Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fighting Through The Fighting Through

The past couple weeks have not been easy ones for me. I keep telling myself to just buck up, it’s not as bad as it could be but I’ve been sort of in the Chinese Torture Chamber where the water keeps dripping on my head in the same place. Eventually, water is going to make it into my brain and some serious issues are going to be created. Until then, I just listen to the steady knocking on the top of my head and keep praying over the noise of it.

It’s hard in tough times to remember to look for God’s blessings within them. You know somewhere in the far reaches of your brain and in the dark corners of your heart that blessings are there but you’re mad and confused and a lot scared. A lot scared.

A little over a week ago Work (now known as DH – and no that has nothing to do with baseball) and I had a disagreement. I got mad - he didn’t know it, I got my heart broken - he knew it. It’s almost worse actually that there was a fraction of a second that he knew what he was doing would cause me pain and yet it was done anyway. I lashed out at him in anger on Wednesday and it was unfair of me to spring it on him when he was probably not expecting it but I couldn’t walk around with it anymore. We talked things through a bit better later in the day but I still feel uneasy. I tried to reach out and make a mend in the fence this weekend but my effort was ignored. Now I’m really feeling the loss of my friend. I sort of wish I had kept my mouth shut about being hurt but that’s not real honest and I try to live pretty honestly with the people I care the most about.

This weekend I got to thinking about disagreements I’ve had with the people I’ve loved in the past. They are always really scary. For some reason I don’t believe people will stick around. I feel like there will be a fight and that person will be long gone. Sometimes that’s been the case. I remember when Carney and I had our first big fight. I was terrified that he would decide to walk out the door. But he stayed. Our relationship didn’t end because of a fight. It ended because we were two entirely different people and we weren’t meant for each other.

I remember I was driving and we were on the phone when that first fight took place. I remember specifically the moment when I thought I was for sure going to lose him. I was merging onto I-405 going south, probably headed to church. I don’t remember what the fight was about but I remember thinking, “well this is it. I’ve lost him.” But at the end of that conversation he told me he loved me and that he would see me later in the evening.

I was shocked by that. He still loved me and wanted to stay with me even though we had disagreed. I’m sure the fight was about me needing more of his time and to be his priority since that was what we always fought about – that or his timeliness – but I remember I was being demanding. Asking for more from him. In getting through that disagreement and remaining together I learned just because you fight it doesn’t have to mean an end.

I’ve learned that lesson more than once now but I’m still terrified today that I’ve lost the man who has become my closest friend in this city. There are some (Jeanette) who would say that’s a good thing. That perhaps it’s time for me to free up my heart for something else. I feel as though I’m capable of looking at DH with friend eyes and to move forward to some of the opportunities which may have already been presented, but I feel like I’m stuck without my friend and it has broken my heart all over again.

I feel like once again, I need him to reach out and say it’s going to be ok, that our friendship is worth fighting through the fighting through. All I can do is hold my breath and hope. Hope that while he might have had a moment where what I was going to feel didn’t matter, that it was just a temporary thing and he’s missing me just as much as I’m missing him.

That we’re ok.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Give God your Hurts

Rick Warren's darn devotional always talks about exactly what I'm going through. Sheesh.

If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

"For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them."

In your life, you will be hurt by others; sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. How you handle that hurt determines your happiness. When you bottle up hurt in your life and hold onto it - that's called resentment. If somebody hurt you years ago and you're still holding onto it, it will poison your life. For your own health and happiness, you must learn to forgive.

The Bible says forgive and be forgiven. In fact, Jesus says "if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done" (Matthew 6:15 TEV). They're inter-related. It reminds me of the story where someone told John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, "I just can't forgive that person! They hurt me too badly." Wesley's response was, "Then I hope you never sin."

For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of the past. Forgive them and let it go. Get on with life. Forgiveness erases the videotape of that hurt memory that keeps playing over and over in your mind.

