Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Stay True To Your Course

There is a compass on my desk that was a gift from my parents when I graduated from college (ten years ago – scary). On it is a small gold plaque that says “Stay True To Your Course.” It’s been a good and gentle reminder for the last ten years. I purposely keep it where I can see it on a very regular basis.

Even with it in an obvious place I sometimes forget. I find myself drifting to a place I never intended to go. I think these are the times when I decide to follow my own ideas instead of listening to God’s nudging. I’ve actually had prayer time when I’ve said “I hear what you are telling me God but I want to go down this other road instead” or as is the most recent case “I hear you and I will obey, but not yet.”

Those two specific times I’m thinking of have led to the most painful and tear filled times in my life.

How does one make decisions that gets them so off course when they know specifically what choices should be made? It’s that human tendency toward sin I think. It’s hard at times to not be of the world, make decisions that give earthly gratification but perhaps not heavenly gains. Sometimes that immediate payoff is hard to pass up but if we are truly living for the Glory of God our focus should be upward and toward the future instead of the immediate and horizontal.

I think I take over the rudder in steering the course because I think I found a more direct path; one that would get me to my goal in a more expedited fashion. I’ve found though that my seemingly quicker route leads inevitably through a route with menacing sharks and rough waters.

This summer my Bible study leaders from Seattle raced their sailboat from Vancouver Canada to Maui, HI. They were one of, if not the smallest boats in the race and they won. They were the fastest boat to get to Maui. I think they are one of the smallest boats to ever get the fastest time in the history of the race.

It was a grand lesson in perseverance. Susan broke her ribs on about the third day. Scott was seasick almost the entire race but they stayed on their course and made it to Maui. I think the injuries and illness made them even more focused on the goal and had them looking for the most direct, wind pushed course.

Perhaps that’s the reason God allows me to steer off course on occasion. Those injuries should make me focus on the joy and health that exist when God has his hand on the rudder instead of me.

I’m getting back to my charted course. It’s enough wandering around in the Pacific beating off the sharks with a small, splintered wooden paddle.

I’m tired and my ribs are broken. They’ll heal with time. Especially if I just sit back and rest and let God take over.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Well that Hurts - Prayers and Praises

I spent a couple hours today with DH and his new lady SG at an after work, work function. It was a pretty painful thing to do. She's not the most bright person and she's twenty years younger than him with a best friend who is 25 years younger than him. She is much closer in age to his son than to him. I stayed as long as I could handle it but once conversation turned to them doing the things he and I had talked about doing I had to leave. It was enough. I have more respect for myself than that. I met his buddy T who I had heard so much about and have really wanted to meet for the past few months. Meeting him confirmed that I've been used by DH for the last few months and that I really didn't mean to him what he led me to believe. "Look me in they eye DH - I know you lied to me about who I've been to you for the last eight months." F you. T had never heard of me because why would you tell your best guy friend about a girl who "knows you better than almost anyone else"? T talked mostly to me, but of course he did. I was the only person at the event that was 15 years or closer to his age. I can't respect T for not having higher expectations for DH but I do appreciate the fact he is a good friend to him even if maybe he isn't the best one. I feel more than a little numb about DH right now. I'm not angry, I'm sad but I'm also apathetic. It's time to move on.

I said goodbye to DH's dog who loves me and sticks close to me when I'm around. I don't foresee that I will ever see him again.

I was told by God very loudly on multiple occasions the three or four weeks before this all went down that I needed to move on. Each time I heard it I told him I would.......just not quite yet. I feel sad that I didn't listen and obey when I was hearing so clearly from God that I needed to. My disobedience again led to further pain. When will I learn?

For the last couple of weeks I've fallen back into a question I used to ask myself in college a lot. That question is: if I died today, who would come to my funeral? It isn't that I want to have a funeral. It's that I wonder who feels I am important enough to come remember. I think a funeral is the ultimate expression of what you did while you were alive. I often ask myself if I am living in such a way to leave a mark on the people around me. The last two weeks I've worried that DH wouldn't come to my funeral. After tonight I hope he wouldn't. I guess maybe I have a bit of anger in there.

I've been dealing with some significant hip pain for the last four months. It's finally been diagnosed and I'm going to see a bone and joint specialist on October 4th. It would be wonderful if you all (if you are praying types) could pray for pain free days until then and wisdom for the doctors. I'm very nervous I will have to have surgery but I'm also worn out from the constant pain.

