Thursday, August 27, 2009

Pain

I’m not really a “heady” person. I’m not a brooding artist – although music makes a big impact on me as you know if you’ve read my blog long enough. I don’t sit around all day and contemplate the meaning of life.

I like sports. I like mindless romantic comedies. I like laughing at the stupid stuff. I’m a glass is half full kind of girl.

But when I get hurt by people in whatever capacity they are in my life I get stuck. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I don’t expect it. I always go into relationships expecting the best. Expecting joy not pain. I was severely disappointed by a friend yesterday and I’ve been pouting about it since then. I say pouting because I realize disappointment is part of life and I’m being childish but my heart hurts. (stomps foot) I had let down my guard as far as beginning to trust this person and it turns out my trust was placed inaccurately. They hurt me anyway.

I've been feeling a bit (a lot) invisible lately and this situation with my friend hasn’t helped that matter. It seems that the people I really want to SEE me and KNOW me frankly don’t. It leaves me feeling a bit insignificant. That feeling really hit me last night when four cars in about a 15 mile distance almost pulled into me merging into lanes on the highway. It was like people I love didn’t see me, strangers didn’t see me – I felt insignificant and invisible.

As I was driving to Rotary this afternoon I was thinking about the situation and the hurt I was feeling. I was praying about it but feeling like that wasn’t really helping – sort of the “falling on deaf ears” scenario – when the song I Know You’re There by Casting Crowns came on the CD I was listening to. Without thinking about it I started singing along.

The chorus went through once and caught my attention. When it came through again I stopped singing and realized God really was listening and that I needed to place my trust in him because he would never prove to be unworthy. The chorus of the song goes like this:

'cause I, I know You're there, I know You see me
You're the air I breathe
You are the ground beneath me
I know You're there, I know You hear me
I can find You anywhere

It was of some solace that while my pain wasn’t gone, and my sadness didn’t immediately dissipate, I knew God heard and that he had gone through far worse than what I was going through and all for my benefit. My situation doesn’t benefit God at all, other than the fact I think my being happy makes God happy, and yet I realized he was there for me, loving me, listening to me.

The pain eventually subsides again. Eventually. I continue to hope the amount of times this sort of situation arises in my life won’t be enough to make me lose faith and trust in mankind completely. Through it all though I’m lucky to have a personal relationship with a creator who loves me, even in my weak and doubting, pain filled moments. He hears my crying.

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