Thursday, September 13, 2007

Old/Bad Habits Die Hard

Have you ever heard it told that nothing good ever happens after midnight? I had a moment last night when I was doing something I really shouldn’t have been at 12:15 a.m. I found myself thinking, what ARE you doing? Nothing good can come from what you are doing right now and while I am not going to admit to anyone what exactly that something was I was right – nothing good came from it. I know you will all be tempted to jump to the worst conclusions possible and there is nothing untoward that occurred, nothing that will leave lasting scars, nothing I would be ashamed to admit or that would send me to confession but something I am embarrassed I did. I’ll leave what happened to your imagination as you read the remainder of this blog entry.

I am blessed with a huge number of friends. I have probably mentioned that somewhere on here before. It tends to be the thing I am most content with in my life. One of the things I have done perhaps better than some people (although I'm not sure “better” is actually the word for it) is to remain in contact with men I have been in dating relationships with. I haven’t dated a ton which makes it somewhat easier but over the years my friendships which developed either before or during the “romantic” (said in quotes because some failed miserably in that regard) parts of the relationships have strangely stayed in tact. I am in very loose contact with my high school boyfriend; have about quarterly contact with my first love and fairly regular contact with some of my most recent beaus.

Lately though I’ve gotten almost more frustrated with those relationships as friendships than I was with them when we were dating. The frustration comes from seeing people’s potential and then continuing to watch them flounder and fail. What is that? Why is it that people can’t quite live up to their full potential that seems so obvious to people around them but evidently seems out of reach to them?

I talked to a friend of mine about it today because it has just been weighing on my heart since last night after midnight (I know it is eating away at all of you to know what I did and I love that. haha). Well, first I did some research to see if psychologists have come to any conclusions and THEN I turned to Pete for some answers as I often do. The research I read in Psychology Today told me that the “nature” vs. “nurture” argument is dead. The studies evidently show that what children’s parents do have little to no effect on the outcome of their personalities and productivity. Basically his studies, which he did to try to disprove the earlier studies by the way, showed that our personalities are 99% genetic. So being a productive member of society and succeeding at what you do is genetic and out of our control!? This brings me back to the predestination argument which I have been struggling with for the last month.

Hmmmm – Pete doesn’t buy it. Pete’s knee jerk reaction to my question was the reason people fail to meet their full potential is because of fear and procrastination. Well, those are the reasons he sees for himself – very funny. He also said “some people are so afraid that they don't set goals because they don't want to not be able to achieve them.” That was a point I could understand. It is sort of like me and running. I HATE to run but I do it anyway. People have asked me why I would continue to torture myself by doing something I hate and the only reason I can give them is that sometimes the things we hate the most are the things that are most important for us to do. But I set myself goals that are hard and uncomfortable to attempt to make myself a better person. I know that isn’t a mindset that is inherent or set in stone in many people’s minds. It still doesn’t really explain why though.

I guess there isn’t really an answer, as is the case with many of the questions that I pose in this stupid blog. It seems that is sort of the norm for me – having too many questions with no answers. I guess all I can do is pray for the boys in my life; that they find purpose and learn to challenge themselves and not allow the fear of failure or whatever it is, comfort maybe, paralyze them and make them less than the men I know God intended them to be.

Well, I’m off on a run. Anyone care to join me?


Wenikio said...

Hi KT! I laughed all night at work when I thought about the freaky mindmeld we had going on at Laura's. I like reading your blog, keep up the good writing :)

Anonymous said...

What about our flesh? In my opinion that's what it all comes down to. Sin. You just have different struggles than others. No one is alike. They struggle with being all they could be you struggle with whatever you struggle with. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. That's just life.