Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Adventures in dating

I'm 34 years old. I shouldn't have to write a post about the annoyances of the dating world. I know I'm not alone in that but boy, what a pain. I hate dating. Every first date feels a bit like an interview (even the good ones) and then the follow up of - "Do we get together again?" "Did I say anything stupid (actually in my case that's usually how MUCH did I say that was stupid)?" "Am I even interested in seeing him again?" And of course the dreaded "he wants to see me again and I have no desire so how do I break it to him?" It's enough to make you want to just hide under a rock.


I think you are supposed to date in your 20s when your energy is higher and your schedule is a bit lighter and more malleable. I've been asked if I can set things up spontaneously. HA! I can be spontaneous two weeks from now when I actually have some time on my calendar, but there is a potential that might fill up so it really will be three weeks from now and perhaps the same will happen again. I wish I was the type of person who could go to dinner tonight because the spirit moved me but I'm not. I've been single to long to leave my schedule to chance. That's a quick road to loneliness.

I recently was reluctantly (actually not a strong enough word) talked into going on match.com. Ick. It's almost embarrassing to admit it. As Pete has said, it feels so inorganic to use online dating. If I hadn't been talked into it by some of my lovely neighbors, who were tired of hearing the frustrations I felt over the only person I saw as a possible match and who didn't even live in my time zone, there is no way on my own I would have taken the plunge, but take the plunge I have.

It's been rough meeting people in Spokane who are eligible bachelors. I have a lot of friends who I care for a ton but no one who has turned my head romantically in town for a long time. So I dutifully started looking at Match on occasion. People started emailing me and I made a commitment to respond and to also reach out when I saw someone who seemed to be interesting. I have met guys who wanted to know how I felt about the fact they have a large pot growing operation (but it's medicinal for his mom and he is legally allowed to do it....), been contacted by many who seem to not have read my profile well enough to know that "atheist" is probably not a religious position that is going to work for me, gone on dates with men who were so nice and funny and fun to be with but who also I wasn't attracted to and I've also gone out with men who I wanted to see the next day.

To my greatest surprise I guess you could cautiously say I'm currently "dating" someone who I met on Match. RG was actually my first Match date. I didn't want to go. I had woken up in the morning and not given a second thought to the date and what I was wearing. It was a midday date on a weekday and I had just been yelled at for about 15 minutes by an angry client. From his picture I didn't think I would be attracted to him at all. I walked over to where we were meeting distracted and annoyed that I was taking the time out of my day that would end up just being a waste of time. I had to wait for him a few minutes to get to the coffee shop so I was checking my email and texting Erin when a couple people walked in. I looked at them, a guy and a girl, and checked them off as neither of them being RG (one for being a woman and one for not looking like the guy on Match) but then it turned out the man actually WAS him. My first thought was "Oh crap. He's hot."

I took a deep breath and plunged in. I figured he'd be a creep. He wasn't. I figured he be lazy. He wasn't. I figured his faith would be weak. It wasn't.

I figured we would have nothing in common. We have plenty in common, but not too much. I figured he'd have baggage. He does. I figured we would disagree on major philosophies. We do to some extent but not in a bad way.

He fell out of his chair during that first date as he tried to adjust a sock or something. My heart melted a lot when that happened. If he does that stuff then I don't have to worry about it when I do - because I do. A lot.

I walked out of the date and immediately texted Erin - "ok. he was really nice." I wanted to see him again but I also knew I was going to let him be the one to pursue. I didn't have enough of an investment to put myself out there. He said he wanted to see me again but "knowing guys" that was just a phrase you say. Three days later he reached out again. Of course, three days later. Just when I was getting to my annoyed "stupid three day rule" stage. I hate the three day rule. It's pointless. I don't know that he was necessarily going by that but it sure felt like it. So we talked about going hiking or something active and outside to take advantage of the end of the summer but nothing set in stone and then I heard nothing.

Crickets.

For over a week.

In the meantime I went out with a few people but no one who I really wanted to see again. I wrote RG off. It was frustrating but again, I had no skin in the game at that point so I knew I had to just let it go. But then, of course, he called. I say of course because I already spoiled the punch line by letting you know we were still dating. It would be really annoying if I was telling you all of this detail and it wasn't RG I was still seeing.

What sort of blogger do you think I am!? Playing with your emotions like that. Sheesh.

Anyway, so we had a nice visit on the phone and went out for dinner a couple days later. And it was a nice dinner and a walk through Manitou Park after. And I wanted to see him again the next day. We joked about playing hooky but please see above about my ability to be spontaneous.

Since then I've communicated with him most days. We are going out again tonight. It's still extremely new and we have some stuff to figure out obviously. The kids, while not a deal breaker for me, create a tougher situation with time and my feelings of "priority" and I'm sure there are other things that will come up as we begin to get to know each other at a deeper level. It's the reason why I say "you could CAUTIOUSLY say I'm dating someone." My birthday is coming up in about a month and I have HORRIBLE luck with dating relationships around my birthday. It's a bit of a jinx.

I wouldn't be surprised at all to find things fall apart completely in the next month.

But then again, maybe they won't.  Maybe online dating won't be so pointless afterall.

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