Thursday, December 06, 2012

Risk>Reward or my life in graphs

My church is currently doing a series where love>X (sin, hate, world etc).  It has me thinking in equations and graphs which given my general dislike of math is really sort of perplexing. 

The last couple weeks I've found myself considering cost/benefit of many things in my life.  My time is very full and free time has become limited.  It's a part of this time of year that I actually love (the opportunity to spend time with people I care about without having to have any excuse other than just "it's Christmas time") but it also means having to decide what of all the opportunities presented are the most valuable.  That analysis goes something like this:


I've also been thinking about my relationship with SHF in a similar fashion.  The more I know him and am with him the more I remember the risks involved with caring for someone.  Time increases the probability of getting hurt by that person as feelings have time to be fostered and grow deeper.


The same can be said for my likelihood of freaking out and deciding to run away to avoid being hurt.  Putting trust in someone else to not cause you hurt when they have that power is a scary thing.  I've never been given a reason to believe caring for someone in a romantic way won't lead to hurt.  I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time will prove to be different but there have been recent times when I have gotten very afraid, mostly because I feel myself learning to rely on and care deeply for him.  These are both very good things, and I feel as though the trust is well placed, but it also realistically begins to look like this in my head:


Along with the feeling of running however (and thankfully) comes the inability to do so.  The idea of making a decision that would take SHF out of my life at this point is devastating.  That's a really strong word but I think it is fairly accurate.  And scary.


As with anything there are times when I feel very confident in where we are.  Those are the times when my "tank" is completely full.  There have also been times when I wonder.  Times when I'm scared.  Times when I'm resting easy.  Times when I'm fretting. 


So - to sum it all up, men, this is what is going on in a fairly typical woman's brain. 


It can be a scary place in here.  I don't envy you men having to put up with the craziness but also, be patient with us.  When we act like a crazy person and you can't figure out what has made things go a little haywire just know that REALLY what's happening is what is depicted above.  You try to make things make sense with all that going on!

1 comment:

tlaw said...

I like your humor haha