the DJ to shut down. At one point I looked across the lawn and my mom was dancing to Flo Rida “Low”. I almost wet my pants laughing.

It was a great time and I really couldn’t ask for a better husband for Erin. There haven’t been many men in her life that I approved of so for Daniel to make the grade is saying something. I wish them the best and know God is going to bless their lives together as husband and wife. I’m looking forward to watching them grow as a couple and learn what it is like to be married.

And to think – it all started in Vegas.

Have No Fear

2008-10-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

My pastor is preaching a wonderful sermon series right now. It is super convicting and practical and true to life today, as his sermons often are. Yesterday he preached about hearing God and then submitting to what you hear. I found myself thinking last night about my prayer life and why sometimes I technically avoid it.

I’m currently considering a significant life change that is pretty much out of my control at this point. I was thinking about what it would mean to start praying diligently about it. I’ve been praying about it but sort of in a sheepish way. I realized the reason I have been hesitant to really pray, like sweating blood type of prayer, is because if I do, then I have to turn it over to God. If the door opens, I’ll know I have to walk through it because it is his plan for me. That kind of submission and letting go of “my” plans is awfully scary. It would mean potentially selling my house and moving who knows where. It means potentially losing the safety net of familiarity and not having all of my plans fulfilled, like getting a puppy in the Spring.

On my way home last night I was talking to Evan and I said something to him that I didn’t realize I had really thought until the words came out of my mouth. I told him that if God opens that door even though it might be sort of scary at first, I’ll know I will be ok because it will be God’s plan and he’ll be there with me. One of the things Pastor Dudley said last night was that often times the voice of God tells us things that seem so crazy that it couldn’t have possibly come from our own thoughts. Seeing as this potential change is such a thing for me (change is NOT my deal) I suppose it means I need to listen and realize it just might be God’s nudging. Anyway, I guess the point of all of this is that I need to stop worrying about what it will be like if it happens and instead be excited for the adventure I might find God sending me on.

No words necessary

2008-10-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know Erin and I this one needs no description except to say: wedding week, Walmart, laughing so hard you pee.

Adventurous Spirit

2008-09-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

Mr. Airplane claimed a few months ago that I have an adventurous spirit. I was surprised by his observation and in fact sort of argued with him about it – telling him he was giving me to much credit. In the end, he convinced me that perhaps in a way I do tend to love adventure. I guess in my overly planned life I do enjoy the adventures that I stumble upon. I ended up having an adventure of sorts last Saturday. A group of us from church went down to Mt. St. Helens and clamored though the Ape Caves. We went through the upper caves which is about 1.5 miles and included climbing up an eight foot tall lava fall. There are no lights in the cave and it is the longest lava tube in the Continental United States. At one point everyone in the group turned off their headlamps and flashlights and you literally could not see your hand in front of your face. I found myself wanting to lead the group as often as possible, not because I didn’t trust other people to lead but because blazing the trail was just so much fun. Half of the adventure for me was trying to find where the tube continued as I was climbing feet of lose boulders. Jason and I started to be on the lookout for bottomless pits, of which there were a few, but I drew the line when people started talking about bats. Thankfully I had a stocking cap on – it is an average of only 42 degrees down there – so I didn’t have to worry about one getting stuck in my hair.

If you are looking for an adventure within driving distance of Seattle check out Ape Caves and do the upper cave. It is unlike anything you will ever do. Make sure you have a head lamp as carrying a flashlight was a bit cumbersome for people, dress warm and wear sturdy shoes.

Stopping In for a Visit

2008-09-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

In June Wendy told me about Sitemeter. Sitemeter is a program that tracks how many people look at a site and where they are coming from. You can’t tell who they are unless you can deduce it from the city but you can see what city they came from and sometimes how they got there, although that is a little hit and miss. She put it on her blog and was enjoying seeing how many people looked at her site and from where they came. On June 3rd I put Sitemeter on my blog. I realized last week there was a chance I might hit 1,000 views in three months. I was AMAZED. Who knew 1,000 people would care to stop by here at any given time and see what I have to say. It has been fun to see what leads people to the site. The google searches are the most fun. Turns out a lot of people want to see what people have to say about traditional gender roles. Who knew? There is someone who reads my blog regularly from Belgrade, MT (who ARE you?!), Cadiz, KY (Hi Karisa!!!! (I don't know why you show up as being in KY - aren't you in Alabama or something? Maybe it is someone checking my blog through yours.....), Colorado locations have started popping up more frequently now (helllloooo Adrienne!), multiple Minnesota locations, of course Spokane, LA/California and on occasion Scottie and/or Shannie must check in because I get some Canadian hits as well and then there are random hits from around the world – UK, South Africa, there were a number of Swedish readers for awhile, Germany, etc. Really only Asia is unrepresented. It has been a lot of fun to see and I am flattered that it took less than three months for 1,000 people to spend a few minutes with me. Thanks for stoppin’ by. You all come back now you hear?

Sweet Pete

2008-08-29T11:10:00.001-07:00

We all have those few friends that make you happy just by being in your life. I was reminded last night just how important Pete is to me. I haven’t seen him for awhile for a myriad of reasons. We talk most days but sometimes we struggle with finding time to get together. When I walked into the restaurant where we were having dinner with some of his out of town friends last night I remembered why I care so much for him. He gave me a big smile and hug and instantly I was at ease. Our lives have taken us in funny places throughout the years of our friendship and the memories I have with him in them are some of my favorites.

I don’t tell you often enough my friend how much I care about you but I do. A lot. I’m very very glad you are in my life. (And PS – that’s why I get mad at you when you don’t call me when you need a ride to the hospital!) It was good to reconnect last night.

