Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Well that Hurts - Prayers and Praises

I spent a couple hours today with DH and his new lady SG at an after work, work function. It was a pretty painful thing to do. She's not the most bright person and she's twenty years younger than him with a best friend who is 25 years younger than him. She is much closer in age to his son than to him. I stayed as long as I could handle it but once conversation turned to them doing the things he and I had talked about doing I had to leave. It was enough. I have more respect for myself than that. I met his buddy T who I had heard so much about and have really wanted to meet for the past few months. Meeting him confirmed that I've been used by DH for the last few months and that I really didn't mean to him what he led me to believe. "Look me in they eye DH - I know you lied to me about who I've been to you for the last eight months." F you. T had never heard of me because why would you tell your best guy friend about a girl who "knows you better than almost anyone else"? T talked mostly to me, but of course he did. I was the only person at the event that was 15 years or closer to his age. I can't respect T for not having higher expectations for DH but I do appreciate the fact he is a good friend to him even if maybe he isn't the best one. I feel more than a little numb about DH right now. I'm not angry, I'm sad but I'm also apathetic. It's time to move on.

I said goodbye to DH's dog who loves me and sticks close to me when I'm around. I don't foresee that I will ever see him again.

I was told by God very loudly on multiple occasions the three or four weeks before this all went down that I needed to move on. Each time I heard it I told him I would.......just not quite yet. I feel sad that I didn't listen and obey when I was hearing so clearly from God that I needed to. My disobedience again led to further pain. When will I learn?

For the last couple of weeks I've fallen back into a question I used to ask myself in college a lot. That question is: if I died today, who would come to my funeral? It isn't that I want to have a funeral. It's that I wonder who feels I am important enough to come remember. I think a funeral is the ultimate expression of what you did while you were alive. I often ask myself if I am living in such a way to leave a mark on the people around me. The last two weeks I've worried that DH wouldn't come to my funeral. After tonight I hope he wouldn't. I guess maybe I have a bit of anger in there.

I've been dealing with some significant hip pain for the last four months. It's finally been diagnosed and I'm going to see a bone and joint specialist on October 4th. It would be wonderful if you all (if you are praying types) could pray for pain free days until then and wisdom for the doctors. I'm very nervous I will have to have surgery but I'm also worn out from the constant pain.

I'm in the process of negotiating for another house. I really like this one. It couldn't get much better actually but I really do think it is going to take a miracle to make the seller have a realistic picture of what she can get for her house in this market. I was praying about it on the way home tonight. I know God can make miracles happen and I really think that is what this is going to take. Please pray he'll make a miracle happen for me.

Finally, a HUGE praise. Tonight after I left DH's house I had to pull over and cry for a bit, try to pull myself together for the next event of the evening. I got a text message as I was pulled over from a new friend from my Wednesday night small group. She told me she is trying to find me a cheep ticket to the fair and that she had postponed going so she could go with me on Thursday without me even asking. One of the things I've been praying for is a good girl friend. Teah and I have spent some time together and I really like her. I'm very hopeful that God has put her in my life as an answer to that prayer. Her timing tonight with her text couldn't have been any better. She made me realize it was OK to walk away from all parts of my relationship with DH. It's too painful to watch someone you love self-destruct. I'm not going to watch that so Teah is a definite answer to prayer. My goal for the rest of the week is to continue to look for more of those answers.

I think I'm taking a day tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

I used to worry about the number of people who attend my funeral too. My mother died three days after I turned 16 and there were hundreds of people at her memorial. That always amazed me. However, in time you'll find that it doesn't matter who attends your funeral. It doesn't reflect on what kind of life you've led. Stop thinking about the end of your life, and start living the life you have. Be in the moment. I came across your blog and wanted to leave this message... just so you know someone cruised by (and cared). Love the compass gift from your parents too. All the best... a fellow blogger.

Michelle said...

Yeah I have wondered about the funeral thing too. When my dad died I didn't think many people would come because he was not a social person. Well, at the wake there were actually a lot of ppl. Like old high school friends of his, relatives I didn't know we had, and people who did not know my dad but knew me so they came to give me support. I think it somethimes hurts these people who were never around to enjoy the person who is now dead. They realize what they lost or forgot. Sometimes people don't know what they had until its gone. In the end it doesnt matter, the main thing is the joy you had living your life which I am sure you have a lot of living to do! :) Great blog!!