Thursday, September 09, 2010

It Seems I'm Still In A Sticky Situation

The question has now become: how many times do I reach out, have the door slammed in my face and yet still reach out? Things are ridiculous with DH right now. I had a few minutes at lunch with him today where it was only the two of us and he wouldn’t talk to me so I told a random story that had no point and breathed a sigh of relief when two other friends joined us. I reached out again this afternoon and got no response. Zero. Ignored. Message deleted. I don’t really know what happened. I feel as though I’m the one who was wronged in the situation and yet I’ve moved on, moved forward and he is the one who acts like he has a chip on his shoulder. Guess what “friend” – I’m not going away. Get used to it. No matter how many times you break my heart, until you give me a reason for your odd and hurtful behavior I’m going to be an annoying reminder of how immature you are being.

I’ve learned a really valuable lesson in all of this really. It’s about communication. I’m probably overly communicative. It comes along with being female I think but I’m in touch with my feelings and emotions and really have very little problem expressing them. Odds are I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had just kept my mouth shut about how I was feeling two weeks ago but I would still be mad and hurt and wouldn’t have moved on. Instead I’ve moved to a good place about the situation, just not a good place about DH’s and my relationship. DH on the other hand clearly isn’t as good at this communication stuff. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Yet he won’t tell me what it is. Instead he is stewing and keeping things from me and it is very sad. My guess is it would be solvable if the problem was put on the table and we both could have the friends back that I know I miss. I’m guessing he feels the missing friendship as well. He told me two weeks ago I know (knew) him better than almost anyone else in his life. You can’t help but miss that if it isn’t there. I feel the same about him and I know I feel the vacancy.

I keep praying that he will just open up to me and tell me what the issue is because this is getting on the ridiculous side. I’m terrified he’ll never do that; my heart will end up too broken to continue to pursue the friendship and I’ll lose what’s become so important to me the past eight months.

Do I sit down and force the issue again? Do I make myself realize this is probably the reason for his failed relationships in the past and things will never change and give up? How much abuse do you take before it isn’t worth it? Do I write the email I’m dying to write:

Dear DH:

I’m not going anywhere. If you want to face whatever issue is lingering and move beyond it I’m here to do that. Keep pushing away and it will only make me push forward. Let’s face what’s there and move beyond it for the benefit of both of us.

Forever your friend unless you tell me why I’m not,

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