Sign of the times

2008-08-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

I realized as I pulled into the gas station last night and started celebrating that I was going to get Premium gas for $3.85 (that's right PREMIUM) that times have definitely changed. I remember the last time I got gas for under a dollar. I was in Salem I think in my Senior year and it was at the Arco that smelled like the Mushroom Factory not more than a mile away. I'm not sure why that memory is so strong but it is. I didn't realize at the time is was momentous but now I realize it will be the kind of story I tell when I'm 80. Sort of like our parents walking to school uphill both ways in ten feet of snow. I think I'm getting old but I was still very happy yesterday for my $3.85 that's for sure.

Hem - sometimes someone else can say it better than you can.

2008-08-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

The Fire Thief

Wouldn't be the first time love made a fool of me
Wouldn't even care but now you're here to see
It comes as no surprise
Just leave the light on

What I wouldn't give if you could have it all
The sun that's going down the bed that breaks the fall
The cradle and the bow
So you can take comfort now
You can take comfort now...

Sometimes a heart can break and make its own relief
The way a cold dark night invites the fire thief
He wants to show us how
So we can take comfort now
We can take comfort now
We can take comfort now

Leave the light on...

No Ties

2008-08-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with my dad last night about some potential changes in my life (more to come in the future maybe) one of which might include a move, perhaps a significant one, (East coast? LA? Back to MN? Somewhere yet unknown?) if I can make some magic happen. One of the things I said to him was that I didn’t really have any ties keeping me in Seattle. Adrienne leaving has left a huge gap. Erin left two years ago now (man, time flies) and I know many of the people I’m close to figure they are here for another year (Theresa, Kirstin) maybe two tops and others realize this is a short term landing spot (Schneiders). I started to think that this would be a good time in my life to maybe chase an idea I have had for some time because other than my family being in Spokane nothing here feels very permanent.

My dad and I went to the Mariner’s game not long after this conversation. As we were watching the game my phone started to beep with text messages. First it was Pete – “you at the game? I’m here with my parents. See us? I’m waving at you across the stadium”. Then it was Aaron and Heidi – “you at the game? We’re here too and wanted to say hi.” Then it was Chris – “I just saw you and your dad on the Jumbotron! Nice work!!” Then Drew walked by and some people we knew from living in Snohomish sat two rows in front of us.

After about an hour of this my dad looked at me and said to me – “Really? No ties holding you in Seattle? I never want to hear you say that again.” Thanks for making me feel at home and connected guys. I love you all. (PS – it doesn’t mean I’m not moving but it makes it much less lonely for the time being)

Wingman

2008-08-18T11:31:00.001-07:00

Everyone needs a wingman, someone who can be there no matter what, who is your backup, who watches your six o’clock (to quote dad), who doesn’t let you out of their sight in necessary situations but then also pushes you forward when you need the shove. My wingman so to speak for the past few years has been Adrienne. She moved to Colorado a week ago after getting a sudden job offer. She was so excited and I am happy for her to have the adventure but man, I’m missing her. I realized again this weekend that life is different for me in about 1,000 small ways without her around. (and that’s not even counting the fact I just miss the heck out of her)

This past weekend a group of us went up to Mt. Rainier to camp and hike etc. I missed Adrienne immediately because I was one of few single women in the group. It meant I got my tent to myself for the first night which is nice in a way but lonely in a way too. Frankly, that wasn’t an issue but I definitely thought of Adrienne and wished she was there to chuckle with while falling asleep. When I really noticed her absence was hiking on Saturday. As we started up the hill a few of the guys in the group told people to make sure they had a buddy. I was walking with Kim and Julie at the time. Julie is newly married and Kim has been married for five years now and Julie mentioned that she doesn’t have to worry about a buddy because she has her permanent buddy in Jeff. Her comment really stung. This entry is not to say anything bad about Julie because I ADORE her and I know she absolutely meant nothing by what she said – it was simply a true statement – Jeff would watch out for her. It’s part of the team that is created when you get married and it is one of the wonderful reasons why I think God created the bond between a man and a woman. (Side note: I heard on the radio this morning that there have been studies done that show that when a woman is stressed by simply holding her husband’s hand the brain activity that stress causes is reduced in half. IN HALF. By simply holding hands. Sheesh.) Anyway, a while later on the hike I got sick probably for a number of reasons and had to turn back. I went down the mountain and on a different hike along Paradise River in the shade instead of on the mountain with no shade and it was fine but I realized as I was walking along that if Adrienne had been there she would have gone down the mountain with me. It wouldn’t have been an option to let me go on my own. That’s what us single thirty something women do for each other. We are each other’s wingmen at all times. Thank goodness God created girlfriends in addition to marriage. ha

Everything turned out fine. My hike along the river was wonderful, cooler, beautiful, very few people, etc etc, but it would have been far more fun with Adrienne by my side.

I miss you my friend. I can’t wait to come visit you in Colorado!!

New Guy (NG)

2008-08-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many reasons the addition of NG to our office in mid-January improved my work life but yesterday and today he has given two very clear examples.

1) Starbucks runs. At least two or three times a week he pulls me out the door for a Starbucks run. On the way there and back we talk, sometimes about work junk and other times it's nothing but mindless banter.

2) 3:00 Whiskey. Not that I’m sipping it, whiskey isn’t really my thing unless it’s the expensive stuff, but just the fact that he IS makes me feel better.

Truths from a seven year old

2008-08-06T11:01:00.001-07:00

In response to my sister telling my niece that God had a bigger plan for someone else when they had to cancel their trip to Disneyland Kelly said - I don't know why God would be so mean to me and not let me go to Disneyland.

I hear you kiddo.

Soundtrack of my Life (today)

2008-08-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

Evan and I were talking yesterday (sorry Evan, it's all fair game for the blog) about a memory he has about spending time with me and the memory had a song attached to it. I told him I should probably have a soundtrack for my life. Actually, there would be many of them. I have created CDs with some of them. Here is the one for now (probably the last five months give or take).

