Monday, November 26, 2007

Nostalgia

I got up way too early, especially for me, November 21st and because of that had some extra time in the morning. I eventually found myself in Edmonds going for an early morning run. It was a whopping 32 degrees so I put on my running cap and did my best to keep myself warm by pushing myself really to the limit. It was invigorating to watch the sunrise reflected off the water but it put me further into the funk that I have been fighting. A song came on my ipod that had a profound effect on me the night before so I set it on repeat and fell further into my reverie. Josh Kelley crooned to me about Cain and Able and by the end of my run I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

I have to say that the last few months of my life have at times been joyful and all at once sorrowful. I feel at times that I have been in a constant state of mourning, shuffling through my day and enjoying the highlights while mourning the downtime. I reached a milestone in my life on November 8, 2007. I turned 30. I had an AMAZING birthday party and a wonderful trip to LA to visit Erin and Sarah and celebrate as well as a fun Birthday dinner and trip home to visit my family. I do a pretty good job compartmentalizing things so there have been multiple times when I have chosen to push any feelings of sadness aside and I have fully and completely enjoyed what has been going on. My party in the wine shop was so much fun. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better 30th birthday. There will be more on that in a later posting.

My reverie on Wednesday morning was based on recollecting the past and more specifically good times in the past. I sometimes have some problems with that. I tend to glorify what happened before and fear that good things might not happen in the future. I wish I could change it but I guess to quote a friend “that’s how I roll”. I try not to worry about that fear. I know God is going to bless me in the future but sometimes I wish I could turn back time and then stop the clock. I guess that’s maybe what has me down right now. I was looking forward to so many things in the first three weeks of November and now they have all come and gone. All but one of them was greater than I ever could have imagined. Now what I was looking forward to so much will never happen again and I am not sure how to pull myself out of the funk that has put me in.

I might have had a lot of fun and created some wonderful memories, things I will never forget for the rest of my life, but I have also learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I’ve learned again that someone can find me irresistible. Carney made me forget that and made me self-conscious about many things. I still have some faith to build back in myself but I’ll get there. I’ve learned more about my ability to love. I’ve always known that I could love more than I thought and that was solidified in me again, and that’s ok. It’s scary but it is ok. I’ve learned that I still know how to laugh. I know how to giggle and enjoy life even when and despite feeling sadness. I’ve learned that I am a good attorney. I’ve learned that I can help my clients and some of my work is very worthwhile. I’ve learned my friends can clean up real nice. I’ve learned that I have so many people around me who love me even when and if they can’t express it because they can’t or they don’t know how. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to let go and sometimes letting go is the last thing you could possibly want. I’ve learned that letting go and losing control over something you want is scary and hurts but is also part of life and is something you can survive. I’ve learned that there are certain things you can only hope for and never have and that has to be ok too; even if you would do anything to change the reality. I’ve learned that God will listen to the prayers for those things and while he might not give you what you want right then he is listening but may still never give it to you. Or he may. Only time will really tell. I’ve also learned it’s ok to have hope for things and maybe even better things. I’ve learned there are people out there that I can be happy with. I’ve learned I can lead a band of middle-aged musicians and have fun doing it. I’ve learned when I’m nervous I get super ticklish. I’ve learned sometimes I wear goofy socks and the people who notice are people worth having in my life. I’ve learned people look up to me. I’ve learned you can’t get comfortable enough in jeans. I’ve learned bananas give me bad smelling burps. I’ve learned that it is possible for someone to bring sexy back, not me of course, but it is possible. I’ve learned some things are worth waking up at 5am for, well one thing anyway. I’ve learned layers have a place in this world if for no other reason than to bring a smile to someone’s face or cause necessary frustration. I’ve learned it is easy to forget the small things about a person but easy to be reminded and then not forget again. I’ve learned you should ask the insignificant but important questions of people you care for when you have the chance in case you lose that chance and forever are left with the questions. Questions like who is your hero, what are you most proud of in your life, what is your biggest regret and what is your favorite smell. I’ve learned that while I try to remain a strong woman in a “man’s world” I still get offended and bothered when men in that world speak to me in a disrespectful way. I’ve learned touch is something that can never be replaced nor forgotten. I’ve learned what it is like to feel safe with someone for no other reason but that you trust and love them. I’ve learned music can control me unquestionably. I’ve learned to laugh through tears. Finally, I’ve learned that in life there is going to be time gone by and in the memories of the things in time gone by it is ok to be made sad and wish for the people who were there to still be there, to wish you could control circumstances and to hold those people again even when it isn’t a possibility.

My run in Edmonds on Wednesday morning was heartbreaking and strengthening at the same time. If it had been forty degrees warmer it would have been perfect. I’m ok in this funk for a little longer. I know all it would take to pull me out but that isn’t gong to happen so I’m going to have to be ok here for a while. Eventually, the veil will lift from my eyes and I will be back to where I normally am and I will be happy to be there. Until then, I am going to continue learning and I am going to continue missing people and times from the past. That’s where I am right now and I have to be ok with that. If you want to send a prayer up for me that would be awesome but also, know that in this funk as I have said I am ok. Sometimes I think mourning is necessary. I have no regrets that I have wonderful memories of people and experiences in the past. I just wish I had a choice other than to let go.

Cain and Able – Josh Kelley
I'm sick of chasing after things, I'd rather them chase after me
Keeping up is bound to wear me down
There's a million ways to skin a cat, I've put my choices in a hat
Picked a few and threw the bad ones out

I know now

So if you want me you'd better knock me down
Cause I ain't easy and this ain't hallowed ground

I've been thinking about ol' Cain and Able, sitting at a breakfast table
Talking about the way things used to be
Well Able looked at Cain and said all that shit was in your head
I'd like to think that Cain was hard to please

I know now

So if you want me you'd better knock me down
Cause I ain't easy and this ain't hallowed ground

She said no one loves you more than me
I looked at her, she looked at me
I think she's waiting for me to believe
I wish that love was all it took
I'd fall into you if I could
Hoping for a graceful recovery

But I know now

So if you want me, you'd better knock me down
Cause I ain't easy oh, and this ain't hallowed ground

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