I'm in the process of negotiating for another house. I really like this one. It couldn't get much better actually but I really do think it is going to take a miracle to make the seller have a realistic picture of what she can get for her house in this market. I was praying about it on the way home tonight. I know God can make miracles happen and I really think that is what this is going to take. Please pray he'll make a miracle happen for me.

Finally, a HUGE praise. Tonight after I left DH's house I had to pull over and cry for a bit, try to pull myself together for the next event of the evening. I got a text message as I was pulled over from a new friend from my Wednesday night small group. She told me she is trying to find me a cheep ticket to the fair and that she had postponed going so she could go with me on Thursday without me even asking. One of the things I've been praying for is a good girl friend. Teah and I have spent some time together and I really like her. I'm very hopeful that God has put her in my life as an answer to that prayer. Her timing tonight with her text couldn't have been any better. She made me realize it was OK to walk away from all parts of my relationship with DH. It's too painful to watch someone you love self-destruct. I'm not going to watch that so Teah is a definite answer to prayer. My goal for the rest of the week is to continue to look for more of those answers.

I think I'm taking a day tomorrow.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

It Seems I'm Still In A Sticky Situation

The question has now become: how many times do I reach out, have the door slammed in my face and yet still reach out? Things are ridiculous with DH right now. I had a few minutes at lunch with him today where it was only the two of us and he wouldn’t talk to me so I told a random story that had no point and breathed a sigh of relief when two other friends joined us. I reached out again this afternoon and got no response. Zero. Ignored. Message deleted. I don’t really know what happened. I feel as though I’m the one who was wronged in the situation and yet I’ve moved on, moved forward and he is the one who acts like he has a chip on his shoulder. Guess what “friend” – I’m not going away. Get used to it. No matter how many times you break my heart, until you give me a reason for your odd and hurtful behavior I’m going to be an annoying reminder of how immature you are being.

I’ve learned a really valuable lesson in all of this really. It’s about communication. I’m probably overly communicative. It comes along with being female I think but I’m in touch with my feelings and emotions and really have very little problem expressing them. Odds are I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had just kept my mouth shut about how I was feeling two weeks ago but I would still be mad and hurt and wouldn’t have moved on. Instead I’ve moved to a good place about the situation, just not a good place about DH’s and my relationship. DH on the other hand clearly isn’t as good at this communication stuff. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Yet he won’t tell me what it is. Instead he is stewing and keeping things from me and it is very sad. My guess is it would be solvable if the problem was put on the table and we both could have the friends back that I know I miss. I’m guessing he feels the missing friendship as well. He told me two weeks ago I know (knew) him better than almost anyone else in his life. You can’t help but miss that if it isn’t there. I feel the same about him and I know I feel the vacancy.

I keep praying that he will just open up to me and tell me what the issue is because this is getting on the ridiculous side. I’m terrified he’ll never do that; my heart will end up too broken to continue to pursue the friendship and I’ll lose what’s become so important to me the past eight months.

Do I sit down and force the issue again? Do I make myself realize this is probably the reason for his failed relationships in the past and things will never change and give up? How much abuse do you take before it isn’t worth it? Do I write the email I’m dying to write:

Dear DH:

I’m not going anywhere. If you want to face whatever issue is lingering and move beyond it I’m here to do that. Keep pushing away and it will only make me push forward. Let’s face what’s there and move beyond it for the benefit of both of us.

Forever your friend unless you tell me why I’m not,
KT

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fighting Through The Fighting Through

The past couple weeks have not been easy ones for me. I keep telling myself to just buck up, it’s not as bad as it could be but I’ve been sort of in the Chinese Torture Chamber where the water keeps dripping on my head in the same place. Eventually, water is going to make it into my brain and some serious issues are going to be created. Until then, I just listen to the steady knocking on the top of my head and keep praying over the noise of it.

It’s hard in tough times to remember to look for God’s blessings within them. You know somewhere in the far reaches of your brain and in the dark corners of your heart that blessings are there but you’re mad and confused and a lot scared. A lot scared.

