Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Stay True To Your Course

There is a compass on my desk that was a gift from my parents when I graduated from college (ten years ago – scary). On it is a small gold plaque that says “Stay True To Your Course.” It’s been a good and gentle reminder for the last ten years. I purposely keep it where I can see it on a very regular basis.

Even with it in an obvious place I sometimes forget. I find myself drifting to a place I never intended to go. I think these are the times when I decide to follow my own ideas instead of listening to God’s nudging. I’ve actually had prayer time when I’ve said “I hear what you are telling me God but I want to go down this other road instead” or as is the most recent case “I hear you and I will obey, but not yet.”

Those two specific times I’m thinking of have led to the most painful and tear filled times in my life.

How does one make decisions that gets them so off course when they know specifically what choices should be made? It’s that human tendency toward sin I think. It’s hard at times to not be of the world, make decisions that give earthly gratification but perhaps not heavenly gains. Sometimes that immediate payoff is hard to pass up but if we are truly living for the Glory of God our focus should be upward and toward the future instead of the immediate and horizontal.

I think I take over the rudder in steering the course because I think I found a more direct path; one that would get me to my goal in a more expedited fashion. I’ve found though that my seemingly quicker route leads inevitably through a route with menacing sharks and rough waters.

This summer my Bible study leaders from Seattle raced their sailboat from Vancouver Canada to Maui, HI. They were one of, if not the smallest boats in the race and they won. They were the fastest boat to get to Maui. I think they are one of the smallest boats to ever get the fastest time in the history of the race.

It was a grand lesson in perseverance. Susan broke her ribs on about the third day. Scott was seasick almost the entire race but they stayed on their course and made it to Maui. I think the injuries and illness made them even more focused on the goal and had them looking for the most direct, wind pushed course.

Perhaps that’s the reason God allows me to steer off course on occasion. Those injuries should make me focus on the joy and health that exist when God has his hand on the rudder instead of me.

I’m getting back to my charted course. It’s enough wandering around in the Pacific beating off the sharks with a small, splintered wooden paddle.

I’m tired and my ribs are broken. They’ll heal with time. Especially if I just sit back and rest and let God take over.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Well that Hurts - Prayers and Praises

I spent a couple hours today with DH and his new lady SG at an after work, work function. It was a pretty painful thing to do. She's not the most bright person and she's twenty years younger than him with a best friend who is 25 years younger than him. She is much closer in age to his son than to him. I stayed as long as I could handle it but once conversation turned to them doing the things he and I had talked about doing I had to leave. It was enough. I have more respect for myself than that. I met his buddy T who I had heard so much about and have really wanted to meet for the past few months. Meeting him confirmed that I've been used by DH for the last few months and that I really didn't mean to him what he led me to believe. "Look me in they eye DH - I know you lied to me about who I've been to you for the last eight months." F you. T had never heard of me because why would you tell your best guy friend about a girl who "knows you better than almost anyone else"? T talked mostly to me, but of course he did. I was the only person at the event that was 15 years or closer to his age. I can't respect T for not having higher expectations for DH but I do appreciate the fact he is a good friend to him even if maybe he isn't the best one. I feel more than a little numb about DH right now. I'm not angry, I'm sad but I'm also apathetic. It's time to move on.

I said goodbye to DH's dog who loves me and sticks close to me when I'm around. I don't foresee that I will ever see him again.

I was told by God very loudly on multiple occasions the three or four weeks before this all went down that I needed to move on. Each time I heard it I told him I would.......just not quite yet. I feel sad that I didn't listen and obey when I was hearing so clearly from God that I needed to. My disobedience again led to further pain. When will I learn?

For the last couple of weeks I've fallen back into a question I used to ask myself in college a lot. That question is: if I died today, who would come to my funeral? It isn't that I want to have a funeral. It's that I wonder who feels I am important enough to come remember. I think a funeral is the ultimate expression of what you did while you were alive. I often ask myself if I am living in such a way to leave a mark on the people around me. The last two weeks I've worried that DH wouldn't come to my funeral. After tonight I hope he wouldn't. I guess maybe I have a bit of anger in there.

