Thursday, September 10, 2009

Blowing My Top

Confession time: I literally lost it last night. The last week and a half has been emotional for me personally and work has suddenly turned it on. I feel like I'm sitting in front of a fire hose. So last night when I was trying to be nice and spend some time with Tessie since I think she gets left out on occasion and she decided to bite me on my eyebrow while also clawing me I sort of went out of control. I already have another sore on my left cheek from some unknown source, I'm not sleeping well because of Tessie being all over me in the night and it pushed me past my breaking point. I started screaming at her and (I'm sad to admit) spanking her and then I carried her upstairs and pushed her into her bed in a not gentle manner. About ten seconds later I found a spot where she had decided to pee on Moxie's blanket. Again. For the second time in five days. And I lost it again. I have NOT felt that angry in a really long time.

I actually kind of scared myself because I took it out on Tessie and even scolded Moxie for getting in the way while I was cleaning things up. I knew it wasn't the right way to respond but at that moment I thought I might have a stroke and I had to somehow release the tension. It was a horrible feeling. I also know it really wasn't the fact that Tessie had bit me or that Moxie was in my way. It was a culmination of factors that were making me want to crawl into a hole.

I haven't felt that angry since I learned to control my temper. When I was in elementary school I used to lose it like that. I remember the feeling where I would almost get light headed from anger. It was the same feeling last night and it has carried into today. It's sort of scary. Somehow I've learned overtime how to chill out and not let things get to me like they used to but I've clearly reached my breaking point this week.

There - now you all know I'm a bad person. Tessie wasn't harmed. She and Moxie were both a bit afraid of me for the rest of the night but all seemed to be normal this afternoon. Actually - Tessie took a swipe at my bracelet and thought twice of it. I keep thinking maybe she will eventually stop biting me and generally being a bad cat at times but I don't know.

I told her last night I was going to send her back to the pound but I can't really do that. So does anyone have good stress relieving tips for me? I don't see work letting up anytime soon and my personal life will be somewhat stressful too for some time. Running doesn't really help. Drinking heavily for the rest of my life is one option (just kidding - mostly). Any other thoughts?

1 comment:

heather said...

i can so relate, but with human subjects - not feline...
not that either are ok, but one has a memory and the other doesn't.

i'm sorry things have been so stressful for you. I think, just like with parenting kids, it's always a good idea to take a break for yourself, with no guilt or regrets attached. When you're feeling stressed, walk away. The pee on the blankets can wait, the kids can wait to get their discipline, because if it's out of anger then it's not God-honoring and can be damaging in the long run.
Personally my favorite thing to do is to get a pedicure or massage.
It's one way I can de-stress and be by myself. If that's not your idea of relaxation, then maybe try journaling. It can be a great way to de-clutter your mind and give all your cares and concerns over to God. I find both to be very rejuvenating and then I can return to my normal daily duties with a better frame of mind and not take my bad day out on my girls (or the cat!) : )

I'll be praying for you K!