A little over a week ago Work (now known as DH – and no that has nothing to do with baseball) and I had a disagreement. I got mad - he didn’t know it, I got my heart broken - he knew it. It’s almost worse actually that there was a fraction of a second that he knew what he was doing would cause me pain and yet it was done anyway. I lashed out at him in anger on Wednesday and it was unfair of me to spring it on him when he was probably not expecting it but I couldn’t walk around with it anymore. We talked things through a bit better later in the day but I still feel uneasy. I tried to reach out and make a mend in the fence this weekend but my effort was ignored. Now I’m really feeling the loss of my friend. I sort of wish I had kept my mouth shut about being hurt but that’s not real honest and I try to live pretty honestly with the people I care the most about.

This weekend I got to thinking about disagreements I’ve had with the people I’ve loved in the past. They are always really scary. For some reason I don’t believe people will stick around. I feel like there will be a fight and that person will be long gone. Sometimes that’s been the case. I remember when Carney and I had our first big fight. I was terrified that he would decide to walk out the door. But he stayed. Our relationship didn’t end because of a fight. It ended because we were two entirely different people and we weren’t meant for each other.

I remember I was driving and we were on the phone when that first fight took place. I remember specifically the moment when I thought I was for sure going to lose him. I was merging onto I-405 going south, probably headed to church. I don’t remember what the fight was about but I remember thinking, “well this is it. I’ve lost him.” But at the end of that conversation he told me he loved me and that he would see me later in the evening.

I was shocked by that. He still loved me and wanted to stay with me even though we had disagreed. I’m sure the fight was about me needing more of his time and to be his priority since that was what we always fought about – that or his timeliness – but I remember I was being demanding. Asking for more from him. In getting through that disagreement and remaining together I learned just because you fight it doesn’t have to mean an end.

I’ve learned that lesson more than once now but I’m still terrified today that I’ve lost the man who has become my closest friend in this city. There are some (Jeanette) who would say that’s a good thing. That perhaps it’s time for me to free up my heart for something else. I feel as though I’m capable of looking at DH with friend eyes and to move forward to some of the opportunities which may have already been presented, but I feel like I’m stuck without my friend and it has broken my heart all over again.

I feel like once again, I need him to reach out and say it’s going to be ok, that our friendship is worth fighting through the fighting through. All I can do is hold my breath and hope. Hope that while he might have had a moment where what I was going to feel didn’t matter, that it was just a temporary thing and he’s missing me just as much as I’m missing him.

That we’re ok.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Give God your Hurts

Rick Warren's darn devotional always talks about exactly what I'm going through. Sheesh.

If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

"For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them."

In your life, you will be hurt by others; sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. How you handle that hurt determines your happiness. When you bottle up hurt in your life and hold onto it - that's called resentment. If somebody hurt you years ago and you're still holding onto it, it will poison your life. For your own health and happiness, you must learn to forgive.

The Bible says forgive and be forgiven. In fact, Jesus says "if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done" (Matthew 6:15 TEV). They're inter-related. It reminds me of the story where someone told John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, "I just can't forgive that person! They hurt me too badly." Wesley's response was, "Then I hope you never sin."

For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of the past. Forgive them and let it go. Get on with life. Forgiveness erases the videotape of that hurt memory that keeps playing over and over in your mind.

When we let go of our hurts and forgive others, we are reflecting the grace of our heavenly Father who forgave us and continues to forgive us. It means we've given God our love; we've given God our lives; and, in doing that, we worship God.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sensing a Pattern

I was thinking recently about the major moves I’ve made in my “adult” life. Really there have only been two non-school related moves. I tend to be pretty steady when I pick a spot and a direction. I’m always open for the call of the wind if need be but my history has had the wind keeping me grounded rather than picking me up and moving me around. I moved to Seattle in 2003 to take the bar exam and start my career. I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends in the area who were my home base. I was also fortunate to meet two girls in my bar review class who became good friends for the summer and a bit of time beyond that. It was just enough support to get me started.

When I worked for the judge I was surrounded by a lot of people more or less my age. My friendships at work started as casual acquaintances and then developed into more meaningful, although frustrating, relationships as I dated and spent more time with people. For the first year they kept me from being lonely. Then right around the same time MFer and I broke up I was invited to a church group with Aaron and Heidi where I found friends and a support group that continues to exist to this day, even across the miles. My friendships at the county slowly dissolved as I moved to a new job at a firm in south county. Some remained longer than others. Some I was happy to move away from. Some I mourned the loss of them in my life.