I've been dealing with some significant hip pain for the last four months. It's finally been diagnosed and I'm going to see a bone and joint specialist on October 4th. It would be wonderful if you all (if you are praying types) could pray for pain free days until then and wisdom for the doctors. I'm very nervous I will have to have surgery but I'm also worn out from the constant pain.

I'm in the process of negotiating for another house. I really like this one. It couldn't get much better actually but I really do think it is going to take a miracle to make the seller have a realistic picture of what she can get for her house in this market. I was praying about it on the way home tonight. I know God can make miracles happen and I really think that is what this is going to take. Please pray he'll make a miracle happen for me.

Finally, a HUGE praise. Tonight after I left DH's house I had to pull over and cry for a bit, try to pull myself together for the next event of the evening. I got a text message as I was pulled over from a new friend from my Wednesday night small group. She told me she is trying to find me a cheep ticket to the fair and that she had postponed going so she could go with me on Thursday without me even asking. One of the things I've been praying for is a good girl friend. Teah and I have spent some time together and I really like her. I'm very hopeful that God has put her in my life as an answer to that prayer. Her timing tonight with her text couldn't have been any better. She made me realize it was OK to walk away from all parts of my relationship with DH. It's too painful to watch someone you love self-destruct. I'm not going to watch that so Teah is a definite answer to prayer. My goal for the rest of the week is to continue to look for more of those answers.

I think I'm taking a day tomorrow.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

It Seems I'm Still In A Sticky Situation

The question has now become: how many times do I reach out, have the door slammed in my face and yet still reach out? Things are ridiculous with DH right now. I had a few minutes at lunch with him today where it was only the two of us and he wouldn’t talk to me so I told a random story that had no point and breathed a sigh of relief when two other friends joined us. I reached out again this afternoon and got no response. Zero. Ignored. Message deleted. I don’t really know what happened. I feel as though I’m the one who was wronged in the situation and yet I’ve moved on, moved forward and he is the one who acts like he has a chip on his shoulder. Guess what “friend” – I’m not going away. Get used to it. No matter how many times you break my heart, until you give me a reason for your odd and hurtful behavior I’m going to be an annoying reminder of how immature you are being.

I’ve learned a really valuable lesson in all of this really. It’s about communication. I’m probably overly communicative. It comes along with being female I think but I’m in touch with my feelings and emotions and really have very little problem expressing them. Odds are I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had just kept my mouth shut about how I was feeling two weeks ago but I would still be mad and hurt and wouldn’t have moved on. Instead I’ve moved to a good place about the situation, just not a good place about DH’s and my relationship. DH on the other hand clearly isn’t as good at this communication stuff. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Yet he won’t tell me what it is. Instead he is stewing and keeping things from me and it is very sad. My guess is it would be solvable if the problem was put on the table and we both could have the friends back that I know I miss. I’m guessing he feels the missing friendship as well. He told me two weeks ago I know (knew) him better than almost anyone else in his life. You can’t help but miss that if it isn’t there. I feel the same about him and I know I feel the vacancy.

I keep praying that he will just open up to me and tell me what the issue is because this is getting on the ridiculous side. I’m terrified he’ll never do that; my heart will end up too broken to continue to pursue the friendship and I’ll lose what’s become so important to me the past eight months.

Do I sit down and force the issue again? Do I make myself realize this is probably the reason for his failed relationships in the past and things will never change and give up? How much abuse do you take before it isn’t worth it? Do I write the email I’m dying to write:

Dear DH:

I’m not going anywhere. If you want to face whatever issue is lingering and move beyond it I’m here to do that. Keep pushing away and it will only make me push forward. Let’s face what’s there and move beyond it for the benefit of both of us.

Forever your friend unless you tell me why I’m not,
KT