1. Low – Flo Rida
2. Jesus Lead On – Forgivenmuch (this one is pretty much permanent and has been for a couple years)
3. My Hands Are Shaking - Sondre Lerche
4. Gravity – Sara Bareilles
5. Desire - Ryan Adams
6. Night Train – Amos Lee
7. Satelite - Guster
8. The Little Things – Colbie Cailat
9. One Sweet Love – Sara Bareilles
10. Put a Girl in It – Books and Dunn
11. Where You Are – Rascal Flatts
12. Magic – Colbie Cailat
13. Let My Love Open the Door – Sondre Lerche
14. Freckles – Natasha Bedingfeld
15. Many the Miles – Sara Bareilles
16. The Way I am – Ingrid Michealson
17. I’ll Be OK – Sondre Lerche
18. Soulmate – Natasha Bedingfeld
19. New Soul - Yael Naim

On Being Human

2008-08-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

As a blogger I love it when I realize other people are reading my blog. Matty’s dad asked me on Saturday why I write a blog. What’s the point he wanted to know, and I really struggled with an answer. What I finally landed on was this: it’s a way for me to share what is rolling around in my head with other people and my hope is that they care about what I have to share. So with that idea, I also repay the favor and read other people’s blogs. I always love when they can make me introspective. This posting by Heather really made me think the other day and it came back to me yesterday and this morning as I was going about my day. The Bible verses she laid out there were what really caught me and I have been praying about them ever since. For ease of reference I have reposted them here – with Heathers small additions:

Paul is writing to the Romans...Romans 7:14 - 25: So the trouble is not with the law, for it (the law) is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle in life-that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: in my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” (The exciting news in this is: Romans 8:1-2: "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.")

Yesterday and this morning I let a little bit of worry creep into my life. It is probably one of my greatest “sins”. I tend to worry about people I care about, worry about finances, worry about the future, worry about things I can’t control. I think it comes a little from being a bit type A. What I was convicted of this morning is that the worry that I was experiencing was not based on anything that would be from God but rather was because I was getting pulled at by Old Red Legs (to quote Susan B). The reality is if I considered what I often repeat to myself 100 or 1,000 or more times a day (let go, let God) then I would worry about nothing. I would realize instead that God has things in control. There should be no fear in what is happening because God wants the best for us and wants us to be happy SO even if the worst – whatever that might be in my mind at any particular time – were to happen, the temporary pain is nothing compared to the joy that God is intending. It’s pretty awesome actually. I wish Paul was wrong in what he is saying to the Romans that we are pulled by our human nature to sin and rebel against God’s laws but I agree (I know – shocker – for those of you who have studied the Bible with me you know how much I struggle with Paul. We would NOT have gotten along.), if only I could allow what is in my heart to lead over what sometimes goes on in my head God’s joy would fill my life and I would no longer have any worries.

My favorite verse in the Bible is Matthew 6:34 but the whole section is worth repeating here. If only it were so easy:

Matthew 6: 25-34: 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Goose Bumps

2008-07-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

This post by Scottie just gave me goose bumps. Maybe it's because I know the struggles he has been through the last few years. Maybe it's because I can so relate. I'm not sure, but it needs to be shared. Thanks for the early Friday morning tears my friend. I miss you and your schweaty back defense beyond belief.

Stay True To Your Course

2008-07-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

As I sat this morning drinking my coffee and eating my oatmeal I noticed for about the thousandth time the compass I have on my desk. It is a gold compass set in cherry wood that my parents gave me as a gift when I graduated from college. On the compass is engraved the words "stay true to your course". It was a very inspirational gift, one I really treasure, but today I was looking at it and got to thinking - have I managed to? Have I remained in line with where I need to be? Have I focused on the shifts in the course and moved with them or have I gotten off course and if so how in the world do I get back?

Dying in a Southwesterly Direction

2008-07-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

This has turned into a sort of “theme” for my recent trip to Minnesota so I figure it is a fair title to use here. Evan asked last night what I did while I was there and I said that we just hung around but with later reflection I realized that wasn’t really true and I had better get down my memories of the week quickly before they fade away into my overworked brain.

I arrived on Saturday morning at around 6:00am and took a cab to Jodi’s house. The cabbie got lost because of closed freeways but thankfully I was able to remember well enough how to get to her place in my sleep deprived fog. I immediately fell asleep since Jodi was out walking in preparation for the three day in Seattle in September (yesssssss) and slept until she came back. Then we decided we should go grab some breakfast but it was raining so she decided it would be best to drive the block down to Louisiana Café. We knew it was very silly but I didn’t object because I hadn’t just walked 12 miles. So we jumped into Baby J’s car and drove a block to the restaurant, which in itself was funny but then when we got there we realized there was no parking so we drove BACK to her house and walked to the restaurant in the downpour and cracking thunder. I’m chuckling now just thinking about it. It’s the paybacks you get for being lazy.

That afternoon Jodi had to go to a wedding so I went over to Sarah’s house to hang out with her and her 9 month old Jake. Jake unfortunately had a fever so we stayed pretty close to home other than a short walk at one point when his fever was down. Here is a picture of Jake. I love him.

On Sunday, Jodi and I met up with her neighbor Andy and went to a Twins game. We were supposed to be meeting her other friends Andy and Vanessa at Grumpy’s for breakfast but when we got there, after paying for parking which I vehemently objected to mind you, we realized Grumpy’s was closed until noon or something so we walked over to where the free parking is (told you Jodi haha) and went to Huberts. I had no complaints about spending the morning in Huberts because it was our regular hangout before and sometimes after games when I lived there. In fact we sat in one of the high booths that I love for the people watching. I was happy as a clam. Here is a picture of Jodi and I at the game. Notice my new Twins hat!