I moved to Spokane in January of this year. I am very fortunate to have my family here as a support. I made some friends really quickly at work. My expectation is that most of those friendships will last because I have no thought of leaving my awesome job. Things change but for now that’s where I see myself. Now, I’ve found a church and was invited to a small group for 20-30 year olds and I hope that once again I’m going to find a place filled with friends and support.

It will be interesting to see if the pattern from my earlier move continues as I’m seeing it unfold now. I would be happy if it did. I would have liked to avoid the broken heart that I went through in Seattle, and to some extent I think I have for now, but if it all ends up with me as happy as I was there it will be well worth it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm Somewhere In There

Confusion to super confusion. Hopeful to hopeless. Peaceful to distress. To Clarity.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Happy?

The question was posed to me of "are you happy"? It seems like it should have been a fairly easy question to answer - are you happy or are you unhappy. Well, I have joy. But joy is different than happiness. My joy comes from my faith in God. Oddly enough that's a easy question to answer. But am I happy? I'm not content. There are too many things about my life that I would like to see as different to be content. If I was content I would stop growing and my life would become stagnant. It's good to be content to a point but I hope I'm never fully content.

But am I happy? Happy has been defined as "delighted, pleased or glad". Delighted in life is maybe a bit too strong. Pleased in my life? Yes. Glad? Some/most of the time. So does that make me happy? I suppose so. I don't really know what would make me MORE happy other than maybe getting everything I want in life. I don't actually think that would truly make me happy either because usually I think we don't get what we want because God is protecting us from something we can't even see. If I could eat every sweet in the world without being fat I would still be sick from all those sweets. That wouldn't make me happy. Not at all. I'd like to have all the money in the world so I didn't have to worry about finances but then there would be many problems associated with that too. I just know it. (I'd be willing to try it out though if someone is looking to donate to someone) I'd like to have a really expensive car. I would worry about it getting scratched or stolen. I would like to be married. OK - studies do show that married people tend to be happier and I would really like to be married but I KNOW it isn't all ponies and puppy dogs in a marriage. I've seen struggles from my friends and I've been involved in enough divorces in my work life to know it can be ugly.

So am I happy? I can't answer the question. Are you?

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Daydream Tuesday

While cleaning out my purse today I found the Kate Spade "calling card" in the pocket. I opened it up and it had a nice little succinct saying in it that sums up my daydreams on a regular occasion. I've never been to Italy but I sure wouldn't mind going there.

occasionally she dreams of italy.
she dreams of cheese shops, persnickety fiats,
and very fine leather goods.

I've put it up on my cube wall next to my quote that says "Despair Defined". That quote came from an article I was reading about birth defects and how that life experience effects the parents of the babies, especially when caused by medical malpratice. I put it up to remind myself of the compassion I need to have for my clients. Those two things (along with my latest addition - an advertisement from Volvo that says "An Invitation to be Naughty") pretty much sums up my life right now.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Who is your "person"?

Everyone needs a “person”. You know, the individual you would call in the event of an emergency. They should be in your life on a daily basis and live in the same town or at least within close proximity of you. I had a sad moment last night when I realized I don’t really have a “person” right now. I have my family but that’s a weird concept for me. I’m not used to having to rely on them for that sort of support and it’s a prideful thing for me to feel like I don’t need to. I got extremely frustrated with Work yesterday when I realized that I actually am his “person” or at least one of them but yet the same isn’t true for me. He can text me, ask me for a favor and know it isn’t stepping over any lines but yet I don’t feel like I can call him when I’m locked out of my car, in tears, in the parking garage. I'm in desperate need of a single girlfriend around my age who can be my person and for who in turn I can be their "person". Life is too lonely without that.

Make sure to call your person today and thank them for being that for you. You will miss them and wish you had when they aren't around any longer for whatever reason.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

work and Work, etc.

I’ve been a bit out of touch lately and I apologize for it. The move to Spokane has been remarkable and has made me not super interested in sharing some of my thoughts with my cyber friends for whatever reason. Wow – I can’t believe I just said the phrase “cyber friends”. I’ve suddenly become a super SUPER nerd. Anyway. It’s been good but also a challenge. I’ve tried to stay as upbeat and positive about things as possible which has been easy at times and very difficult at times. I’m thankful for the friends who have been to see me (Kirstin, Adrienne) and those who are coming (Murph, Scobys, Schneiders). You all have kept me sane.

My job is GREAT. People are happy to be there everyday. I’m happy to be there about 99% of the time. There are some great personalities that keep me amused. I get to be in this incredible place where I’m on a team with individuals who have and who are caring for people who have various disabilities. What an honor.

