Monday, October 01, 2007

Sometimes love is just not enough.

Disclaimer - I’ll be using the term love a bit loosely throughout this entry because it is too hard to figure out a different word for it. Love will have to suffice for now.

This phrase has been ringing through my head for the last two weeks. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me but I have come to believe it is a very true statement. In particular in my life a frustratingly true statement. I always thought once I found a person I could love and who loved me in return that would be enough. That would be all the magic it would take. Guess what. As much as I love Harry Potter magic doesn’t exist here. There is no such thing as the magic pill to swallow to make everything in life easier. As Pastor Dudley said tonight at church, God is going to give us detours. My detour will hopefully not equate to forty years of wandering the desert but it has lead to a time in my life where I feel that sometimes love is just not enough. Maybe that is a reality everyone has to come to face eventually in life. Maybe I am a little slow to the table with this knowledge but why does it have to be true? Why can’t feeling for someone be “enough”? Didn’t the Judds say “love can build a bridge”? Corny I know but still – can’t it? Isn’t it enough to have the dream? Isn’t it enough to attempt to live life right? If not then what is? How much patience is a person expected to have? What is enough to deserve true happiness?

Mr. Airplane called me about two weeks ago. Out of the blue, the first time we have spoken in almost a year and a half. On a Tuesday. At 11:00 am. He really is the reason for starting and continuing this blog. I never really thought about that too much or allowed myself to put too much weight in that fact but when things ended with him I desperately needed an outlet for my feelings. I traveled around the country for a month after our breakup out of fear of sitting still and having to feel, well frankly, anything. Then, when I couldn’t run anymore, I started this blog. It has become my counselor. Hopefully, it has made some of you think and has served as some form of entertainment. I hope some of what I have said has challenged you.

Anyway, back to Mr. Airplane. So he called. Still as incapable as ever of being in a relationship with me, still as adorable as ever, still as able to control my feelings as ever and evidently thinking of me as fondly as I have continued to think about him, although I have admitted that fact to no one, not even myself. I don’t know what finally made him admit this to me. We have had spotty email correspondence really since the time of our breakup but it has never resulted in a phone call. Until two Tuesdays ago. At 11:00 am. And now I can’t think straight. Now the world feels a little bit different again. I care so much about him and he evidently me, but it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to change circumstances. It isn’t enough to change reality. It isn’t enough to make him fight for me. It just flat isn’t enough.

And it isn’t fair.

Where is God’s plan in all of this? Ahhh – the problem I have. I don’t know if I believe in “God’s plan” anymore. I have a friend who has made some valid points about this lately. I have always rested in the fact that when a relationship ends God must have someone better out there for me. This friend though has argued somewhat convincingly that maybe it is our free will that has made us look past the someone better. I believe there is more than one person you could be happy with but now I fear that God isn’t truly in control of that. Now I fear my human shortcomings are what have led to my detour. My bad choices have brought me full circle to where yet again and again and again, love just isn’t enough. So how does one remain faithful to God when they lose the plan? How does a human suffering on earth make sacrifices for a God that loves them but won’t use his powers to control the “fates” in a way that can help avoid the detours? Why in the world does God have us set up camp with our backs to the sea while being pursued by a charging army? Why isn’t LOVE ENOUGH?

Maybe eventually it is. Maybe in the long run love wins. Maybe the Red Sea is divided and we walk through to safety. And maybe in all of this – all of this fear, all of this uncertainty, all of this sorrow – comes joy. Joy and victory.

I’m sorry, but there IS a plan. I don’t know how to explain why but Bud, but I think you’re wrong. Convincing but wrong. So, I’m setting up my four-season tent and getting out my fishing pole (which is still broken even after tinkering with it for a half hour tonight by the way Bud so will you look at it even though I disagree with your theory???) and hunkering down for the fight, knowing that God will eventually intercede. When it looks like the battle isn’t going to be won, he’ll step in and create the greatest miracle of them all and save me. And guess what – in that situation, a heavenly situation, love will be enough.