After the game, which the Twins won, we took Andy home and then went to Jodi’s parent’s house for a bbq. I love Jodi’s family. There are always a bunch of kids around and her siblings and parents are so nice. I sat in the sun on the porch and watched the sibling banter and caused as much trouble with her dad as possible. After the bbq we met up with Andy again and went for a walk around the Cathedral neighborhood in St. Paul. There are some of the most beautiful homes in that area. It is an area I would love to live in – if only I had millions of dollars.

On Monday Jenny got home from New York and picked me up at Jodi’s. We decided that it was going to be hot and it would be the perfect day to float the Cannon River. I unfortunately don’t have any pictures of that but it was very fun. We definitely saw some very interesting characters and we MIGHT have gotten on the wrong bus at some point. Needless to say, they knew us by the time we left. I would like to do that again sometime but go for an even longer float. It is very fun and very beautiful. I love the southeast part of MN. Even coming from the part of the world that I live in that I think is the most beautiful in the country I appreciate and love that part of MN.

Kristen came over to Jenny’s house that evening and we bbq’d and caught up. Jenny had fun stories to tell about her trip to New York and I hadn’t talked to Kristen much since her trip out here in May so it was good to have some time together. Later we decided to stretch our legs a little and talk a walk around Jenny’s neighborhood – btw Jenny, I never got to see the development downtown, darn. This picture is of Jenny, Kristen and I and an attempt to get the beautiful sunset we got to enjoy.

On Tuesday, Jenny and I went out to Nikki’s place in Rogers and got to meet her new addition Issac. This is him:

Nikki is doing really well and has a very cute house in Rogers which is about 40 minutes from the cities. We spent the morning enjoying her company, cuddling Issac and of course playing with Eli. I asked Eli to pose for me in his bedroom. This is what came of that request:

He is the best.

After leaving Rogers, Jenny and I went to meet Jodi – Jenny’s Jodi, not my Jodi – for a drink to celebrate her first dentist appointment in a looooooong time. It was good to have some time to talk to Jodi because I haven’t seen too much of her since I moved away. She is such a sweetheart and has a cute “new” boyfriend who she is excited about and that is very exciting. Later Jenny and I met Kevin, who was in town from Kansas City, Kristen and Zach for a St. Paul Saints game. Kristen signed me up to do some game during the middle of one of the innings but I decided I didn’t want to so Jenny did it for me. It was pretty hilarious because the announcer kept calling her Kristin Thompson when he was encouraging her. She won a gift certificate though so she did me proud. Kristen and Zach competed in a foot race and came in third. It was a very fun evening.

On the way home we stopped by Jodi’s place where she and Andy were having a drink on the porch and Jenny got to see her house and we hung out for about an hour before heading home.

Jenny had to tutor on Wednesday morning and I was tired and realizing Wednesday was my only opportunity to sleep in, so on Wednesday I took the morning for myself. I slept in and read my book in the sun and relaxed. It was nice to have that time in the middle of the week to catch my breath a little and actually realize this was a VACATION. That evening Jenny took me up to St. Paul and we met Sarah, Jodi, Kristen and Andy at my favorite bar, Sweeny's. I love Sweeny's because they have the best outdoor patio. I am happy wherever I am as long as I am outside in the sun. Jenny had to leave to go to her parents' cabin but some of Sarah’s and some of Andy’s friends stopped by and this ensued:

Me and Sarah

Jodi and Andy - neighbors, ok AND friends

Don't ask about this one. Actually, if you want to know - ask Tom.

Good times. I love my girls.

Thursday I got to babysit Jake. Here is another picture of him being cute:

I was considering putting him in my suitcase and bringing him home with me but I thought his mom and dad might care. When Aaron got home Sarah and I went and grabbed some dinner and then we met up with Andy and Jodi for some fireworks. Andy wrote a story and part of it included a description of that evening. Here is his description – with a few edits – and the reason behind the name of this entry:

It was the night of July 3rd, and Jodi had an almost irrational love of fireworks, so the three of them went to see the riverside fireworks display. Sarah, another friend of Jodi’s, drove them all downtown. They found a large empty spot next to the river in front of a bay of condos. They sat on a concrete riser containing plants and watched a police skiff cruise the river, shining lights into the crowd on the opposite shore in search of mischief. They sat in a row, Sarah, Jodi, Kristin, himself. They had not realized how close the fireworks would be, launching skyward from a fenced-off area mere yards from where they sat. It was not the biggest fireworks show he had ever seen, but it was the most thrilling because of the proximity. The fireworks seemed to ignite directly over their heads, so close that he wondered if they would all leave with ash in their hair. The concussions shook the concrete under them and made his ears ring. His nose filled with the smell of sulfur. Shamelessly enthralled, he realized after a few minutes under the blazing sky that he had a stupid, childish grin on his face.

Sarah drove an Audi with leather interior. The rearview mirror had a red digital feature embedded in the upper right-hand corner displaying the compass direction the car was heading.

He instantly fixated on it, and expressed out loud a desire to steal it.

He watched the direction change as Sarah drove them home and he realized it was sadly, the end of the evening. They were traveling southwest when he realized this, according to the rearview mirror. Jodi was joking about Sarah killing them all with her erratic driving.

If you died in this car, at least you’d know what direction you were heading, he mused aloud.

Ah Andy.