As is often the case there’s someone who has caught my attention who I’ve come to care about a lot. We’ll call him “Work”. It was successful for Lora. Maybe it will be for me as well.

Work (the capital W one, not the lowercase) probably creates 80% of my joy and about 90% of my frustration. That doesn’t seem like a very good balance. It’s not very fair sometimes as I feel like perhaps I’m getting used a bit for his benefit. This feeling seems to go in waves. It’s probably a lot in my head based on where my security in myself is for the day but as I’ve become fond of saying – you really can’t help what you feel whether it’s rational or irrational. It is what it is. He definitely knows how to get to me. On more than one occasion he’s told me I’m his priority. This is an absolute key phrase for me after my experience of feeling like I have never been good enough to be someone’s priority. With MFer it was always work first. With Carney it was anything he could think of. With Mr. Airplane it was, well, it was Mr. Airplane. I was his priority when I could be. I can’t ever find fault with that guy. (sigh) It’s one of the things that has been the most painful in my dating life so when that statement is made I swoon. Whether he means it or not I don’t know. But I also don’t know why I doubt that he does.

On my run last night I was berating myself about some of the mistakes I’ve made and telling myself that God is still holding those mistakes against me. I found myself wondering if I hadn’t done this or if I had made a different choice in certain situations would I be in a different place in life. As is usually the case when I got done beating myself up I didn’t feel any better. Funny though the devotional today reminded me that there was no truth in what I was telling myself.

God Says You Are Forgivable
By Rick Warren

I am the God who forgives your sins and I do this because of who I am and I will not hold your sins against you. Isaiah 43:25

When something starts going wrong in your life, do you automatically think, "God's getting even with me, I know it! I did that thing I'm ashamed of yesterday (or last year or twenty years ago) and now he's settling the score."

Does God really treat his children that way? Absolutely not! Isaiah says God doesn't hold our sins against us. Once we've confessed our sins to him, it's all forgiven and forgotten and he doesn't even bring up the past.

If you're a Christian, pay close attention to Ephesians 1:4-5: "Even before the world was made, God had already chosen us to be his through our union with Christ, so that we would be holy and without fault before him. Because of his love God had already decided that through Jesus Christ he would make us his children—this was his pleasure and purpose." (TEV)

Do you realize that when God looks at you, he sees you through Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ on the cross paid for all of your sins so that you're forgiven and they're forgotten.

That's why becoming a Christian is such GOOD NEWS. I give Jesus all my life -- the good, the bad, the ugly - and he takes it and he forgives me and he gives me a new chance. He says, "Now I see you without a single fault. You stand before me covered with my love."

What a relief.

I have found a church that I really like which is going to be a good thing. I’m hoping I’ll meet some people and I’ll get rid of some of the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately in addition to getting some good teaching. We have a new pastor and he’s great. It’s nice to feel like I’m not the only newbie around.

I’m closing in on a house on the South Hill but it is still a ways out in the negotiation process. I’m looking at new construction again so it probably won’t be done until the end of the year (or according to Nathan a year from the end of the year. Please don’t let that be the case again!). It will be nice to have a decision made however – one that gives me the mental peace of knowing when I should be on my own again. I can’t wait to be in a house that smells like me with my own things around me and only who I choose to answer to to answer to. I appreciate the time spent with my parents, it won’t ever happen again more than likely, but the time has come.

So that’s it for now. I have my Europe stories to put up and I’m going to have a quiet weekend more than likely so I’ll do my best to maybe get some stuff uploaded.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Going off the grid

I leave tomorrow (a day late unfortunately, but I'm going none the less) for my European vacation. I'll be off the grid for over two weeks and I can't wait. I'm needing some time to sort of check myself for lack of better words. It's funny because I was talking to Jenny on Sunday about what's going on in life and we were talking about my last trip to Europe which was twelve years ago. I was struggling with many of the same issues when I left the states then. Then I had six months, this time I have only two weeks, but I know it will be a time that will be equally good for my soul and my state of mind.

Rick Warren's daily devotional was perfect today.

God's Word gives us three habits that can help us recharge emotionally when we have nothing left to give.

