Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Tune Tuesday - happy birthday Adam

Happy Birthday to the sexiest man alive.  In honor of your big day here is my favorite Maroon 5 song (so much so it was my ringtone when I called SHF).  I listened to it on my walk in the sunshine today and it always brings a goofy grin to my face.

I hope to see you again this year (and no getting rained out this time!).

Monday, March 10, 2014

My "friend" in bavaro

I was recently catching up on a friend and fellow bloggers blog and she wrote something that struck me. 

I've been hesitant to even write about this...fear of jinxing myself starts to creep into my head. But then as a Christian I know that I shouldn't believe in the concept that saying something will then cause something bad to happen - that would go against the belief that God is in control. But I digress.
Ahhh those words that I had read on her blog before but that hit me today for whatever reason.  I've been holding back on kind of a big thing that's been going on in my life, for many reasons but also, after reflection on the situation, because of fear.  The close everyday people in my life know what has been going on but many outside of that small group have been in the dark.  I've been slowly revealing what's going on to people but I've been really nervous about divulging too much and I've sort of realized it's because of exactly what Phinney Girl wrote in her blog - I'm afraid I'll jinx it.  I'm having a tough time trusting the situation.  And yet I want to tell everyone.  I want to write about it every day.  I want to brag on social media.

So here goes:

I'm pregnant.

Oh wait - no, that's Phinney Girl.

BUT I do have a really cute boyfriend who I have fallen pretty hard in love with. (Seems a little anticlimactic now.  Maybe I should have skipped the pregnancy tease.)  The tough part is he's Dominican.  You might have guessed that given the title of this blog entry (if you read my other entries).  A friend of mine who I told about him recently said she wasn't surprised at all that I would fall in love in the Dominican Republic.  She said for me to go to The DR and fall so completely in love with the people and everything going on down there it seemed almost impossible that I wouldn't. 

SM and I met in October (a fun story which you have actually read a lot of on here - I just left out the kissing.  I'll add in the kissing in a later entry. haha) and it was a pretty immediate thing (as in five hours after my arrival - so much for my resolution on the way down there that time to not fall for any Dominican Man Tricks) which during the last five months I've expected to go away.  I've been having a tough time trusting it is actually a real thing.  I never thought this would be my story.  I have never wanted a long distance relationship.  I have never wanted a relationship with a person who doesn't speak the same native language as I do.  I have never wanted a relationship that is just sort of difficult.  Not us, we are easy, almost too easy, but the circumstances are tough.  There are some big cultural differences that were really difficult for me this last trip down.  Immigration is RIDICULOUS.  I really just want to get him here for a visit and there has been roadblock after roadblock from the United States side of things.  It's frustrating but I love the guy so what can I do?

That "L" word or "Q" word in Spanish.  It has loomed large in our relationship since the beginning.  SM is Latino and feels deeply with great emotion.  It's actually one of the things I really love about him.  He said he was in love with me before I left the DR in October but this wasn't something I was ready to feel and express in return.  I'm one to fall quickly usually but this time I've been really hesitant and not all that optimistic.  I have blamed it on the distance and other practical difficulties; Club A blames it on SHF.  After some reflection I think we are both right.  I don't quite trust SM to not hurt me.  It isn't anything he's done and I realize that.  The pain that was caused by SHF hasn't quite left my consciousness.  I think I would be stupid to not at least keep it in mind but I also know I need to fight the fear that creeps in.  With great risk comes great reward, but also risk of great loss.  If I let SHF steal the joy this wonderful man brings to my life I let him win again.  That's something I am not willing to allow.

So I'm trying really hard to push through the fear and just trust that this man who loves me and who I can say comfortably now I have fallen in love with as well is for real.  I am not stupid - I've tackled the issue many of you may be thinking about right now as concerned and loving friends and I can say with utmost certainty this is not a "green card relationship".  SM gets offended when I mention that people think about that and I can't say I blame him but I also know I went there and it took some good "sussing out" to really get to a point where I have been able to move beyond that concern.  No Dominican Man Tricks from him.  He's legit.

We spent the last weekend I was in The DR in February in Bavaro.  I had no idea at the time I was making the plans just how important for our relationship the time outside of Santo Domingo would become.  That time really solidified who SM is and who I am with him.  It makes it just that much more difficult to be over 3500 miles away.  I'm thankful for the technology that has allowed us to be in contact basically every day since we met in October but it isn't quite the same as being able to lean over and kiss him square on the mouth. Those moments in our story have to be far apart in time for now.

I go back to Barahona in June if God puts the team together I'm praying for.  I'm hopeful SM will get to spend some of the week there as well.  I want him to meet my kids and see the program I've fallen as deeply in love with as I have him.  I hope to stay a few extra days after the team leaves to have some time together.  After that it's up to The Plan.  Who knows what's in store but I never expected this to be part of my life's story in the first place so I have to believe God is big enough to take care of it if it is right. 

Trust.  I've never had an issue with that concept before.  Why start now?