Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Chaos

Each one of us is unique but we are being stitched together to form a tapestry, something large that can't be understood until we step back to see the whole thing. At some point we all wake up and then we have to chose. Do we walk in hope believing what God is doing is good or do we stumble around resigning to chaos?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

In My Own Way

I often find that I get into my own way. I over analyze (thank you Jeanette for the talk down last Friday), I get freaked out and then I pull away. For some reason starting yesterday evening I've been doing that. I've got that heavy feeling on my shoulders. I'm second guessing everything I've said or that has been said to me. I'm assuming the worst. I'm negative self-talking. It's really pretty stupid. At the same time I can find no reason to change the thinking. My patience has been pushed for the last four weeks and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be fully honest without repercussions and I'm tired of feeling like I come up a bit short on a regular basis.

On the bright side - it is absolutely gorgeous out. I went for a run last night at 6 and it was still sunny and spring like. The fields around my parents house are starting to green up and my cough is going away. I think Saturday is going to be a good day for a hike.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Patience is a Virtue Right?

Life is interesting right now. I'm in a new job where I'm still learning daily (at least it doesn't feel completely like a foreign language anymore), I'm meeting new people, having new adventures, experiencing down time for the first time in a lot of years and learning to be patient - as seems to always be the case. I seem to be doing a significant amount of sighing lately.

I never realize how impatient of a person I am until there is something I want that I don't have complete control over. Right now there are a number of things but the "blogable" item is a new house. It's been fine living with my parents. I love them both dearly but it also has been a huge change - one that I wasn't really prepared for even though I thought I was. I've been living by myself for about nine years straight and off and on on my own for another four before that. I'm pretty good at living by myself. I actually really like it. It gives me a chance to recover in the evenings when I need to and I don't feel like I have to report to anybody. While I like to think I'm less self sufficient than I am I really do just fine fending for myself - I've had to learn how to out of necessity. I'm not saying it's how I want to live my life forever, but I thought once that cord was cut when I went away to college it wasn't growing back. It's been hard at times. So, I'm learning to be patient and notice my own bratty tendencies and learning how to think about someone other than myself on occasion as I save money for a down payment on a house here in Spokane. It's probably good for me and maybe preparing me for something in the future (another area of necessary patience - this one harder than the others actually. Baby step. Breathe. Baby step. Breathe.) that I'll need to have this life lesson learned for but phew, it can be a struggle. Thank goodness for the gym and some new and old friends who laugh about it with me and tease me mercilessly.

The rest of my life is taking some patience as well but that's something you'll have to call me about if you want the scoop on that one and haven't already heard it. Oh and it's far more interesting and exciting by the way.