When we let go of our hurts and forgive others, we are reflecting the grace of our heavenly Father who forgave us and continues to forgive us. It means we've given God our love; we've given God our lives; and, in doing that, we worship God.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sensing a Pattern

I was thinking recently about the major moves I’ve made in my “adult” life. Really there have only been two non-school related moves. I tend to be pretty steady when I pick a spot and a direction. I’m always open for the call of the wind if need be but my history has had the wind keeping me grounded rather than picking me up and moving me around. I moved to Seattle in 2003 to take the bar exam and start my career. I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends in the area who were my home base. I was also fortunate to meet two girls in my bar review class who became good friends for the summer and a bit of time beyond that. It was just enough support to get me started.

When I worked for the judge I was surrounded by a lot of people more or less my age. My friendships at work started as casual acquaintances and then developed into more meaningful, although frustrating, relationships as I dated and spent more time with people. For the first year they kept me from being lonely. Then right around the same time MFer and I broke up I was invited to a church group with Aaron and Heidi where I found friends and a support group that continues to exist to this day, even across the miles. My friendships at the county slowly dissolved as I moved to a new job at a firm in south county. Some remained longer than others. Some I was happy to move away from. Some I mourned the loss of them in my life.

I moved to Spokane in January of this year. I am very fortunate to have my family here as a support. I made some friends really quickly at work. My expectation is that most of those friendships will last because I have no thought of leaving my awesome job. Things change but for now that’s where I see myself. Now, I’ve found a church and was invited to a small group for 20-30 year olds and I hope that once again I’m going to find a place filled with friends and support.

It will be interesting to see if the pattern from my earlier move continues as I’m seeing it unfold now. I would be happy if it did. I would have liked to avoid the broken heart that I went through in Seattle, and to some extent I think I have for now, but if it all ends up with me as happy as I was there it will be well worth it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm Somewhere In There

Confusion to super confusion. Hopeful to hopeless. Peaceful to distress. To Clarity.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010


The question was posed to me of "are you happy"? It seems like it should have been a fairly easy question to answer - are you happy or are you unhappy. Well, I have joy. But joy is different than happiness. My joy comes from my faith in God. Oddly enough that's a easy question to answer. But am I happy? I'm not content. There are too many things about my life that I would like to see as different to be content. If I was content I would stop growing and my life would become stagnant. It's good to be content to a point but I hope I'm never fully content.

But am I happy? Happy has been defined as "delighted, pleased or glad". Delighted in life is maybe a bit too strong. Pleased in my life? Yes. Glad? Some/most of the time. So does that make me happy? I suppose so. I don't really know what would make me MORE happy other than maybe getting everything I want in life. I don't actually think that would truly make me happy either because usually I think we don't get what we want because God is protecting us from something we can't even see. If I could eat every sweet in the world without being fat I would still be sick from all those sweets. That wouldn't make me happy. Not at all. I'd like to have all the money in the world so I didn't have to worry about finances but then there would be many problems associated with that too. I just know it. (I'd be willing to try it out though if someone is looking to donate to someone) I'd like to have a really expensive car. I would worry about it getting scratched or stolen. I would like to be married. OK - studies do show that married people tend to be happier and I would really like to be married but I KNOW it isn't all ponies and puppy dogs in a marriage. I've seen struggles from my friends and I've been involved in enough divorces in my work life to know it can be ugly.

So am I happy? I can't answer the question. Are you?

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Daydream Tuesday

While cleaning out my purse today I found the Kate Spade "calling card" in the pocket. I opened it up and it had a nice little succinct saying in it that sums up my daydreams on a regular occasion. I've never been to Italy but I sure wouldn't mind going there.

occasionally she dreams of italy.
she dreams of cheese shops, persnickety fiats,
and very fine leather goods.

I've put it up on my cube wall next to my quote that says "Despair Defined". That quote came from an article I was reading about birth defects and how that life experience effects the parents of the babies, especially when caused by medical malpratice. I put it up to remind myself of the compassion I need to have for my clients. Those two things (along with my latest addition - an advertisement from Volvo that says "An Invitation to be Naughty") pretty much sums up my life right now.