So where does that leave me and Mr. Airplane? It leaves us nowhere I suppose. It leaves me hoping for stars to shift and realities to change. It leaves me hoping for my feet to remain firmly on the ground and my heart devoted fully to the God that is going to step in on my behalf. It leaves me hoping eventually my world will right itself again so I can stop feeling like I might slip off the edge of it. It leaves me realizing that my life is full without him but that there will always be a space in my heart for him. It leaves me free to live my life and hope he will live his and that someday, if it is the plan, that the parting of the Red Sea will happen for us and we will be able to walk into one another’s arms. But! Only if that is the plan. And if it isn’t the plan that I will continue to be blessed with relationships and “someones” who are able to make me laugh and feel good and realize that I can love more than I know. There is a theory that everyone is better than everyone else at three things. Maybe one of my three things is the ability to love many people all with a full heart. This would be a wonderful gift to have. One I would love to extend to someone like Mr. Airplane but only if he is free to love me as fully in return.


Anonymous said...

I recently read a book that went something like this: All of us have been emotionally damaged during childhood and have ever since been carrying this damgae around. When we enter into a new relationship we have deep and subconscious hopes and even expectations that this person will right the wrongs and finaly make us feel good or even complete. When I interpret the book into this situation I believe it is saying that if a relationship that is going "perfect" ends prematurely, you harbor those feelings and believe that you missed the opportunity to be with your soul mate. When in fact you may not have REALLY known the person on a deep enough level and did not have a chance to find any fault in them.

I can't say that the words in the book I read or the words I have written here are true, but at least it's a new perspective.

I don't know if you like country music, but there is a song by Garth Brooks called "Sometime I Thank God For Unanswered Prayers" The sond talks about a man praying to God to let him have the woman he loved for life. The relationship ends up not working and the man finds his true love. Later in life runs into the woman he prayed to be eith for life and thanks God for unaswered prayers. Don't lose your faith in God's plan, sometime we do not understand what he is doing or why, but I believe that we will thank him later.

LPat said...

Kudos to Anonymous spoke some of the words I was searching for when I first read KT's blog entry.
You can't give up on the path God has set out for you. Though frustrating at times, don't give up. It will all make sense eventually.
One of my favourite poets wrote "If I wanted so badly to be with someone so wrong for me, imagine how great it will be when I find someone who is right for me."
You're a smart, beautiful, funny, and interesting woman - a man who will appreciate these qualities in you, and love you, will come along. I can't wait to see how happy you are when he has entered your life!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't think there is a woman or man out there that hasn't had similar questions to these.

It is what you go through in that search for love that really molds you. If you learn and grow from the experience it makes the love you find that much better.

First off, make sure that you truly love yourself. Be in love with yourself. Not in a vain or selfish way, but it a way that when your love for yourself overflows it naturally spills out on to others and attracts others to you. Many times we forget to love ourselves only to find none left when the love of others is missing. Second, be willing to leap and not look down. Fearing love and what may really happen will keep you grounded for life and not in a positive way. Finally, be willing to let go. Even though your heart may want what is right now, it is not always what is right in the end.

When you are full of love, not afraid to love, and free of love is when you find it will seek you.

Anonymous said...

I actually think anonymous 1 was really right in his entry. Perhaps at the time you and Mr. Airplane were seeing each other, he wasn’t himself. He really thought he was at a different time in his life, starting a whole new life..etc., he was liberated. So perhaps, you got a Mr. Airplane that couldn’t sustain anyway because it wasn’t really himself. Not to say he wasn’t genuine and sincere with you.

Oh, and one other thing…God brings people into our lives for reasons we cannot fully understand. So, rather than say, what you experienced wasn’t real, or love or enough, maybe it was just that Mr. Airplane was all of that, but not forever. Its kind of like, sometimes we need certain friends for a particular reason at a particular time, and while it lasts its great…they help us to grow and become someone else, but is just one of those friendships are that time, and that time alone. There is a really great poem about this, which I cannot remember, but maybe Mr. Airplane and you was everything it should have been and more, but only for a short time…to help you each to grow in a way that you needed to grow as individuals. That may suck, but if experiencing love and losing it is better than never having it, then you my friend are better off because of him…even if it is without him.