Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fighting Through The Fighting Through

The past couple weeks have not been easy ones for me. I keep telling myself to just buck up, it’s not as bad as it could be but I’ve been sort of in the Chinese Torture Chamber where the water keeps dripping on my head in the same place. Eventually, water is going to make it into my brain and some serious issues are going to be created. Until then, I just listen to the steady knocking on the top of my head and keep praying over the noise of it.

It’s hard in tough times to remember to look for God’s blessings within them. You know somewhere in the far reaches of your brain and in the dark corners of your heart that blessings are there but you’re mad and confused and a lot scared. A lot scared.

A little over a week ago Work (now known as DH – and no that has nothing to do with baseball) and I had a disagreement. I got mad - he didn’t know it, I got my heart broken - he knew it. It’s almost worse actually that there was a fraction of a second that he knew what he was doing would cause me pain and yet it was done anyway. I lashed out at him in anger on Wednesday and it was unfair of me to spring it on him when he was probably not expecting it but I couldn’t walk around with it anymore. We talked things through a bit better later in the day but I still feel uneasy. I tried to reach out and make a mend in the fence this weekend but my effort was ignored. Now I’m really feeling the loss of my friend. I sort of wish I had kept my mouth shut about being hurt but that’s not real honest and I try to live pretty honestly with the people I care the most about.

This weekend I got to thinking about disagreements I’ve had with the people I’ve loved in the past. They are always really scary. For some reason I don’t believe people will stick around. I feel like there will be a fight and that person will be long gone. Sometimes that’s been the case. I remember when Carney and I had our first big fight. I was terrified that he would decide to walk out the door. But he stayed. Our relationship didn’t end because of a fight. It ended because we were two entirely different people and we weren’t meant for each other.

I remember I was driving and we were on the phone when that first fight took place. I remember specifically the moment when I thought I was for sure going to lose him. I was merging onto I-405 going south, probably headed to church. I don’t remember what the fight was about but I remember thinking, “well this is it. I’ve lost him.” But at the end of that conversation he told me he loved me and that he would see me later in the evening.

I was shocked by that. He still loved me and wanted to stay with me even though we had disagreed. I’m sure the fight was about me needing more of his time and to be his priority since that was what we always fought about – that or his timeliness – but I remember I was being demanding. Asking for more from him. In getting through that disagreement and remaining together I learned just because you fight it doesn’t have to mean an end.

I’ve learned that lesson more than once now but I’m still terrified today that I’ve lost the man who has become my closest friend in this city. There are some (Jeanette) who would say that’s a good thing. That perhaps it’s time for me to free up my heart for something else. I feel as though I’m capable of looking at DH with friend eyes and to move forward to some of the opportunities which may have already been presented, but I feel like I’m stuck without my friend and it has broken my heart all over again.

I feel like once again, I need him to reach out and say it’s going to be ok, that our friendship is worth fighting through the fighting through. All I can do is hold my breath and hope. Hope that while he might have had a moment where what I was going to feel didn’t matter, that it was just a temporary thing and he’s missing me just as much as I’m missing him.

That we’re ok.

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