This picture is of Jodi and Sarah waiting for the fireworks and is BY FAR my favorite picture from the week:

On Friday I met up with Jodi again and went to her sister Dawn’s house. Her mom made me cheese brats and I sat by the pool, teased her family members and was teased in return and soaked in the sun. Happy 4th of July. Man, I was content. Later Jodi and I jumped in Smelly (her car) and I drove us to Wausau, Wisconsin to Sarah’s parents' house. While there I thought we needed to light at least one firework for the 4th so I bought two little fountains at Target. Jodi and I were certain they wouldn’t be loud and wouldn’t wake Jake up so we set them off in the front of the house with her dad. Well, it didn’t take long for the noise to start and I ended up getting beaten by Sarah during the pops and whistles which are clearly described on the packaging. I guess you should read packaging on fireworks. Who knew?

On Saturday Jodi and I continued on to Milwaukee (Mequon actually) for Jeff and Julie’s wedding. Their wedding was WONDERFUL complete with fireflies at the reception site. I think Jodi said it best when she said “I don’t know anyone here but it is one of the most fun weddings I have been to for a long time. There is just a vibe here that I can’t describe.” She was right. The service was wonderful and very Christ focused. The reception site was beautiful. There were a lot of young people there so there was a lot of fun dancing and laughter. Here’s a few of my pictures.

This is a picture of our table ("Celebrate"). These are all friends of Jeff's from Engineering school. We couldn't have asked for a better crowd to hang around with for the evening. We even ended up going out after the wedding was over because we just couldn't get enough of each other. I hope some of them come to Seattle to visit!

On Sunday Jodi took me to Julie’s parents house and I went to a brunch they were holding for Jeff and Julie before they left for the honeymoon in Costa Rica. It was very small so it was a great chance for me to spend some time with Jeff and Julie and get to know their families better. That evening I flew out of Milwaukee home. Sam and Kim picked me up from the airport and the love and fun continued. Shoot – I don’t have to go away to make good memories. They happen here at home with my friends I love so much as well. I tell you what though: my MN friends are amazing. I even appreciate Brandon, who was out of town but called me to catch up, more than I can express. What a wonderful week. I’m sad I won’t be back again this year but I am so thankful to have had a full week to enjoy.

Until next time!

I’m a girl!!! What do you expect!?

2008-06-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Confession time – don’t judge me too harshly or stop reading my blog because of what I am about to reveal. Please remain my loyal readers, friends and confidants. Here goes: I am a huge fan of the bachelor/bachelorette. I know. Shutter. Reality TV at its worst. But I have to admit, I rarely if ever miss an episode. OK so that is mostly true now because of DVR and couldn’t have been said before the “hotter than crap Brad” season (to quote www.ihategreenbeans.com) but even when I didn’t have DVR I didn’t miss many episodes of the seasons I committed myself to. There have been a number of seasons that I haven’t watched but I’ve watched more than I care to admit. I personally was pretty smitten by Graham this season and was very disappointed today when I discovered he was the one not chosen last Monday. (Swoon) I love the idea of romance without limits and falling in love in a short amount of time. As you all know, I give my heart way too fast, so I can understand the phenomenon of falling in love within the short few months/weeks they actually know each other on the show. I know, I know, the success rate isn’t high but a girl can dream.

I got to thinking today about the romance part of the show and what it would be like to actually have that in my life. It has been a while since I have been on a romantic date. In fact, Carney and I never had anything close to romance – probably the closest we came was our fishing trip which was fun and funny and enjoyable but really not “romantic” in the way that I think of it – or that the ABC intern thinks of it either. Mr. Airplane was a big time romantic so I guess romance in my life goes back to him. Shoot, that was over two years ago now, other than our short time together last winter which was frankly full more of angst than romance.

I was reflecting today on what romance could look like when money is a factor, you have life getting in the way and don’t have anyone getting paid to do the planning. The dates the Bachelor and Bachelorette get to go on are out of this world and would be amazing to experience but I’m pretty sure I have no expectation of a helicopter ride or a private concert by Natasha Bedingfield anytime soon. Not that I would turn any of that down mind you – just in case my Mr. Forever stumbles upon my blog. (Please note the change from Mr. Right to Mr. Forever. I’ve decided that is actually what I am looking for. It’s sort of like saying I am looking for Mr. Just Right For Me – but with less words. haha)

As I watched one of the episodes today it struck me that one of the most romantic parts of this particular date was the fact that both the current bachelorette (DeAnna) and the man she was with at the time (Jeremy) took the time to sit and talk to each other. They held hands and shared parts of their lives that were difficult to share. Compared to the staged or planned romance I found this part of the episode to actually be filled with tenderness and romantic moments. There was no helicopter, no exotic waterfalls, no quartet and certainly no out of this world financial obligation. Yet despite that I was greatly moved.

Maybe this goes back to my love languages. I don’t care who you are, where you are in your relationship life – married, single, looking to be married, looking to remain single – you should ALL read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I learned a lot about myself and how I react to people whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship or even with my family. The “five languages” are gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service. Chapman basically asserts that one feels loved by certain “acts” and the language or languages you “speak” effect whether or not you are feeling loved. I have two primary languages – quality time and physical touch. I guess in that you can see why I saw the romance in Jeremy and DeAnna sitting on the couch, holding hands and sharing about their lives.

I was introduced recently to a guy who owns a boat. I was thinking today about how being on a boat is a romantic activity – maybe not at 6:00 am pulling a skier which is what he “threatened” me with but being on a boat tends to be automatically romantic for some reason. I guess that requires money but still something about just being on or around the water does that. Again, I think part of the reason is you slow down and take the time to be together. Maybe that’s actually what romance is all about.

I would LOVE to hear some of your most romantic moments. Maybe my Mr. Forever is reading this and he can get some pointers! And hey! Happy 4th of July! Remember the romance of fireworks and hold the one you love’s hand as you sit still together and oooooh and ahhhhh.

