Friday, April 06, 2007

Three-day rule cont.

I am not alone in my annoyance by the three-day rule. This is a great blog entry by a guy in NYC and a response from a female reader. I think it is interesting to hear this from a male perspective. His blog address is I figure I should at least plug his blog if I am using his entry on mine. It would be easier to just figure out how to put links in my blog entries but I don’t have the patience to figure that out right this second. I’ll get better at this as time goes on.

A defense of gamesmanship and stuff like that

This post of Bex’s got me thinking … a lot of girls I know say they hate it when guys “play games” and abide by things like the three-day rule. But girls should acknowledge they play plenty of games too: waiting to return calls, waiting to have sex, not accepting weekend dates past Tuesday even if they don’t have plans, etc. (All very valid rules, too).

I think girls hate things like the three-day rule because it brings to mind the times they’ve had to wait by the phone for some guy they really dug to call. They tend to forget the times they were semi-interested in some guy, and then dismissed him ’cause he came across as needy and lame by calling too soon. Who wants to be that guy?

Dating would be much easier if you had some secret way of telling how much your date liked you … but there really isn’t. Even if a girl is willing to make out with you passionately against a parked car in Chelsea after a cocktail or two, you can’t really know for certain how interested she’ll be the next day. And I’m sure guys are the same way. Hence, the need for games like the three-day rule.

(at least, in this one bloke’s opinion … not trying to pass myself off as any type of dating expert here)

Responses to “a defense of gamesmanship and stuff like that”

CL Says: That’s one of the more fair assessments of the situation. You kind of touched on something when you said you wished there was a way to know how much a date liked you. Because if someone really likes you, it’s not going to make a difference if you call soon or wait three days. Obviously someone who really liked you would be thrilled you get a call from you the next day. And someone who wasn’t that into you would consider that pushy. Really, waiting an extra day to call, or what have you, isn’t going to change someone’s opinion one way or the other.
But there are reasons to play “games” if you want to call it that. Say I went on a date with you and an hour in, thought you were the most amazing guy I’d ever met and wanted to marry you. I darn well wouldn’t say it, even if I was thinking it. So that, right there, is a game. (And for those who say I *should* say that, believe me, if I did it and the feeling wasn’t mutual, that would scare me from ever making any type of confession like that again.)

I think this is why people’s emotions are so much deeper when they’re younger…because they don’t temper them as much. They’re not as scared of getting hurt.

One comment, though - women don’t necessarily withhold sex in order to play a game. It’s often in order to make sure they’re not going to be used. If you’ve dated someone for a longer period of time, you can be more secure that they like you and will see you again or call you after sex. Making yourself that emotionally vulnerable and then never hearing from the person again is pretty painful. You start doubting yourself even more than usual, thinking, “Was it that bad?” or “I was willing to have sex with him, and all of a sudden he’s lost interest?” Believe me, it’s painful.

For both sides, there are no guarantees. I guess we play these “games” in order to not get hurt. There are degrees of gameness, though. Waiting a day to call is not as bad as, say, telling someone you’re dating four people at once in order to make them think you’re really popular - which would be stupid.

derek rose Says:

Thanks. That is a fair point about sex. Sometimes the games are not so much about not getting hurt as just trying to “market” yourself well, too, though. But that is a fair thing to do.

Also, I don’t know if I “wish” that there was an easy way to tell how much your date likes you … I mean, that’s just not going to happen until we develop telepathy. It would make dating maybe not as maddening, but not as much fun, either.

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