Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Heart That's Broken Into Pieces

I've been doing a lot of traveling the last couple of months.  It's been a lot of fun and has included the left coast, the right coast and the middle coast which isn't a coast at all.  Each of these trips has included time with at least one someone who is of the utmost importance in my life.

I spent a week in Cape Cod with Erin and Daniel.

I spent three hours on the way home from Cape Cod with Adrienne and Chris.

I spent a weekend in MN with Jodi (and bun in the oven), Sarah, Jenny, Kristen and other people who tug at my heart.

I spent a weekend in Seattle with a bunch of my Seattle buddies including much needed and long overdue time with Sweet Pete, good time with Kirstin, brief encounters with Phinney Girl and Mr.P, Brandon and Becca, Suzannah and Brian, Heidi and Aaron (and brand spanking new little Greta - what a blessing the timing of that was!), Jason, John and some great time with Erin and Molly.

Today I am back to work with no travel in the near future.  I'm doing some local travel instead by spending a week at the lake with my family.  I'm equally excited for that trip as I was for the trips listed above.

Unfortunately, I'm also a little wrecked.

Returning from some of these trips have been a little distressing.  In particular, my trip back from Minnesota left me breathlessly sad.  It is the first time in a very long time that I have been moved to tears as I was leaving somewhere.  I'm always torn about Minnesota and my ties there.  For a long time I longed to go back and then I settled into a comfortable place in the Northwest and while I missed my friends the tug was a little gentler.  Recently though, I've gotten less content in Spokane.  I believe it takes at least two years for a place to feel like home and I've been in Spokane for two and a half years now and still feel like I'm perhaps just passing through.  That's a tough realization because I have friends here who I love like crazy and my family is here.  It would be tough to leave my family.  It took over a year before I started saying I was going home when I was returning to Spokane.  I checked myself last weekend when I found myself reverting back to saying I was going back to Spokane rather than going "home".

I had some time commuting on a ferry yesterday and I always get a bit introspective on the water.  I started thinking about why I felt sad recently.  I was struck with the realization that my heart really is torn and spread across this globe. 

Part of it is in Spokane.

Part of it is in Seattle.

Part of it is in California (or wherever else Erin has traveled).

Part of it is in Colorado.

Part of it is in Minnesota.  A big part of it is in Minnesota.

The rest of it is scattered across the globe - Sweden, Amsterdam, London and many other domestic locations.

It's no wonder I don't feel like I can commit my heart to Spokane.  It is pulled in so many other directions.  I love that we can be so mobile and it is easy to get places to see people and experience other areas of the world but right now it has left me a bit shattered. 

"We were used to her wandering, never wandered too far away. She always came back home, no problem, but that day, she didn't come back."

-Holly Webb


Miss Buckley said...

Hi Chica,

Just got back from my canoe trip in Canada and had a chance to read your post. I'm so sorry you feel so divided--we would love to have you back in MN if that is where God leads you. But in the meantime, know you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Love you! Hope to see you in Oct!

Love to you always!!

Miss Buckley said...

Hi Chica,

I just got back from my canoe trip to Canada. I'm glad I got to read your post--sorry your heart feels so divided--you are just such an amazing person we all want a piece of you. But wherever God leads you, you are never far from my thoughts and prayers!

Love you always!