Biggest Pet Peeve EVER

2008-06-19T10:15:00.001-07:00

I just found this blog entry (see below) and realized I never posted it. Better late than never I suppose. It still is a pet peeve. That won't change:

If you ask me out on a date don't ask me where to go or what to do. YOU ASKED ME! I shouldn't have to be the one to make the plans. Be a man.

Top 9 Things I’ve learned at the Gym

2008-06-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

1) Talking to strangers in the hot tub never turns out well.

2) If you put the heel of your shoe through the hole in the nonslip flooring and almost kill yourself one time it will probably have the same effect the next time and the time after that.

3) If you are 50+ and your boobs are perkier than mine you aren’t fooling anyone.

4) When in the pool the clothes really are an indication of how fast you will be. Unlike on the treadmill where anyone can look the part, someone with the confidence to wear a tiny Speedo will likely be fast.

5) The louder you are the less weight you are actually lifting.

6) Laughing at the guy next to you isn’t the best way to make friends - although it is a great way to make friends with the guy next to you's friends.

7) The floor will be slippery under you when you get off a bike at the end of a spinning class if there were beads of sweat dripping off your nose at any point during the class.

8) You can still be heard when singing along with your IPod on the treadmill/bike even if you can hardly hear yourself.

9) Always make sure the treadmill is off before stepping onto it.

Loreen Miller 2008

2008-06-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last year Jessy and I rode the Loreen Miller Half Century bike ride in such heat that Jessy didn’t know if she was going to survive. This year I got off my bike after only going 25 miles, soaking wet and cold. Thankfully Keith had an extra pair of socks. I knew I loved that kid for a reason.

Adrienne and I headed over the mountains on Friday evening with Aunt Jan in tow. It was a fun ride over with nice weather and great company. We made good time too so I was happy. I’ve made that trip enough times now that “good time” is a serious concern for me. Let’s be honest – I compete with myself. My parents got a new Newfoundland puppy – Maddie – and she greeted us with licks and jumps. I want a puppy SO badly so I took full advantage of Maddie. I even got up at 5am on Saturday morning just so I could play with her for a while before everyone else got up. For those of you who know me at all you know that is HUGE. She is a doll and Adrienne and I wanted to steal her. Unfortunately, there wasn’t room for her in the car on the way home.

Saturday morning proved to be beautiful and a perfect opportunity to watch my nephew Keith play baseball. That kid is seriously amazing. Steve and I are already talking agents and I don’t even think I’m all that biased. I’m pretty certain that on top of being the best player on the team he is easily the nicest kid on the diamond (probably the smartest too). Kelly showed us some of her great cheerleading skills and continues to be about the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. This picture is evidence of that (she's the one in white):

Saturday afternoon Evan met up with us at my parent’s house where we played Frisbee, went on a walk, taught Evan how to play croquette (Adrienne is super good at that game by the way – you are officially warned) and just spent time enjoying the nice weather. We have been pretty wet and cold in Seattle so far this year so soaking up some sun was extremely nice.

Sunday morning we woke up to rain. Rain. Ick. I hate riding in the rain. Hate it. Strongly hate. We had come all the way there with the purpose of riding the ride and so we went up to the high school where it starts and decided by hook or crook we were going to at least attempt it. Adrienne is just starting to get into cycling thanks to some influences in her life and I really wanted her to have a chance to try it out so I was glad the weather was pleasant enough to at least head out on the road. She, my mom, Jessy and Keith decided to do twelve miles. The weather stayed warm enough that the rain wasn’t too much of a bother and I think we officially got cycling in Adrienne’s blood. SWEET.

Dad, Evan and I decided to go beyond the twelve miles and do at least half the course. There is a good climb on the front half of the course but even more important there is a great downhill. Downhills are not quite as much fun in the rain because you have to be a little careful but I still managed to get into the high 30s or was it low 40s. I can’t remember. I just know at one point I passed my dad and I said to him “well, that was slightly terrifying on a wet road”. It is one of very few downhills you will ever ride that makes the climb up worthwhile.

Despite the rain – and my wet socks at the bottom of the hill – I really enjoyed the ride. I had some time to chat with my Dad which is always wonderful. We reminisced about his ride from Seattle to Spokane when he was 40 and how easy biking was for him at that time because of all of his training. I love riding with Evan and relish any excuse to do so even in the rain. So the company was good (maybe great even, maybe ha) and frankly, I just love being on my bike. If I lived in a climate that “allowed” it I would ride every day. I remember during my time in MN when I first really started getting into biking. I had this ugly gold bike that I think was even a 10 speed or something ridiculous. When I first got to MN I was lost. I had come from a summer living in the mountains and working at camp and I was thrown into the “big” city where it was loud and I didn’t know anything or anyone. I remember at one point emailing a friend from camp and telling him I wasn’t going to make it. He emailed me and reminded me that I was always happy on my bike up at camp and that I should try that tactic again. He said “Kristin, stop feeling bad for yourself, get on your bike and go explore. Find parts of your new home you can love.” So I did. That first day of “bike exploration” I found Como Park. It became “my” spot. It had a nice lake, free zoo (with an Orangutan I made “friends” with) and large expanses of lawn. I was a regular there. I would ride there on my bike on nice days and drive there to sit in the coffee shop and look at the lake on cold, snowy or rainy days or when finals forced me to remain inside. From that first ride around the Twin Cities I was hooked, biking was in my blood. I actually owe Scott a huge thank you for that. I’m not sure he even really knew how much he helped.

So anyway, back to Loreen Miller. Evan, Dad and I finished the 25 miles and while I think we all felt we could go further, Evan’s chain was holding on by a thread and frankly we were all very wet so we went in. It was a wonderful ride despite the rain. I loved that Keith was there on a Specialized bike since I am admittedly a Specialized snob. He did great which doesn’t surprise me. I can’t wait to ride more with him now.
The sun came out once we got home but I believe things happen as they do for a reason so I figure that was what God had in store for us for the day. We had nice weather for the drive home and all in all a wonderful weekend.

