Thursday, August 29, 2013

Contentment in the tornado

con·tent·ment [kuhn-tent-muhnt]
1. the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.
2. Archaic. the act of making contentedly satisfied.

In the last few months it's felt like there has been a lot of upheaval in my life.  My integrity was questioned by a number of individuals who are close to me. It was bothersome, especially because I believe it was unfounded, and it made me feel a little like my life was getting turned upside down.  I felt as though many of the people who I thought knew me the best and had my back didn't know me at all.  That idea was dismissed by a friend I expressed it to a couple of months ago but last week when a friend from Seattle was here and we were discussing things she, without pause, stated "well they don't know you at all".  It felt good to have the affirmation from someone who has known me for almost ten years that I wasn't off base in feeling what I was feeling but it didn't make me feel any better about where I'm at and the muck I've been walking through, exhaustedly, the last few months.

When KS was here last weekend and I talked to her about what had been going on she expressed that it seems weird/brutal of God that it would be necessary to take my entire support system away if his intent was to make me move.  I agree with her sentiment.  I don't know if that's really the "why" behind the events but it does make me wonder if that's the reason for my support system in town coming apart at the seams (or moving away - eh hem AZA).      

Within, these changes and frustrations I've had to look for ways to find contentment, things that help to ease my mind and give me satisfaction.  A lot of that has come through keeping a push on DR stuff.  I've been very busy planning my next trip, which consists of a visit to my kiddos but also a week of intensive language school and water project work for Rotary.  I find great satisfaction in my Rotary work and it's been something I've pushed into at times when I've felt sad or alone for whatever reason.  I know I've been called to help down there and fulfilling that call is satisfying and energy giving.      

 I've also focused on some different people in my life.  I stepped back and asked myself who reaches out and who I share similar life with.  My involvement with those people has increased.  That's been hard at times because there are people I used to spend a lot of time with that I hardly have seen but I have spent a lot of life being a willing "fall guy" to keep peace and I can't be content in that any longer.  If I do something wrong, I always try to take the blame and responsibility for my part of the action, but I'm tired of being the only one who does so.  I guarantee you, if there is something in a relationship that goes wrong or feels off, you aren't blameless in the scenario.  If someone apologizes to you and you don't in turn find a piece of the conflict (if that's not to strong of a word) that belongs to you, look again.  I'm tired of being hurt by people who never take any part of the hurt so I'm not going to do it anymore.     

 There's no contentment in a broken heart when you aren't the only one who should be broken and it's stifled my usual great ability to forgive.     

I'm really questioning what these circumstances are supposed to mean.  I don't know why many of the people closest to me all decided to kind of take a crap on me all at once.  It could be I'm not supposed to be completely content here because God has a door he's opening elsewhere.  Or maybe he's pushing me to find a different support system for some reason.  I'm fumbling through and fixing things within myself as best I can.     

OK - on with your day.  I'm done venting.

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