Solitude - The Bible says, "So many people were coming and going [Jesus] said to them [the disciples]. Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" (Mark 6:31 NIV) Jesus understood that our emotions are like a battery. If you plug one light bulb into a battery, it will last for a fairly long time. If you plug in 100 lights, the battery will drain very quickly. Many of us have so many lights plugged in, our battery is nearly shot. When your battery is drained, then you can't help others recharge their batteries -- you can't give love.

Play -- The Bible says, "Jesus came enjoying life." (Matthew 11:19 Phillips) He was the most people-focus, ministry-intensive person who ever lived, yet he took the time to have fun. Certain activities recharge you emotionally; they literally re-create your energy and enthusiasm for life. We each have different activities that recharge us because we're all made differently. Find out what recharges you emotionally - and make time for it.

Laughter - The Bible says, "Being cheerful keeps you healthy." (Proverbs 17:22 GN) Studies prove that when you laugh, it raises your immunity to illness. Laughter is good for your health. Humor is God's gift to us. Remember, God has a sense of humor -- he made you and me!

To be emotionally balanced, take God very seriously but don't take yourself seriously. Learn to laugh at your limitations. If you only laugh and enjoy life when your problems are all solved, you'll never enjoy life.


Needless to say it's going to be a needed time away. I'm going to miss Moxie and my friends and family but I'm looking forward to some time alone, time laughing with Theresa, Scottie, Shannie and Rob and some time to play in some countries where none of my "stuff" follows me around.

I'll be taking a journal and I'll post on here with pictures when I get back - don't you worry - adventures are made to be shared.

See you on the flip side.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Self-evaluation Weekend

Starting on Friday I had some things to mull over about myself. All of it was in a positive way, it was just some personal understanding stuff. On Friday evening a friend and I were talking about taking the opportunities life throws you or choosing to walk away from them. I like to think I am the kind of person who takes ALL the opportunities, big or small. It's lead to some pretty neat stuff: singing at Carnegie Hall, meeting President GW, singing the national anthem at a minor league baseball game, meeting a bunch of Mariner's players on the field, etc. He pointed out there is an area in my life where I haven't taken all the opportunities presented to me. This particular opportunity has been presented multiple times in my life and each time I've turned it down. Granted there is a moral reason for this but I started thinking that perhaps there was something more to my decision than just that. I realized yesterday while ruminating on this that I have some serious trust issues that I've never really faced or understood. We've all dealt with rejection. It sucks. It's survivable. Or it has been up to this point. But I also realize that it has caused me to keep part of myself to myself. I've held a part of myself sacred to myself because I don't trust anyone else to not take advantage of it or crush it a little bit. I'm not saying this hasn't served me well, perhaps it has, perhaps it has limited some of the relationships I've been in. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Really, it's simply something to think about in how I deal with people in my life and the decisions I make moving forward. I think we all need to recognize fears and insecurities and how it effects us and the people we interact with on a regular basis. I know I will continue to struggle on occasion with trusting people to not hurt me or leave me or to find a better option but being aware of this fact might take me a long way in improving relationships in the future.

I'm reading a book called Blink by Ted Dekker right now. My assistant Jon gave it to me to read. Evidently, he really likes the author although he says this isn't his best book. I'm not very far into it so I can't tell you if it is worth reading or not. However, there was discussion in the book about free will and predestination. As any of you who have read my blog for long knows, this is something that I really struggled with a few summers ago. I never came to a good conclusion about it. I don't really know what I believe but I decided it was something that didn't really matter as far as my salvation or my belief in Jesus as my savior but philosophically it made a difference. I finally did decide that without any Biblical reasons but based on my personal relationship with Jesus I lean toward free choice with an understanding God knows what choice I am going to make before I make it. It seems a bit contradictory but in my mind based on my relationship with Jesus it makes perfect sense. This section of the book sort of explained the reason behind my final conclusion better than I have. So - for your reading pleasure:

Harland regarded him for a moment. "Do you really believe that God exists, or is he just a concept to you - a mathematical abstraction?"

"I'm not sure I see the difference, but yes, I do believe in God. We are living in a definite design. A design that requires a designer. I see that like I see numbers - plain and simple. What I don't see is how man's attempts to know God through religion make any sense. The very existence of God contradicts the idea that we have free will or choice."

"I don't buy that conclusion," Harland said.

"What's there to buy?" Seth leaned forward and took a sheet of paper from Harland's desk. "May I?"

"Be my guest. This is the equation you wrote?"