If only I hadn’t ended it by driving my car into the garage with my bike and bike rack on top. Ah, well, I’m off to the auto body shop for an estimate.

Music

2008-06-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have the tendency to get "stuck" on songs or particular music. Since the end of March I have listened to at least one Colbie Caillat song at least once a day. I've been that way since I was a kid. I would listen to a song on repeat until I got it out of my system. It's probably how Jessy and I memorized the whole two sided tape of the story of ET. Colbie is still holding strong but I've now changed some of my fixation to Sara Bareilles. Most of you probably have heard her song Love Song. It's a good song but it doesn't really hold a candle in my book to two other songs on her CD. Yesterday I had a coffee meeting and a doctors appointment so I had some driving to do and I put in her CD and listened time and again to Many the Miles and One Sweet Love. Check out the whole CD but make sure to pay special attention to those two. I really like them for different reasons. Many the Miles is upbeat and hopeful and I identify strongly with the lyrics of One Sweet Love. If I was really good at this blogging thing I would figure out how to actually put the songs here for you to listen to but for now the lyrics of One Sweet Love will have to do. (Oh and PS - Gravity is pretty powerful as well)

One Sweet Love
Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Ski to Sea 2008

2008-06-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

About a year ago SLF asked me if I wanted to get a team together for Ski to Sea in Bellingham. This event is well attended and very competitive – a fact I did not know until we signed up. I am always up for trying new things so of course I told him I would participate and help in any way I could.

Ski to Sea is a multisport relay race from the “top” of Mt Baker to the “sea” in Bellingham Bay. It is something like 140 miles. It starts with a four mile cross country ski, then a climb up a hill and downhill ski down, then an eight mile downhill run, a 27 mile rolling road bike course, 18 mile canoe, an eight mile mountain bike to the final kayak course. SLF got all of the legs covered except the canoe leg and the cross country ski so I called Kristen in MN and asked her if she wanted to participate and talked Sam (easily mind you) into using the canoe he built to paddle with me for the canoe leg.

Sam and Kim had the great idea of camping up in Bellingham for the weekend. It was Memorial Day weekend so we all had Monday off. I reserved a spot at Larrabee State Park (I learned yesterday Larrabee is the first state park in Washington – thanks Adrienne) and the four of us and Mack went up and camped Saturday night to Monday. I don’t know if it was because it was the first camping trip of the year, the wonderful weather, the very nice campsite (especially for a state park), the company or what but I couldn’t have had more fun.

The weather had turned hot a few weeks before and the race organizers were very concerned about the river. We were told well in advance that there was a chance the canoe leg would be canceled. I took Kristen, who had a stress fracture in her foot mind you, to meet SLF and they went up the mountain. Meanwhile, Sam, Kim, Mack and I took the canoe to a nice little park in Everson. While we were waiting for the prerace meeting we ran into Will Schmautz a friend of mine from college who was there with a team. Some of his team members were also guys I knew from college. It was so great to see him and catch up a little. His team was decent. They got 7th. ha Not surprising. Eventually, the race organizers decided the river was too high and cancelled the canoe leg of the race. Sam and I were very disappointed but it was better to do that than to drown in the Nooksack. I mean seriously, if I am going to die in a river I would rather have it have a better name than Nooksack. We did still get to participate however. Sam laced up his running shoes and took the timing chip from our road biker and ran it 20 feet over the timing mat. He didn’t even fall like a lot of people so we definitely were invaluable members of our team.

Kristen did great – broken foot and all - and our team did ok. We finished ahead of over 100 teams and seeing as SLF didn’t have a very strong leg I would say the rest of our team rocked.

Sunday afternoon we went and walked around the beach by Larrabee and we thoroughly wore Mack out as you can see from this picture:

We saw lots of Sea Stars and enjoyed getting to be on the water. On Monday we woke up to wet weather so we packed up a camp a little more quickly than we probably would have and headed home. Kristen and I ended up napping and doing laundry and just spending time together. Her visit made me very excited for my week in MN/WI the end of June.

Next year, Sam and I have decided we want to put a team of our crew together. Claim your portion of the race soon!

It was the Best of time and it was the Worst no, it was the Best of times

2008-05-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a period of time that is just so good you kind of think it is too good to be true? That happened to me last weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were three of the most fun and best days I have had in a long time. The weather turned very nice for those days and it seemed I was coming out of hibernation. At work on Friday I was almost overly productive. Usually, when the sun comes out I have a tough time focusing but on Friday it was almost as if the sunshine pushed me on. I left work earlier than normal and met Jeff, Julie, Evan and Jon for happy hour in the sunshine at a Mexican place in Bothell. I was reminded again how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life, in my life. With each new addition things just get better.

After happy hour Jon, Evan and I met up with about seven other people to go to the new Narnia movie. I was a bit unimpressed by the movie itself but I sat next to John Mabbott and he let me make snide comments about the movie the whole time so it ended up being just fine. Plus it kept me from freaking out TOO much over the “scary” parts.

Saturday morning I went and got new tires for my car. Now this might seem like a lame sunny Saturday morning activity but I have been SO worried driving around on my old tires that it was a huge relief to get them changed out. Plus, I walked up to Lowe’s while I was waiting and got an errand done in addition to great and entertaining conversations with Aaron and Heidi and Kristen and Jenny. All in all not bad for a Saturday morning.

