Thursday, June 07, 2007

Balance – or rather teetering on the edge

So I have been dating Carney now for about three months and things have been really good until this past week, week and a half. As many of you know, he is in the military and had to spend some of the three months we have been together elsewhere which was really hard at first. We made it work and actually used that time to get to know one another better on the phone. When he came home it was wonderful and then he would leave again. It sort of worked for me because frankly my life is crazy. It was easy to find time for phone calls and while I missed him and wanted him home I didn’t have to change my life around.

Well, we have been in the same city now since last Tuesday and I haven’t seen him. At first I understood, he was busy, I was busy and I figured we would get things together but as the end of the week rolled around I figured out that wasn’t going to happen and I started to get insecure. So on Tuesday we had a conversation about priorities and what exactly our relationship is. Carney is trying to start a business outside of the military that he hopes will give him financial security in the years to come. While I am dubious of this proposition I have told myself to support him in it and if he can make it work that’s great, if he can’t at least I will have been there for him.

However, I have discovered that the support of this business is beginning to be to my detriment. In other words, he is required to spend so much time outside of his regular working hours that I am being neglected – or abandoned is actually how I am feeling. What good is having a boyfriend (and evidently after Tuesday’s conversation I can safely call him that, although it took me a while to get there) if I still have to go to “date functions” on my own? What good is it if I am feeling lonely when I should have him to fill those voids when necessary? But yet I understand this relationship stuff takes work and patience. I am however, afraid he will throw in the towel to early because it is too much work to make it work; to get the priorities in line so everything gets taken care of and I stop being neglected. I posed the question to him on Tuesday of “am I important enough”? He claims that isn’t a fair question but really isn’t that what it comes down to? Am I, is our relationship, important enough that at times you will say no to the business or other things to put “us” first?

I know I haven’t been as good about that as I should have been the past week but I have done what I can to change that at this point. I am now making decisions about what I am doing in the evenings based on having a few days available for us to spend an evening together. But what good does my saying no do if he isn’t doing the same? I suppose it does some good because I tend to be over scheduled and slowing down for ten minutes isn’t the end of the world – in fact it is probably good for me. But it takes two to tango. So I am not sure how long I wait. How long do I sit with stones in my heart as I worry about losing him? I don’t want to lose him. I care a ton about him and he knows that under no uncertain terms, but I also deserve to be cherished above anything else – including business endeavors. I have things in my life that are hard to give up, such as baseball, working out (well maybe that isn’t too hard to give up), spending time with friends, church and other boards, etc. that I am on but those things don’t take all of my spare time. And to be perfectly honest if it meant spending time with someone I love I am probably going to choose the person I love rather than the board meeting, I am probably going to choose to spend time with a person I am committed to rather than go into work on a Saturday. Is that because I am female? Is that because one of my primary “love languages” is quality time? So what was the answer? How long do I wait? How long do I pray for God to help him make the time for me? How long does it take someone to juggle priorities? This relationship has been so easy in so many ways and now all of a sudden I feel swept up in uncertainty. So, for those of you who are married – any sage advice? What do I do? I got some great advice from Shean this morning and I am resting confident in what he said but I know tomorrow will be a different story and I won’t hear from Carney tonight because he has military work to do. How do you make it work? What is the secret to a sucessful relationship?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

7 Crows in 1 Tree

Being an avid baseball fan I tend to fall onto the superstitious side of things. I try to remain rational but sometimes, especially during play offs, I get a bit freaky. I am pretty quiet about it. In fact, most people probably have no idea just how superstitious I am, but it’s there in ways you wouldn’t expect.

I now officially have a new superstition. After an interesting encounter yesterday, if you see 7 crows in a tree you should be very careful when dealing with straws. In fact, you may want to find a way to remove all straws from your presence. Otherwise it is quite likely disaster will ensue. Just a word to the wise.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Eleanor DanWilson Thompson (Ella) May 15, 2001 – April 11, 2007

I have been putting off writing this blog knowing it wouldn’t be easy. I think I can finally do it but it will have to be short so I can keep myself together. On April 11, 2007, Ella, as most of you would have known her, had to be put to sleep. She fought her poor kidney health for a long time and was such a wonderful companion. I still miss her everyday. Who could forget her antics: her “porn position”, obnoxious inability to be held, craziness (I don’t think she ever “grew out” of being a kitten) and her strange ability to either look like a giant burrito or Jabba the Hut? There will never be another cat like her that is for sure.