Monday, December 31, 2012

When you lose your person

It's been an interesting few days to say the least.  I've drafted this blog entry in my head about 10 times and each time it comes out a little differently.  Sometimes it has too much detail.  Sometimes it has too much anger.  Sometimes I become a puddle.  I guess that's to be expected for a while.

I went from processing and sadness to complete anger on Friday when I learned some information and was given some wise words that opened my eyes to a different perspective on the situation.  Anger was a very good spot for me for a few days.  My steps forward became less shaky. 

I was able to get to a place where I can focus on the good stuff that has happened for the last few months.  I can laugh about him falling out of his chair, rapping to me, ribbon dancing on the Wii, being a "wump", cuddles and kisses, lazy mornings and late nights together and on the phone.  Laughter, lots of laughter.  That's all good.  I can listen to Maroon 5 with no problem again.  To me, that will always be a bit of the soundtrack of our relationship. 

There have been times though when things have happened that have made me sad.  I've needed his help putting my Christmas decorations away - something he told me he would help me with.  I came across the tile I keep in my bathroom where I write lists when things come to mind with his XO on it and that was rough. 

But the best part of the last five days has been realizing that I might have lost my "person" until the next one but my life is FILLED to the brim with "persons".  My phone has not stopped buzzing/chiming/ringing.  My doorstep has been filled with friends.  My email has exploded.  My dad came over and helped put the Christmas stuff away.  Requests for lunch, dinner, happy hour, watching the game, movies, etc have literally not stopped.

My heart is empty and overflowing at the same time.

The timing of all of this sucked.  My Christmas was robbed of it's usual joy but it's only one Christmas.  It comes again and it has reminded me that I can't count on a specific day to be joyful - I should be joyful at all times.  It also was a very good reminder that I can't count on people for my joy.  That's something that only the most steadfast relationship can consistently give me with no fear.  That's something that comes from my relationship with God.

Learning all of this and being human can be hard.  I'm still in a bit of shock that this has happened and I know my emotions will be up and down.  My anger has mostly subsided as I've reached a place of better understanding.  I'm taking steps forward.  I'd forgotten that a broken heart actually has physical pain but even that has subsided at this point.  I've lived through this before and been fine.  I'll get through this again.

With the amazing help of all of my people.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Adentures in dating - the end of this chapter

Because people will be wondering.  Because people care about me.

SHF and I broke up last night. 

Yes, I'm sad about it.  Yes, I wish the outcome was different.

Yes, I'll be ok.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

It's the end of the world as we know it

The Mayans have declared today at some point the world will cease to exist.  Well, their calendar will cease to exist anyway.  My lunch crew at work has been anticipating this day for a number of months now.  It has lead us down many rabbit trails in our often animated and all over the place conversations.  I'm not sure that any of us truly think today is the final day on this earth but when that seed gets planted your mind does go to some interesting places.

I have a project at work I'm dreading.  It is going to wait until tomorrow.  Just in case.

I've also been thinking some about how crazy my life has been since Thanksgiving.  It's been insane.  I have had a party (or two) every day for the last week and a half and before that I had one about every other day.  I'm ready for things to slow down a little bit.  I'm looking forward to some days out of town.  BUT I also started thinking about if time does end today I won't have wasted a moment of the last three or more weeks.  I have seen people I need to see, sometimes more than once.  I've given hugs and smiles and spread cheer to people I care about.  I've danced and laughed, eaten good food and had to much to drink. 

If the world is going to end I think now is a good time for it to happen.

I'm guessing you won't hear from me next week.  I am planning on some days to relax and enjoy the holiday.  I really hope to have a day or two where I have time to take Miss Moxie on a walk.  I'm excited to see Chris and Adrienne and have a night in Plain, WA with Kathy and Greg.  I have a ton of reading to catch up on.  It sounds about perfect.

Merry Christmas to those of you I won't have a chance to see and tell in person.  I pray the holiday will be filled with warmth and love.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

One of God's greatest blessings

As any of you who have been reading my blog for some time know, I am blessed by being surrounded by and loved by an incredible group of friends.  When I moved to Spokane almost three years ago I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to create a group of friends that would support me or love me in the way I have been loved and supported my entire life.  I had the comfort and stability of my family in town but I didn't know what God had in store for me in the friend department. 

Little did I know he had BIG things in store - as he always seems to for me.

Within a very short period of time I was introduced to a girl I work with who I'll refer to as TF.  We met originally volunteering for a fundraiser for Cancer Patient Care.  I also met another coworker that day who decided I was fun enough to be invited to the monthly internal "networking" event she organized with other USB employees.  TF was good friends with her and a regular attender at happy hour. 

My initial impression of TF was that she was one of the most true and honest women I had ever met.  I knew then and continue to know now that if TF says it, it is truth.  That's an impression I wish people had of me and I've learned a lot through our years of friendship about what it looks like to be an ethical person in all facets of life.

TF has been there for me when I have been a mess.  She is my Wii buddy, my budding wine drinking buddy/victim (here - see if you like THIS one) and the source of many side splitting laugh attacks.  She's my IM companion all day pretty much everyday, my Rite Aid, library, mall walking companion and someone who knows day to day things about me that a lot of people just don't.

My Spokane life would be missing something without her.  I have no doubt she is a lifer.  Our friendship is going to continue to grow as we move through this sometimes messy but always joyous life we live.
Big hugs TF.  You are an example to me everyday.

No stop being self-conscious about the praise and appreciation and get back on IM. 

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Risk>Reward or my life in graphs

My church is currently doing a series where love>X (sin, hate, world etc).  It has me thinking in equations and graphs which given my general dislike of math is really sort of perplexing. 

The last couple weeks I've found myself considering cost/benefit of many things in my life.  My time is very full and free time has become limited.  It's a part of this time of year that I actually love (the opportunity to spend time with people I care about without having to have any excuse other than just "it's Christmas time") but it also means having to decide what of all the opportunities presented are the most valuable.  That analysis goes something like this:

I've also been thinking about my relationship with SHF in a similar fashion.  The more I know him and am with him the more I remember the risks involved with caring for someone.  Time increases the probability of getting hurt by that person as feelings have time to be fostered and grow deeper.

The same can be said for my likelihood of freaking out and deciding to run away to avoid being hurt.  Putting trust in someone else to not cause you hurt when they have that power is a scary thing.  I've never been given a reason to believe caring for someone in a romantic way won't lead to hurt.  I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time will prove to be different but there have been recent times when I have gotten very afraid, mostly because I feel myself learning to rely on and care deeply for him.  These are both very good things, and I feel as though the trust is well placed, but it also realistically begins to look like this in my head:

Along with the feeling of running however (and thankfully) comes the inability to do so.  The idea of making a decision that would take SHF out of my life at this point is devastating.  That's a really strong word but I think it is fairly accurate.  And scary.

As with anything there are times when I feel very confident in where we are.  Those are the times when my "tank" is completely full.  There have also been times when I wonder.  Times when I'm scared.  Times when I'm resting easy.  Times when I'm fretting. 

So - to sum it all up, men, this is what is going on in a fairly typical woman's brain. 

It can be a scary place in here.  I don't envy you men having to put up with the craziness but also, be patient with us.  When we act like a crazy person and you can't figure out what has made things go a little haywire just know that REALLY what's happening is what is depicted above.  You try to make things make sense with all that going on!