"No. This is more of a hypothetical syllogism. In the vernacular." He spoke his argument as he drew it out longhand.

(A) If an all-knowing God exists, then he knows precisely what THE future is. (He knows I'm going to cough in ten seconds.)
(B) If God knows what THE future is, then that future WILL occur, unless God is mistaken. (I WILL cough in ten seconds.)
(C) Because God cannot be mistaken, there is NO possibility that any other future, other than the one future which God knows, will happen. (There's NO possibility I won't cough in ten seconds.)
(D) THEREFORE, if God exists, there is only ONE future, which is THE future he knows. (I cough in ten seconds.)

Seth set the pencil down.

"If God exists, the probability of there being more than one possible future is zero. To believe God exists also requires you to believe that the future is unalterable. By definition. There is only one future, and no amount of willing or choosing or praying or churchgoing can change it. Religion has no purpose."

"Knowledge of fact doesn't necessarily prove singularity of future."

"You're only splitting hairs between knowledge of fact and probabilities."

Harland smiled. "For reasons of faith that won't make any sense to you now, I disagree. And I'm no idiot; I hope you'll give me at least that."

"Of course. But it seems to me that you're committing intellectual suicide to choose faith over logic."

I believe faith clearly plays a roll but I also think there is an aspect of relationship and God listening to us and our worship of him, not that you can earn anything based on your worship or your devotion or your works, but your communication with God has a place and therefore, religion has a role. Without free choice as some part of the equation I think it takes away the relational side of God and that's what I feel the most strongly, even when I feel his silence.

On another note, Jess and I started training for the Beat the Grade bike ride in late June. I still haven't committed with a registration but I'm feeling like it's something I should challenge myself to do. It's an 18 mile bike ride with 8 of those miles being pretty straight uphill, gaining 2000 feet in those 8 miles. It's gonna be intense. It's gonna be an accomplishment.

Oh yeah.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Common Cry

I have heard so often recently the cry of frustration from my single girlfriends of what does it take!? I am sitting in the airport right now waiting for my canceled flight to Seattle and eavesdropping like always and just overheard a lady talking to a friend in Boston who was saying the same thing. What's wrong with me? Why isn't he into me? What is it about me that isn't enough to make him move? I suppose if misery loves company it is nice to know women all over the country feel the same way. I guess I sometimes wonder if society has turned men into boys and made it impossible or at least improbable that they will take a chance, even in the safest of situations - or at least the situations that seem safe to start with. I don't know. My cry of frustration is the same as everyone else. Am I not enough or is there more to it than that? Where are/is the man who will see the value of these incredible women (me included) and not dare waste a moment of possible time? What and who in the world am I waiting for?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Let's Ramble a Bit about Baseball and Boys (well really they are the same)

Warning - this one's pretty random.



I was lucky enough to have work to do in Seattle so I was able to take in Opening Day. Well, I would have found a way to be there no matter what but it was nice to be able to be there after working for the day and feeling guilt free. It was a difficult game to watch but it was so wonderful to be in Safeco field with Kima and Jeanette that it didn't really matter. Just walking up to the field made me breath deeper. Seeing as that's been my mantra for the last three months or so it was exactly where I needed to be. I stayed in the coolest hotel and I'm staying there again in a week. I went and played trivia with Pete, Mark, Andy, Jess, Chris and Ann Marie after the game at this great little German bar. It was a great day.

I love baseball partially because I love to see the boys with the nice legs take the field.

Jack Hannahan may be on the DL but he's hot. Super hot. And he wears my favorite number.


Brandon League on the other hand is not hot.



Sometimes you carry crap around with you from the past. I was on a run in the beautiful sun this evening and realized I had this "thing" just clinging to me. I was able to shake it off and feel it just sort of roll off me. There really is something to this "breathing" thing I think. I love the spring because it's a time of rebirth and I always feel like I'm waking up after a long sleep. Being at Safeco on Monday and spending time with people I care so much about reminded me about the fact it is spring and things are new and exciting again. Baseball has a LONG way to go and so do I. I can breath in that and more easily shake off the stuff that needed to be left behind.

By the way - Franklin is hot too.


