Monday, December 31, 2012

When you lose your person

It's been an interesting few days to say the least.  I've drafted this blog entry in my head about 10 times and each time it comes out a little differently.  Sometimes it has too much detail.  Sometimes it has too much anger.  Sometimes I become a puddle.  I guess that's to be expected for a while.

I went from processing and sadness to complete anger on Friday when I learned some information and was given some wise words that opened my eyes to a different perspective on the situation.  Anger was a very good spot for me for a few days.  My steps forward became less shaky. 

I was able to get to a place where I can focus on the good stuff that has happened for the last few months.  I can laugh about him falling out of his chair, rapping to me, ribbon dancing on the Wii, being a "wump", cuddles and kisses, lazy mornings and late nights together and on the phone.  Laughter, lots of laughter.  That's all good.  I can listen to Maroon 5 with no problem again.  To me, that will always be a bit of the soundtrack of our relationship. 

There have been times though when things have happened that have made me sad.  I've needed his help putting my Christmas decorations away - something he told me he would help me with.  I came across the tile I keep in my bathroom where I write lists when things come to mind with his XO on it and that was rough. 

But the best part of the last five days has been realizing that I might have lost my "person" until the next one but my life is FILLED to the brim with "persons".  My phone has not stopped buzzing/chiming/ringing.  My doorstep has been filled with friends.  My email has exploded.  My dad came over and helped put the Christmas stuff away.  Requests for lunch, dinner, happy hour, watching the game, movies, etc have literally not stopped.

My heart is empty and overflowing at the same time.

The timing of all of this sucked.  My Christmas was robbed of it's usual joy but it's only one Christmas.  It comes again and it has reminded me that I can't count on a specific day to be joyful - I should be joyful at all times.  It also was a very good reminder that I can't count on people for my joy.  That's something that only the most steadfast relationship can consistently give me with no fear.  That's something that comes from my relationship with God.

Learning all of this and being human can be hard.  I'm still in a bit of shock that this has happened and I know my emotions will be up and down.  My anger has mostly subsided as I've reached a place of better understanding.  I'm taking steps forward.  I'd forgotten that a broken heart actually has physical pain but even that has subsided at this point.  I've lived through this before and been fine.  I'll get through this again.

With the amazing help of all of my people.


Jessica said...

Love you Sister.

Eimile said...

Aww sweetie. My heart just breaks for you. There's really no worse feeling in the world than a broken heart. Praying that you find joy in this new year.

Trisha Mouton said...

Your strength while dealing with heartbreak is admirable, you're a true role model to a teen like myself. I pray that 2013 holds jubilation and laughter in your life