After the tire extravaganza I went to Fred Meyer and bought plants. Lots of plants. And dirt. Lots of dirt. Living in a townhome with little to no yard I seldom get to spend an afternoon (in the 90 degree heat mind you) up to my elbows in dirt. By the time I was done I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get all of the dirt out from under my fingernails. My next door neighbor ever so kindly pointed out the huge streaks of dirt across my forehead and cheeks from where I had wiped my face at various times with dirty hands/arms. I felt like a kid making a fort in our back yard at Lord Hill all over again. Julie wasn’t impressed by my flowers last night when I showed them to her but I think they are pretty nice and I think they make my front porch look like it is ready for summer. I have a couple more to finish up but when I’m done it is going to be my nice little garden.

That night Kirsten and I met up for dinner at her place in Kirkland. They have a wonderful deck and a perfect view of the Olympics and Lake Washington. Steaks on the BBQ and a warm sunset? Are you kidding?

The icing on the cake was Sunday. I met Evan and his friend Jim for the Haul Ash bike ride from Woodinville to Fremont and back. The weather was seriously ideal. Jim, Evan and I seem to ride together pretty well. I haven’t had that much fun on a bike ride in a very long time. The guys pushed me but I could tell understood when I got tired at the end. Mind you, I would like to point out at the point I got the most tired we were still pushing 18-20 MPH so I would say not entirely a cop out. We sat for a few minutes at a coffee shop in Freemont at the midway point and enjoyed a cup of coffee and it seriously felt like Heaven. I couldn’t have wished to be in any other company and I couldn’t imagine a better feeling than the sunshine on your face after pushing out a good 20 miles. Nothing beats those endorphins. The only bummer about the afternoon/morning is I had to leave directly after we were done riding to meet Theresa for the Mariner’s game. I am not complaining for a split second about going to the Mariner’s game, especially one they won, but I would have loved to have spent some time at Redhook with the guys. Hopefully, I can talk them into a rain check.

Theresa and I thoroughly enjoyed the game and the Mariners won so I was very happy. It’s their first back to back wins since sometime in April so needless to say it was well overdue. Maybe we can get a little streak going now. The weather was again perfect. It wasn’t too hot to sit in the sun in my seats and similar to how I felt in the morning all the colors seemed more brilliant and just more real. I truly slowed down like I always do at a game and enjoyed the moment. I wished the game had been two hours longer.

All good things must come to an end I suppose and on my way to church my Jeep began to overheat on the freeway. Thankfully, I was able to limp off the freeway and prayed frantically for a close parking spot which was granted. I decided I could maybe fix the car on my own but it would take buying a part on Monday morning so I called Jeff and Julie who were headed to church and expecting me for dinner that night anyway and they came and picked me up. Unfortunately, we were then too late for church but we went to their place for a nice dinner and Julie then moved in with me for the next month. All in all, even the hiccup with the Jeep was insignificant and I know it will be taken care of. Actually, maybe it was a bit of a blessing. Had it not been for the Jeep mishap I’m not sure I would have been able to force myself to come to work with any type of focus today. Granted the morning started out with me in tears from the stress of dealing with it and my lovely boss, but that’s behind me now. I have a nice evening ahead of me that is screaming for a run and time to make a casserole for Melissa and Geoff who just had an adorable baby girl. Plus with Julie living with me I have a friend to hang out with.

I guess the moral of the story is to appreciate the blessings while they are in front of you, big and small. I sometimes think I don’t deserve to have such a wonderful life but I am certainly not complaining.

Men are frustrating but I finally found one worth my time

2008-05-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

I had a venting session with Jenny last night about how it is so annoyingly complicated in the dating world. I try to give guys the “hint” that perhaps I’m interested and it seems they either don’t feel the same, don’t care or don’t get it. My friend Sarah says I don’t give anything close to hints. What I think screams – ASK ME OUT – actually says to the typical male – man, you are a great friend and I am going about my life as a strong woman who needs no one. Not at all the thought I want out there. It seems most friends now who hear me mentioning potential interest find it necessary to make the first comment out of their mouths – do NOT go to the friend zone on this one. I don’t know what I do wrong but whatever.

Well screw this. I’m frustrated and tired of not being read correctly, of not knowing what I can do to make things different, of not finding a guy that’s strong enough to just take a chance so I’m giving up. Well not really but I got a marriage proposal today and I just might say yes. OK – so not really but it did make my day none the less.

His name is Dick Sanderson. He had a birthday on Monday and turned a mere 78 years old. I love him. I know Dick from Rotary. He and I got matched up to be part of the “band” our current president wanted us to start. He plays guitar and sings and is used to being the leader. I think I fell in love with Dick when at one rehearsal, which I was leading mind you, I requested that he do something a specific way. He nodded and smiled at me and went back to doing things the way he wanted to. Then he just came over and gave me a hug and continued to do it his way for the remainder of our rehearsal and performance. The hug made it all ok and after that we became fast friends.

He called me at home a couple months ago on a Saturday morning and asked me if I had plans for Saturday evening. It turned out his band, The Rhythm Riders, was playing their last gig at a nursing home in Lynnwood. I couldn’t resist. I went and sat front row. Ralph was there also and he was taking photos so I have this one to share with you.

It was awesome. Dick very clearly loved the fact I was there and would sing to me much of the time. The nursing home people loved him and his band. He didn’t hesitate to use his humor to satisfy and entertain the crowd and I loved it. I can’t wait to be 78 so I can be as self-assured and content with where I am in life.

Dick did ask me today when we are getting married. I smiled and told him I was ready when he was. He said he had to check with his wife first.

New Years Resolution Update

2008-04-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

I took and passed the class to get my motorcycly endorsement this weekend. It was a lot of fun. I now have the definite bug. I need Nate to get a new battery on the bike so I can start riding it. Why is it that every new "hobby" is so expensive? I bought a helmet but now I need the rest of the "gear". Evan told me I can't just ride in a tank. Rude. haha Now all we need is some consistant good weather. Some of the guys in the class live nearby and have already started emailing about rides. This could get fun and interesting.