Can anyone say spring fever? :)

I went to an auction with Bret on Friday. We had a great time and I had a great time having an excuse to buy a new dress and spend some extra time attempting to look nice. I'm so happy that I've been able to get pulled into things in Spokane farely quickly. It has definitely helped with the transition and I'm starting to feel much more at home here despite being gone quite often. So far so good. We are supposed to have our first 70 degree day on Friday. Life is pretty good.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Chaos

Each one of us is unique but we are being stitched together to form a tapestry, something large that can't be understood until we step back to see the whole thing. At some point we all wake up and then we have to chose. Do we walk in hope believing what God is doing is good or do we stumble around resigning to chaos?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

In My Own Way

I often find that I get into my own way. I over analyze (thank you Jeanette for the talk down last Friday), I get freaked out and then I pull away. For some reason starting yesterday evening I've been doing that. I've got that heavy feeling on my shoulders. I'm second guessing everything I've said or that has been said to me. I'm assuming the worst. I'm negative self-talking. It's really pretty stupid. At the same time I can find no reason to change the thinking. My patience has been pushed for the last four weeks and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be fully honest without repercussions and I'm tired of feeling like I come up a bit short on a regular basis.

On the bright side - it is absolutely gorgeous out. I went for a run last night at 6 and it was still sunny and spring like. The fields around my parents house are starting to green up and my cough is going away. I think Saturday is going to be a good day for a hike.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Patience is a Virtue Right?

Life is interesting right now. I'm in a new job where I'm still learning daily (at least it doesn't feel completely like a foreign language anymore), I'm meeting new people, having new adventures, experiencing down time for the first time in a lot of years and learning to be patient - as seems to always be the case. I seem to be doing a significant amount of sighing lately.

I never realize how impatient of a person I am until there is something I want that I don't have complete control over. Right now there are a number of things but the "blogable" item is a new house. It's been fine living with my parents. I love them both dearly but it also has been a huge change - one that I wasn't really prepared for even though I thought I was. I've been living by myself for about nine years straight and off and on on my own for another four before that. I'm pretty good at living by myself. I actually really like it. It gives me a chance to recover in the evenings when I need to and I don't feel like I have to report to anybody. While I like to think I'm less self sufficient than I am I really do just fine fending for myself - I've had to learn how to out of necessity. I'm not saying it's how I want to live my life forever, but I thought once that cord was cut when I went away to college it wasn't growing back. It's been hard at times. So, I'm learning to be patient and notice my own bratty tendencies and learning how to think about someone other than myself on occasion as I save money for a down payment on a house here in Spokane. It's probably good for me and maybe preparing me for something in the future (another area of necessary patience - this one harder than the others actually. Baby step. Breathe. Baby step. Breathe.) that I'll need to have this life lesson learned for but phew, it can be a struggle. Thank goodness for the gym and some new and old friends who laugh about it with me and tease me mercilessly.

The rest of my life is taking some patience as well but that's something you'll have to call me about if you want the scoop on that one and haven't already heard it. Oh and it's far more interesting and exciting by the way.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Dear Delta Employee

It's been a hard transition for me switching over from pretty regular travel on Northwest Airlines to now having to put up with Delta. I've had pretty bad experiences with them in the past. I'm currently sitting in the Salt Lake City Airport waiting for my connecting flight home from a surprise Birthday party for Erin (more on that in a later posting). My flights have all been fine. I'm now addicted to the Delta cookies. Crap.

As I'm sitting here killing about a half hour I was eavesdropping on a Delta employee who popped in line ahead of me and asked for the jump seat. (We'll call him Darren because, well, his name is Darren) I guess since I was eavesdropping it was a little bit of my own fault that I overheard such a disappointing conversation but still.... (oh and I can't fault Delta for hiring such a jerk so don't take this as yet another ranting again Delta - I don't want to jinx things and cause my flight to become delayed)

Anyway, Darren first was talking to his girlfriend making plans for the evening. He was being SO sweet to her and I found myself thinking that there is really nothing that is much more attractive than a man who is polite and willing and able to express his admiration for the person they are dating. It wasn't a thought like - I want to date him - it was more a thought of - I hope someday in the near future someone is able and willing to talk that way to me again. So he ended his conversation with his girlfriend with a very heartfelt, "I miss you so much" and then made another phone call. To another girlfriend. Who he "missed so much" and "couldn't wait to see". I almost walked over to the guy and stabbed him in the eye with the straw in my iced tea.

Seriously, what is wrong with people.

Well, my plane's about to board so I had better wrap this up. Welcome back to my blog. I promise to get more faithful again in writing and will give an extended life update sometime in the near future.